Anonymous UPS Worker Tells US About Chatterers

Swamp Donkey

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this has been making it around the internet. might as well adapted to our members

From an anonymous UPS delivery driver…
5 types of customers since the “rona”:

1) Deet: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking VODKA since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Deet demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo. Deet will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.

2) Slev: He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape. Slev will not survive. Deet will probably eat him.

3) Sassy: She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her cats and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper. She will last longer than Slev, but not Deet.

4) Karen: She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonald’s, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello Kitchen” to her. Karen will not survive longer than Slev.

5) Queenie: Is sitting in the swing watching her cats in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days. Queenie will survive and marry Deet. Together they will repopulate the earth.

Got any others to add to this?

We have several in each class, no doubt. Help me identify the new groups, or people in these other classes.

Perhaps we need a who will survive the Apocalypse playoff.
 
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Detroitgator

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From an anonymous UPS delivery driver…
5 types of customers since the “rona”:

1) Deet: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Deet demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo. Deet will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.

2) Slev: He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape. Slev will not survive. Deet will probably eat him.

3) Sassy: She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her cats and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper. She will last longer than Slev, but not Deet.

4) Karen: She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonald’s, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello Kitchen” to her. Karen will not survive longer than Slev.

5) Queenie: Is sitting in the swing watching her cats in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days. Queenie will survive and marry Deet. Together they will repopulate the earth.

Got any others to add to this?

We have several in each class, no doubt. Help me identify the new groups, or people in these other classes.

Perhaps we need a who will survive the Apocalypse playoff.
6 months?!?!?!? Pfffft!

Funny thing on the Greg Gutfeld Show last night about handshakes, and they had to bleep Mike Baker... He said, "Yeah, I can't stand this. How am I supposed to tell if a guy is a man or a p*ssy?"
 

Swamp Donkey

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Gren deserves his own class. I will back be back with an update tonight.

probably Cover2 also.
 

BNAG8R

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Bloody Marys are just my way of justifying morning drinking without admitting to alcoholism. I switch to brown liquors in the afternoon.
 

QueenCityGator

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Is this going to be as bad as the “what level Gator are you?” thread of years ago?

For the record I was a level 782 Gator.
 

JDW

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Is there a military branch rundown like they used to do in MAD magazine? Those were great and would be able to incorporate a few guys around these parts
 

gardnerwebbgator

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Bloody Marys are just my way of justifying morning drinking without admitting to alcoholism. I switch to brown liquors in the afternoon.

1398.gif
 

PastyStoole

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6) Ox: Oddly, I have *NEVER* delivered toilet paper to this man, it's almost as if his own mental denial of the existence of a pandemic has accrued to his physical denial of the evacuation of his bowels. I have no idea where it goes...or maybe I do. He greets my delivery vehicle each day clad only in tighty-whities. Revealing enough for me to notice that his weight has ballooned substantially since the outbreak, that he doesn't change his skivvies very frequently, and enough to make both me and the surrounding neighbors cringe as he rushes to my truck to pick up his daily delivery from eBay. So far, those deliveries only include rusted and broken tools and dangerously wired household appliances that could be replaced at a fraction of the cost with newer and safer ones from Home Depot. Other than that, four cases each week of Fresca, which he tells me he uses for some kind of home-brewed alcohol concoction that he consumes on the reg. He'll frequently break wind loudly as he chats with me at unsafe distances, noting it matter of factly each time and adding insult to the probable injury he's causing me through my inhalation of his virus-laden flatulence. He'll be dead next week.

7) Coach: This gentleman, on the other hand, has mountains of toilet paper delivered each day. He swears he's not stockpiling, and I believe him. At the safe distance prescribed by the authority he has blindly adhered to, Coach describes his bowel movements to me in the most excruciating detail, down to the meal and the sides of that meal that are being expelled. He's full of all kinds of 'interesting' trivia about bowel movements too. He once told me the human intestine is so long that if you laid it end-to-end, you could eat a meal in Franklin, Kentucky and pass it in Evansville, Indiana. I spend more time listening to this fella's banal banter than I spend on the entirety of my whole route. But there's something endearing enough about him that makes me stay and listen. He reminds me of Boxer the horse in Animal Farm. The State, (and by "State" I mean the Kafka-esque state, not the state of Florida), may kill him randomly and indiscriminately one day as he cheerfully follows their iron-fisted rules, but the virus *NEVER* will. He's fitter than most twenty-somethings I know and as strong as, well, Boxer the horse.
 
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