The New joke thread

Jake from State Farm

I'm wearing Khakis, why?
Sep 6, 2014
489
791
A U.S. Army Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained
that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to
get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just
how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending
upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
6,657
18,170
In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started
building a building to open up their new business. The local Baptist
church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions
and prayers. Work progressed, however right up till the week before
opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the
ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the
bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately
responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or
indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all
responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to
the court.

As the case made it's way into court, the judge looked over the
paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to
decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner
that believes in the power of prayer , and an entire church
congregation that doesn't!"
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
6,657
18,170
Ole and Sven hired a pilot to fly them to Canada from Minnesota to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the p lane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had a plane yust like yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreck Ole asked Sven, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
 

Jake from State Farm

I'm wearing Khakis, why?
Sep 6, 2014
489
791
“As I grow in age, I value women near or over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman near or over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman near or over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women near or over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman near or over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman near or over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women near or over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman near or over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.”
1f920.png
 

I Have No Friends :(

Founding Member
Gator Bait! It's only racist to dumb Fuchs
Lifetime Member
Jun 14, 2014
3,956
12,757
Founding Member
“As I grow in age, I value women near or over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman near or over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman near or over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women near or over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman near or over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman near or over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women near or over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman near or over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.”
1f920.png
:scoff3:
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
6,657
18,170
A small white guy goes into an elevator. When he gets in he notices a huge
black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small
white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left
ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping
his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The
small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude
looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left ball,
3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says,
"Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
6,657
18,170
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority
sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted
to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex
with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when
they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste
is unbelievable!"

"And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk a bout athletes! Those guys wrestle full
grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then jump off the horses and
grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just
incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the
back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
 

B52G8rAC

SAC Trained Warrior
Lifetime Member
Feb 15, 2016
5,918
11,095
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority
sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted
to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex
with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when
they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste
is unbelievable!"

"And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk a bout athletes! Those guys wrestle full
grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then jump off the horses and
grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just
incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the
back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
For the life of me I can't think of what that refers too. That outline doesn't usually make it through the trifold leather wallet.
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
6,657
18,170
A man has been stranded on a deserted island for ten years by himself. One day, he's sitting on the beach and notices some bubbles on the surface of the water. All of the sudden, a beautiful woman with scuba tanks on comes walking out of the water. "Hi," she says. "Hi," he says. "Have you been here long?" she asks. "I've been here by myself for 10 years," he says. "Well.." she replies, "I'll bet you'd really like a cigarette." She unzips a waterproof pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, offers one to the man, and lights it. He sits there taking long drags on his cigarette, just savoring it. She says, "Well if you like that cigarette, I'll be you'd really like a cold beer!" With that, she unzips another pocket and produces a cold bottle of beer. The guy grabs it, twists the cap off and begins chugging down the beer, just moaning. The beautiful woman then says, "10 years...all by yourself huh?". "Well, I'll be you'd like to play around..." With those words, the guy jumps up, his eyes open wide, with beer coming out of his nostrils, and blurts out, "Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there somewhere."
 

wrpgator

Well-Known Member
Lifetime Member
Sep 6, 2019
8,729
27,593
Do you know that…

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?


It's because she smells like a new golf bag!
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
6,657
18,170
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely"?
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation"? the father asked.
"I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
 

deuce

Founding Member
"Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the dogs of war."
Lifetime Member
Jun 11, 2014
6,891
6,162
Founding Member
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
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Gulfstream

Founding Member
Mr. Breeze
Lifetime Member
Jun 22, 2014
2,072
3,521
Founding Member
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records...


But then the Librarian made me take it out.
 
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