The New joke thread

Nalt

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Jul 23, 2020
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A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter
to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet
table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had
loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings
to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into
Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch
the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I
lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the
world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell
and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry.. There will be Hell to pay later!
 

Nalt

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Jul 23, 2020
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One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was!

Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"
 

grengadgy

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A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
3You and 2 others
 

Spectator

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Jan 15, 2021
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FVf1s-1UEAEfWyy.jpg
 

Spectator

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Jan 15, 2021
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I’m pretty sure I’m missing a ton of context. I know who steven c is and I’m guessing the buffalo headdress is that Jan 6 role actor dude. What’s the connection/punchline?
Schiff and another let Colbert's staffers use the Capitol offices as their studio set for two days. The 2nd night, they were in unauthorized areas unsupervised, after hours, after being ordered to leave they were let back in again, banging on office doors of conservatives, filming skits w/ Triumph the insult dog puppet. They were detained, and of course immediately released with the same charges as Jan 6 arrestees who are still locked up. The joke is both sides of the system.
 

CGgater

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Jul 30, 2014
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Schiff and another let Colbert's staffers use the Capitol offices as their studio set for two days. The 2nd night, they were in unauthorized areas unsupervised, after hours, after being ordered to leave they were let back in again, banging on office doors of conservatives, filming skits w/ Triumph the insult dog puppet. They were detained, and of course immediately released with the same charges as Jan 6 arrestees who are still locked up. The joke is both sides of the system.

Can’t say I’m surprised. The rules don’t apply to the Left, as usual.
 

Nalt

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Jul 23, 2020
6,626
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A young Priest was going to give his first mass to his congregation and of course was very nervous. This after all was going to be his Parish for many years to come and he wanted everything to work out right. The Bishop was on hand to support and critique the Priest after Mass. The Bishop told the young priest he should take a sip of the wine before he began the Mass, to calm his nerves.

The Mass was completed in record time and the Priest immediately afterward asked the Bishop how he did. The Bishop said.....Well my son you did ok, but there are a few areas we need to correct.

I suggest you no longer refer to Jesus Christ and his Desciples as the late JC & the Boys.

There are 10 Commandments and 12 Desciples!!! Get that one straight.

The Trinity of the Father, Son & Holy Spirit is not the same as Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook!!!

We generally sip the precious blood and gently take the body on the tongue. It's best not to grab a handfull like they were snack crackers and chase them down with a big swig from the chalice.

The Virgin Mary should not be addressed as Mary still with cherry!

and in your final announcements.......well, there will be a taffy pulling contest next Sunday at St. Peters.....not the opposite.
 

Nalt

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Jul 23, 2020
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize
for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised
meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
 

B52G8rAC

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An old Scotsman was lying on his deathbed close to meeting St. Peter in person when he remembered the lifelong feud he had with a neighbor. He asked his son to bring the man over so he could ask for grace and make amends. The son pleaded with the neighbor to come and he finally acquiesced. The dying Scot begged for reconciliation and asked the neighbor for one last ask of forgiveness. He said there was a bottle of 17 year old single malt Scotch in the liquor cabinet that the neighbor should poor over his grave at the funeral. "Can ye grant me this one boon, man, to show your fidelity?" The neighbor thought for some time and finally replied, "Aye, I canna do that. But I will be filtering it through my kidneys first."
 

Nalt

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Jul 23, 2020
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The recent inflation and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named "Governmentium". Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration! This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

It is also interesting to note that when catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
 

Nalt

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Jul 23, 2020
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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs
to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes
in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by
female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a
guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for
no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers,
men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking
women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking
beer, men often awaken with ! only hazy memories of exactly what
happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that
"something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme
cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting
male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as
"marriage."
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered
and sex
is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall
victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are
male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking
encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you,
just look up "Shooting Ranges" in the phone book. There are also some
support groups that meet on local lakes and nearby golf courses.
 

Loogis

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Aug 1, 2014
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My doctor told me the other day that I need to stop masturbating. I asked him why, and he said, because I’m trying to examine you.
 

Nalt

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Jul 23, 2020
6,626
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Martha recently lost her husband.....

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he
was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him:

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said;
"Herman remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said:
"Herman, that diamond ring you promised me ... bought that too, with the
insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said:
"Herman, remember that bl*w j*b I promised you? Here it comes".
 

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