- Jun 5, 2014
- 37,034
- 98,075
Founding Member
Since I consider defecation a sport, this thread is in the proper place.
I had an incident yesterday which mirrored an incident I had on October 12th, 2007, that I immortalized in print. I have posted it several times throughout the years so many of you have seen it (it's posted again below). Since it had been over 10 years, I guess the toilet Gods had decided I was due again for one of these nightmare scenarios. If you have a similar story, please post it.
Discuss.
This is a true story that happened to me on October 12, 2007. Enjoy!
At 5:30 that evening, I left work. I was so anxious to get out of there I had been ignoring some minor stomach pains I was having.
That would prove to be a mistake.
Thirty seconds after I left the office, the first stomach cramp hit me like a wrecking ball. I gritted my teeth against the pain. At that point, I began to get alarmed, as I knew it was going to take me 15 minutes to get home. However, my arrogance never allowed me to consider turning back. I mean, this is oxrageous you’re talking about – I knew I’d make it.
The following 15 minutes were some of the longest of my life. Stabbing pains came and went. I stared straight ahead, my elbows locked, my face cheesy white. I wondered over and over if this was what labor pains felt like. My bowels would clench and unclench, and I was using every muscle I had down there to hold everything in.
The last minute of the trip was a nightmare. The look on my face must have been one of a man trying to lift a piano. There was a moment or two where I honestly thought I was going to empty everything into my front seat.
I flew into my garage, nearly taking the roof off my Jeep on the rising garage door. I jumped out of the car without bothering to take the keys out of the ignition, and staggered into the house.
This is where it gets REALLY scary, as walking upright made the problem quite a bit worse. Whatever was in there (and it felt like a 30-pound ground turkey) was going to come out whether I liked it or not - I wasn't going to get a vote. As the bathroom came into view, only my butt cheeks were holding the offensive substance out – my anus had finally surrendered.
As I stumbled into the bathroom, I saw with horror that the seat was up – I really didn’t think I even had time to put it down. Somehow I managed to drop the seat and my pants at the same time. Everything began evacuating itself as I was in mid-air, my bum headed for the bowl.
It was a dead heat.
Incredibly, there was no spillage either in my drawers, the floor, the ceiling, or the wall. Somehow, I had pulled it off. I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments.
I sat there a full ten minutes, my face buried in my hands, sweating heavily. I felt like I had given birth.
I had an incident yesterday which mirrored an incident I had on October 12th, 2007, that I immortalized in print. I have posted it several times throughout the years so many of you have seen it (it's posted again below). Since it had been over 10 years, I guess the toilet Gods had decided I was due again for one of these nightmare scenarios. If you have a similar story, please post it.
Discuss.
This is a true story that happened to me on October 12, 2007. Enjoy!
At 5:30 that evening, I left work. I was so anxious to get out of there I had been ignoring some minor stomach pains I was having.
That would prove to be a mistake.
Thirty seconds after I left the office, the first stomach cramp hit me like a wrecking ball. I gritted my teeth against the pain. At that point, I began to get alarmed, as I knew it was going to take me 15 minutes to get home. However, my arrogance never allowed me to consider turning back. I mean, this is oxrageous you’re talking about – I knew I’d make it.
The following 15 minutes were some of the longest of my life. Stabbing pains came and went. I stared straight ahead, my elbows locked, my face cheesy white. I wondered over and over if this was what labor pains felt like. My bowels would clench and unclench, and I was using every muscle I had down there to hold everything in.
The last minute of the trip was a nightmare. The look on my face must have been one of a man trying to lift a piano. There was a moment or two where I honestly thought I was going to empty everything into my front seat.
I flew into my garage, nearly taking the roof off my Jeep on the rising garage door. I jumped out of the car without bothering to take the keys out of the ignition, and staggered into the house.
This is where it gets REALLY scary, as walking upright made the problem quite a bit worse. Whatever was in there (and it felt like a 30-pound ground turkey) was going to come out whether I liked it or not - I wasn't going to get a vote. As the bathroom came into view, only my butt cheeks were holding the offensive substance out – my anus had finally surrendered.
As I stumbled into the bathroom, I saw with horror that the seat was up – I really didn’t think I even had time to put it down. Somehow I managed to drop the seat and my pants at the same time. Everything began evacuating itself as I was in mid-air, my bum headed for the bowl.
It was a dead heat.
Incredibly, there was no spillage either in my drawers, the floor, the ceiling, or the wall. Somehow, I had pulled it off. I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments.
I sat there a full ten minutes, my face buried in my hands, sweating heavily. I felt like I had given birth.
