- Sep 6, 2019
- 8,878
- 28,016
The New joke thread
- Thread starter deuce
- Start date
- Jun 10, 2014
- 20,143
- 41,375
Founding Member
WTF is that?
- Sep 6, 2019
- 8,878
- 28,016
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,806
- 18,637
Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your
bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this
with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
I guess that exchange happened a long time ago...
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your
bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this
with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
I guess that exchange happened a long time ago...
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''
The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!
'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''
The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!
- Jul 20, 2014
- 20,411
- 15,413
The difference between a single woman and married woman and why married women are heavier
After work the single woman looks in the fridge and after seeing the options goes to bed.
The married woman goes home sees whats in the bed and goes to the fridge.
After work the single woman looks in the fridge and after seeing the options goes to bed.
The married woman goes home sees whats in the bed and goes to the fridge.
- Jun 11, 2014
- 8,013
- 4,832
Founding Member
Don't talk to my parrot!
Laura’s dishwasher stopped working one day, so she called the repairman to come fix it. Since she had to work the next day, Laura told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.”
“Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my bulldog, Bob,” she added. “He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I repeat, do not talk to my parrot!”
When the repairman got to Laura’s apartment the next day, he found the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. Just as Laura had said, the dog simply lay there watching the repairman go about his work.
However, the entire time the repairman was working, the parrot drove him crazy with his incessant yelling, cursing and name-calling. Finally, the repairman lost his temper and exclaimed, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
The parrot immediately replied, “Get him, Bob!”
Laura’s dishwasher stopped working one day, so she called the repairman to come fix it. Since she had to work the next day, Laura told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.”
“Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my bulldog, Bob,” she added. “He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I repeat, do not talk to my parrot!”
When the repairman got to Laura’s apartment the next day, he found the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. Just as Laura had said, the dog simply lay there watching the repairman go about his work.
However, the entire time the repairman was working, the parrot drove him crazy with his incessant yelling, cursing and name-calling. Finally, the repairman lost his temper and exclaimed, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
The parrot immediately replied, “Get him, Bob!”
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,806
- 18,637
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT
ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL
APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!" Again, the old man smiled,
"Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "Rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT
ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL
APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!" Again, the old man smiled,
"Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "Rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
- Aug 20, 2018
- 16,979
- 21,201
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,806
- 18,637
A woman walks into the pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.
The girl, a little confused, explains to the woman they don't sell
rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the woman assures the assistant that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the girl, "we don't have any"
'But ah does always buy it here," says the woman.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the assistant.
”YES", said the woman, "Ah go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the girl who looks
at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the woman snatches the container from the girl and reads out loud from
the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
deodorant.
The girl, a little confused, explains to the woman they don't sell
rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the woman assures the assistant that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the girl, "we don't have any"
'But ah does always buy it here," says the woman.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the assistant.
”YES", said the woman, "Ah go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the girl who looks
at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the woman snatches the container from the girl and reads out loud from
the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
- Sep 6, 2019
- 8,878
- 28,016
THE DONKEY
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Now...Enough of that feel good crap . . . The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
The moral from this lesson:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Now...Enough of that feel good crap . . . The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
The moral from this lesson:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
