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Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Swamp Queen, May 16, 2018.
Was it pristine after hitting the employee?
This women's bathroom story reminds me of my first job. At the end of high school, I worked at a Mervyns Department store. It's kinda like a Bealls or Steinmart. I worked in the back in the receiving department unloading trucks, stocking shelves, and assisting the security crew whenever they asked for it. It was a great job. There was a huge cleaning crew at night for the bathrooms. But technically speaking, I was the backup during the day if it ever needed it. One day, the time arrived. In the women's bathroom. I think to myself, how bad could it be? I walk in, and like a cop looking for a murderer, I slowly peak inside each stall. I get to the last stall. I know this has to be it. The suspense is killing me. I slowly push the last stall door open with my foot. It looked like an exorcism had taken place. Or a botched abortion. I am not exaggerating when I say it look like someone had a 5 gallon bucket of diarrhea and splashed it up on the wall with every ounce of force they could muster. I walk out and say noway. The manager begged. Nope, not going happen. She said I could have the rest of the day off with day. Nope. Ok, you can have tomorrow off with pay also. Well, that peaked my interest. Fine... give me a week. Which she agreed to. $20 bucks is $20 bucks. I went to the back and ripped into some raincoats and found some duct tape. I think I even triple layered it. Hazmat suits are not made to this standard. I then dragged in a water hose from outside. Since there were drains in the floor, I just hosed that sucker down. Ever see the movie Men at Work? The whole thing reminded me of the scene where they had to do "the nasty". It still makes me gag just a little thinking about it.
Not even close. It was sprayed all over the backwall.... taller than my head. Like I said, it looked like someone had a bucket, stood 10 feet back, and launched it as high as possible. The only thing I can think of is she put her hands on the floor like a downward dog.
Pretty easy explanation......some people don't like to put their ass on a strange toilet seat and don't like to shiest in strange potty's either so they get in a hurry and apply extra force to get it out quicker....add in last nights draft beer and 30 hot wings(or my Mother in laws cooking) and a person can spray a loose bowel movement as high as 7 or 8 feet while grasping both cheeks and pushing as hard as they can....
If you can’t poop like a normal human being just because you aren’t in your favorite nest then you should be put to death. Go outside and **** in the woods if you can’t be better than an animal. There’s no reason to even go into a stall if you can’t get every molecule of your scat into the bowl.
That's easy for you to say when you're not the lactose intolerant bastard holding back a 30 hot wing deuce and the moron at Starbucks didn't hear you say non dairy whipped cream on your double grande iced mocha.....
None of that prevents you from planting your butt on the seat to contain the explosion. You should also consider making better life choices. Did someone force you to eat 30 hot wings? At gun point maybe?
Yes.....his name was Bud.....Bud Light, I think...
Says the guy who assumed the label "Poo Flinger" . . .
Ok......well.........here goes. I did the “poop in a box” colon cancer screening to avoid a colonoscopy last week. My doctor said it’s 20% of the cost of a colonoscopy, very accurate, and anything that avoids invasive body procedures is a good thing. I agreed. So he ordered the test, and a few days later the “kit” shows up. Inside is a small test tube with some liquid and a lid that has a small stick attached to it, a plastic bowl with a lid that looks like heavy duty Tupperware, and some rack and a bottle of some clear liquid. I read the instructions, put the “rack” on the toilet seat, took the lid off the Tupperware, and then put that in the rack. Nothing left to do but drop trow and do my bidding. Now, I was nervous about this, because most of the time, I have poops that I wouldn’t call “box worthy”. I purposely didn’t poop in the morning, which is my normal schedule, and instead held out, taking 2 flights to,get home, and started this process at about 7 pm. What resulted was a glorious turd - one which I was quite proud of, but now the next thing in the directions was that I had to take the wand in the test tube out and get a “scraping”, placing the wand back in the test tube and screwing on the lid. It was then that I realized, in my 50+ years, that I had never examined one of my own turds so closely. I began to wonder...”is there a certain spot to scrape? Something I should avoid?” And so, looking closely in the Tupperware, I noticed... Holy hell, what the hell have I been eating, and why does it appear that I don’t chew anything? Whole sunflower seeds, full oats (from oatmeal), and an entire array of quinoa grain through the whole thing...it looked like structural concrete. So after the “scraping”, next on the instructions was to pour in the bottle of clear liquid- a “preservative”, and I’m thinking this is like one of those jars filled with formaldehyde that has dead animals or a brain or something like that entirely suspended in liquid. Nope...it barely filled the Tupperware to half cover the turd, leaving the rest exposed. After re-reading the instructions and verifying that this wasn’t “full immersion” preservative, I screwed the lid onto the Tupperware, and then put both items (the test tube and the Tupperware) back in the box inside a big “ziplock bag”. At this point, I was to tape up the box, use the preprinted shipping label, and then take it to the UPS store within 24 hours. I couldn’t stop thinking that, during shipment, that half filled Tupperware, with my glorious, scraped turd, would be sloshing around for hours on trucks and planes on its way to New Jersey. There’s no way, despite the structural concrete appearance, that his turd was going to hold up under that sloshing, and by the time it gets to its destination, it’s just going to be one big Tupperware of turd slurry soup. The glory will be gone, replaced with a bowl of oats and grains and whole nuts floating around in a shyt gravy. Then I started to wonder...what is the process, once my “special delivery” is received by the lab? Whose job is it, after likely 4 or more years of college, to open the box, pull out the Tupperware, and then twist off the lid to observe the contents? My god...how much would you hate your life and curse yourself for not studying enough to get accepted to medical school? Is that a full time job? Poop receiver and first observer? I don’t know when I get my results back, but I’m certain it will say “this guy is meeting his fiber intake goals”
If I am not mistaken, that test really only detects the presence of blood. So it is easy to analyze. It’s very simple and cheap and can be done by your local lab. Assman is probably the expert on this. There is a less-gross trick to the scrape, but I’ll not going to tell you.
That test is called cologuard and is an alternative to formal colonoscopy. Typically what will happen issue or Dr. will receive a result report that says either positive or negative. If it's negative. You are good to go. If it's positive he will have to refer you to gastroenterology for a formal colonoscopy. I have ordered many of these tests and have had a few positives which ultimately were false positives as no colon cancer was found. Some commercial insurances do not cover this test however. I have still my patients to call their insurance provider to make sure its covered, otherwise he can be $6-$700 out of pocket
After about half way through reading this I literally LOL’d the rest of the time.
Did you really need to quote the whole damn thing?
Yes. With all that poop in the post I was afraid to touch anything but the reply button.
Fine. I broke down the highlights for you.
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