The New joke thread

B52G8rAC

SAC Trained Warrior
Lifetime Member
Feb 15, 2016
5,918
11,094
A young football fan saved for 5 years to buy his first ticket to the Super Bowl. He got to the game and discovered his seat was high in the nosebleed section behind a support column. He noticed as empty seat down on the fifty yard line half way up the stands and at the end of the first quarter walked down to see want was going on. When he got there, he asked the older gentleman if he knew anything about the empty seat. The senior citizen said, yes, that's my wife's seat. We had been married for 60 years and have been to every Super Bowl since 1967 but she passed away before she could come this year. You are welcome to share the game with me if you would like. The young man took the seat and and enjoyed the second quarter with the older man. At halftime, he asked why the gentleman had not asked a family member of close friend to join him at the game. The old man looked at him and said, "none of them could make it, they are at the funeral."
 

cover2

Founding Member
I've grown old
Lifetime Member
Jun 12, 2014
8,834
32,030
Founding Member
Not a canned joke, but a humorous event at school. One of our SPED teachers, who has about the best rapport with kids I’ve ever seen, was talking to one of his autistic students who rarely ever talks (though they work on communication skills quite a bit). He asked him “Danny, when do you think you might get finished with your math assignment?” The student replied “I don’t know. When do you think you might get a girlfriend?!” We fell about the place! Obviously, the work on communication skills was paying off!
 

Alumni Guy

Newbie
Lifetime Member
Nov 7, 2015
2,473
6,688
Not a canned joke, but a humorous event at school. One of our SPED teachers, who has about the best rapport with kids I’ve ever seen, was talking to one of his autistic students who rarely ever talks (though they work on communication skills quite a bit). He asked him “Danny, when do you think you might get finished with your math assignment?” The student replied “I don’t know. When do you think you might get a girlfriend?!” We fell about the place! Obviously, the work on communication skills was paying off!
Danny would fit right in with the Chatter Misfits.
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
6,626
18,112
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the FedEx guy wants to buy Mom ."
 

grengadgy

Founding Member
Well-Known Member
Lifetime Member
Jun 11, 2014
8,013
4,832
Founding Member
83801536_2635131560031720_4238003028789035008_n.jpg
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
6,626
18,112
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the
door of the room, strip off their robes & habits, and paint naked. In the
middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the
other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"
 

deuce

Founding Member
"Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the dogs of war."
Lifetime Member
Jun 11, 2014
6,891
6,162
Founding Member
Drive your co-workers Nutz!

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3) Insist that your e-mail address be: xena-goddess-of [email protected]

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy".

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) dontuseanypunctuationorspaces

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are.

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

17) Sing Along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22) Five days in advance tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

23) Hum when you ride an elevator.
 

deuce

Founding Member
"Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the dogs of war."
Lifetime Member
Jun 11, 2014
6,891
6,162
Founding Member
This was in the Washington Post...

The title of the article was, "Best Comeback Line Ever."


Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, resident of

Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Lawrence will be

charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public

intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.



The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he

decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and

there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he

stated in a phone interview from the Lawrenceville jail.



Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road,

picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole

in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."



"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with

evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice the

Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience

until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.



"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I

walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are

screwing a pumpkin?"



He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in

the face and said, "A pumpkin!? Damn ... is it midnight already?"
 

deuce

Founding Member
"Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the dogs of war."
Lifetime Member
Jun 11, 2014
6,891
6,162
Founding Member
Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding)

  1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.


  2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.


  3. A 4 years olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.


  4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.


  5. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.


  6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.


  7. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.


  8. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.


  9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.


  10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.


  11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.


  12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.


  13. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.


  14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.


  15. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.


  16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.


  17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.


  18. Duplos will not.


  19. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.


  20. Super glue is forever.


  21. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.


  22. Ditto Tarzan.


  23. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.


  24. Pool filters do not like Jello.


  25. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.


  26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.


  27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.


  28. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.


  29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.


  30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.


  31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.


  32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.


  33. It will however make cats dizzy.


  34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.


  35. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.


  36. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
 
Last edited:

wrpgator

Well-Known Member
Lifetime Member
Sep 6, 2019
8,725
27,592
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
6,626
18,112
Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys remarks to the other, "Boy you look really tired!" His friend replies, "Dude, I'm exhausted, my girlfriend wants sex all the time! three, four, sometimes even six times a night! She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do!"
A fellow, in his seventies is sitting a few bar stools down from them overhears their conversation. He looked over at the two men, and showing the wisdom of his age says, "Marry her. That'll put an end to that nonsense."
 

B52G8rAC

SAC Trained Warrior
Lifetime Member
Feb 15, 2016
5,918
11,094
A charge nurse walks wearily back to the nurses station after responding to an alarm in the same patient's room for the 5th time in an hour. Her supervisor asks what's going on and can she help. The nurse looks up and says, "No, its my fault; I should have read the patient's chart more closely." Why, the supervisor asks, are we treating him incorrectly. Does he have an allergy or something. No the nurse answered, he is an engineer. When he asked what SPO2 sensor was for and how it worked, I explained it to him. Now he holding his breath every 10 minutes to see if it it still working. If I had known he was an engineer, I would have said magic.
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Help Users

You haven't joined any rooms.

    Birthdays

    Members online

    No members online now.

    Forum statistics

    Threads
    31,642
    Messages
    1,615,698
    Members
    1,642
    Latest member
    fishermb