The New joke thread

Since we are recycling old jokes, here goes:
Three good ole Florida boys were serving out their sentence in a minimum security farm digging drainage ditches. It was the middle of July in Escambia County and needless to say the work was miserable. Down in the ditch, sweating and digging were two of the three, one from the "U" and the other a Criminole. At the top of the ditch, laying under the shade of an oak and sipping a cool sweet tea was the Florida man. The Criminole looked at the coCane, and said, "Why is that Gator up there enjoying life while we are down here working our asses off" (no offense Law). The Cane said, "no clue, why don't you go axe him." So the Criminole climbed out of the ditch and confronted the Gator. "why," he asked, "are you up here and we are down there working?" The Gator carefully put down his cold drink, stood up and answered, "something called intelligence." The Criminole said, "intelligence, what's that?" The Gator said, "I'll demonstrate." He stood beside the oak tree and put his hand on the trunk and told the Criminole to pick up his shovel, swing as hard as he could and hit his hand with the blade. The befuddled man did just as directed and before the shovel hit, the Gator drew his hand back. He looked at the Criminole and said, "that's an example of intelligence." The Criminole nodded and went back down to his work. The coCane looked at him and asked, "well, what did he say?" He said, "intelligence." Wha dat?" The Criminole said, "I'll demonstrate"; covered his face with his palm, and said, "pick up your shovel and hit my hand."

I think Law would seize the opportunity to talk smack with zambo when zambo tells his cock sucking story, swonkey can feel some camaraderie by telling his ass sucking story

I hide a lot when I'm at work.

They say a good employee is hard to find

So, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, an FSU PhD with an above average IQ, and a meth dealer from Monroe County were in a closed room with $10 million cash piled up in the middle, winner take all. The room was locked for 60 minutes, who walked out with the loot? The meth dealer, the other three are fairy tales.

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
The three men had always done everything together!!!!!
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.
Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two buttholes.”
“What? He had two buttholes?” asked the mortician.
Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two buttholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes!”

When I was young, I was poor. Now, after decades of hard work, I'm no longer young.

EyeDocGator said:

Click to expand...

Jordan's Bull's team is getting up there in age. But you would also need to take into account that Lebron is a big puddin...

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.

The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’ll be worth it. So he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first, giving the rooster a pep talk. “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, and when the farmer points toward the henhouse, he takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse — three or four times. The farmer is shocked.

Later, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, and sure enough, Randy is in there.

Later still, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again — WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset, Randy is out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught — worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob — stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful — and expensive — animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhh. They’re getting closer.”

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."
She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."

Last month, a group of bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So, they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says “Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?”
She says tearfully, "I'm going to kill myself!!”

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either, so he asked,

"Well, before you jump, Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

A rich 70 year old man was hopelessly in love with a beautiful 25 year old vixen,
but the beauty had her doubts. "Henry, she said, I just can't love a man who is
just so wrinkled up the way you are." Henry went to his doctor and ask if there was
anything he could do to bring some youth back into his looks. The doctor sat him down,
stood behind him and began to pull his skin from the top of his head. When he finished
he tied all the excessive skin into a knot and let it hang like a ponytail. Delighted with how
smooth his skin now looked, he ran to see his girlfriend. "Oh Henry, she said, your skin looks
so smooth and youthful. but I don't ever remember that dimple in your chin." "Oh, said Henry,
that's not a dimple, it's my belly button. But if you think that's something, let me show you
this necktie of mine."

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to
their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he
caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and
he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back
pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and
began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw
blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops
of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot
eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror

They had a guest speaker come to the state prison up at Raiford. Before the prison warden introduced the speaker he said he wanted to first tell a few jokes to kick things off and to get everybody in a good mood to receive their distinguished guest. The warden shouted out the number "17" and the audience burst into laughter. He then called out the number "24" and again the men in the audience started laughing with deep belly laughs. Well let me tell one more said the warden before we get started and when the warden shouted out "six" you'd never heard such a raucous sound of men laughing so hard tears were streaming down their eyes. The laughing went on for at least five minutes.

When the auditorium finally settled down the warden took his seat next to the invited speaker who said to the warden, "What was that all about?" The warden said that he was telling the men jokes. He said, " The men you are about to address are all hardened criminals many who have been incarcerated here for years. I have about 25 jokes in my repertoire. The men have heard every one of my jokes so many times that I just assigned each of my jokes a number between one and 25. That way it saves time telling them and the men know what they are just by the numbers because they have heard them over and over.

The guest speaker said, "That's pretty cool. I'd like to try it."

"By all means," said the warden. "Go ahead. The audience is all yours."

The guest speaker strode up to the podium and announced, "Glad to be here today, thanks for having me, but before I get started I'd like to tell you fellas a few jokes." He called out the number "10". There was no reaction from the crowd at all. The men all just sat there stone faced. The speaker then called out "14". Again, it was so quiet that you could have heard a pin drop. The speaker wondered if he was doing something wrong. He thought that just maybe jokes number "10" and "14" weren't very good ones. He remembered that when the warden used joke number six that he got a response that brought the house down. The speaker thought he would try that one. He shouted out "six" and instead of the response he was hoping for the men again just sat there silent with their heads in their hands.

The speaker left the podium and went back to take his seat next to the warden. He asked the warden, "What the hell is going on? You called out the numbers and you had the audience dying with laughter and rolling in the aisles, but when I tried even the same same joke you did I got nothing but blank stares. What gives?"

The old warden rocked back in his chair shrugged his shoulders and said "I guess some can tell 'em and some can't."

"Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play.
- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach
-----------
"Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch."
- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver
-----------
"I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect."
- Doug Sanders, professional golfer
-----------
"All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'"
- Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher
-----------
"When it's third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time."
- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver
-----------
"I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad you're having them."
- Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager
-----------
"My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget."
- E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations
-----------
"When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax's."
- Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery
-----------
"I don't know. I only played there for nine years."
- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

"We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost."
- John Breen, Houston Oilers
-----------
"The film looks suspiciously like the game itself."
- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons
-----------
"When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo."
- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
-----------
"I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats."
- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner
-----------
"Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day."
- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.
-----------
"I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball."
- Lou Holtz ,Arkansas football coach
-----------
"I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday."
- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
-----------
"I tell him 'Attaway to hit, George.'"
- Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting
-----------
"I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the operation on someone else, not you."
- Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers
-----------
"Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash."
- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.
-----------
"The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday."
- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a
fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother
is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that
it is just not appropriate ....

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off
your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."