- Jun 12, 2014
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The most important and talked about award in sports, the ESPY "Courage" award, is still months away but already news rooms and Vegas odds-makers are bustling to guess who the next pervert will be to win it all, stand awkwardly in front of the crowd at the ceremony, and say "Look at me, I'm a special snowflake." The candidates are:
A) Lamar Odom This guy had the raw courage to pursue his particular depravity by combining handfuls of boner pills with kilos of coke - a risky proposition at best. But when you have the derring-do to chase your dream of a $75,000 lost weekend of hookers and blow, no risk is too small. Fans of Klomar have already offered up their kidneys to keep this hero alive, perhaps in hopes that he will bring the ESPY "Courage Award," home for straight guys everywhere. If he does win it, it'll break the 14-year grip homosexuals and transvestites have had on the award.
B) David Denson In the frantic rush to become the first in your sport to draw unwarranted media attention to what you do in the bedroom, David Denson stands as a shining pillar of hope to those who play in near-empty ballparks for fans who got their tickets at Burger King. In perhaps one of the most courageous acts since Crockett stood fast at the Alamo, Denson came out to his minor league baseball teammates, the worldwide media, and -most importantly- to his fan, who is said to be his live in boyfriend. Teammates, who began wondering if that really was a hard-on Denson was sporting in the shower last week, undoubtedly welcomed the unnecessary openness about his sexual preferences, gladly answering embarrassing and awkward questions from the throngs of media who descended on their normally quiet clubhouse.
C) Divine (Posthumously) Before Divine became the sweaty, bombastic, disgusting and frightening 6'2 300 lbs. transvestite who starred in bad John Waters films, he/she was a tenacious offensive guard standout at St. Ignatius prep in Baltimore. Divine decided to forgo many D-1 offers to pursue his/her dream of becoming an attention whoring fat man in ill-fitting women's clothing. Sadly we lost Divine too soon when her heart exploded.
D) Billy Beane If this genius behind "Money Ball" has some sort of 'interesting' sex life that we all need to be sympathetic toward, none of us are aware of it. That's because like 99.9% of the rest of us, he doesn't talk about it or expect us to celebrate it. He does, however, have an unfortunately similar name to a career .219 hitter named Billy BEAN who struggled to stay on rosters and was carried through the streets in Roman Triumph when he announced he was attracted to men. Beane, the GM, deserves the award simply for being mistaken for the "Look at me everybody!" Bean too many times. If I know ESPN well enough they may just give it to him out of their own confusion.
E) Greg Lou Gayness
Cast your vote now for a chance to win a limo ride with the award recipient, in what will be the worst night of your life.
A) Lamar Odom This guy had the raw courage to pursue his particular depravity by combining handfuls of boner pills with kilos of coke - a risky proposition at best. But when you have the derring-do to chase your dream of a $75,000 lost weekend of hookers and blow, no risk is too small. Fans of Klomar have already offered up their kidneys to keep this hero alive, perhaps in hopes that he will bring the ESPY "Courage Award," home for straight guys everywhere. If he does win it, it'll break the 14-year grip homosexuals and transvestites have had on the award.
B) David Denson In the frantic rush to become the first in your sport to draw unwarranted media attention to what you do in the bedroom, David Denson stands as a shining pillar of hope to those who play in near-empty ballparks for fans who got their tickets at Burger King. In perhaps one of the most courageous acts since Crockett stood fast at the Alamo, Denson came out to his minor league baseball teammates, the worldwide media, and -most importantly- to his fan, who is said to be his live in boyfriend. Teammates, who began wondering if that really was a hard-on Denson was sporting in the shower last week, undoubtedly welcomed the unnecessary openness about his sexual preferences, gladly answering embarrassing and awkward questions from the throngs of media who descended on their normally quiet clubhouse.
C) Divine (Posthumously) Before Divine became the sweaty, bombastic, disgusting and frightening 6'2 300 lbs. transvestite who starred in bad John Waters films, he/she was a tenacious offensive guard standout at St. Ignatius prep in Baltimore. Divine decided to forgo many D-1 offers to pursue his/her dream of becoming an attention whoring fat man in ill-fitting women's clothing. Sadly we lost Divine too soon when her heart exploded.
D) Billy Beane If this genius behind "Money Ball" has some sort of 'interesting' sex life that we all need to be sympathetic toward, none of us are aware of it. That's because like 99.9% of the rest of us, he doesn't talk about it or expect us to celebrate it. He does, however, have an unfortunately similar name to a career .219 hitter named Billy BEAN who struggled to stay on rosters and was carried through the streets in Roman Triumph when he announced he was attracted to men. Beane, the GM, deserves the award simply for being mistaken for the "Look at me everybody!" Bean too many times. If I know ESPN well enough they may just give it to him out of their own confusion.
E) Greg Lou Gayness
Cast your vote now for a chance to win a limo ride with the award recipient, in what will be the worst night of your life.
You were supposed to quote all three.
