PastyStoole's Sh!ts and Feces: UF vs LSU

PastyStoole

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With apologies to Jim McElwain, eponymously named game analysis posts on Gatorchatter have officially "jumped the shark." In that spirit, here is "Pasty's Stool," the first and probably last analysis of a football game you'll ever see from me.

First the good news, and a few things to cheer you up.
1) Jameis Winston turned the ball over six times yesterday. He threw five picks against one TD and fumbled twice, losing one. He's far and away the most turnover-prone player in the NFL since 2015, and to add to the good news cavalcade, he apparently didn't sexually assault a soul during his stay in London. I realize this doesn't have anything to do with the LSU game, but I think you'll all agree that Gator fans everywhere are happier today knowing that the female population in London somehow managed to avert this maniacal, interception-throwing octopus.

2) Kyle Trask is the real deal. He has got the kind of grit, resilience, and character that prove that the summers he spent in conversion therapy camp at the behest of his evangelical preacher father have paid off. This dude is a gamer if there ever was one. We are so much better off with him under center than Feleipe Franks. Every time I thought we were out of it, he stepped up and marched the team down the field. We lost, but it certainly wasn't his fault.

3) This loss doesn't matter. That's right, you heard me correctly. If we want to win the East we still need to beat South Carolina and Georgia, just like we needed to last Friday. If we want to make the playoff we still need to do that, plus *cough* beat Alabama or LSU in a rematch.

Ok, now the bad news:

1) Have you ever fed grease to a goose? I have, (don't ask me the circumstance or why, but trust me, it's a mess), and that's basically what our defense looked like against the LSU offense. I honestly can't remember a worse defensive performance. The only thing that saved us was the fact that we held the ball for so long. They were averaging twelve yards a play in the first half, and that included a kneel. There were parts of the game that made me feel like the defense had given up, not out of lack of desire, but out of complete exasperation and a desperate hope to just stop the play before it got to the goal line. I have very little confidence in that unit at the moment. They got lucky a few times early in the season, and they do need to get credit for their red zone effort going into the LSU game, but this issue is a real wildcard, and it could be our biggest concern going forward. The impact of Greenard not playing was pretty obvious. That guy's a disruptive monster and if he's out of the South Carolina and Georgia games, we have an issue.

2) Dan Mullen is too cute for his own good. There is nothing particularly impressive or intimidating about LSUs defense, they were tiring, we were moving the ball against them, we have a QB who is very good in my opinion. As much as I like Emory Jones, there is no reason to repeatedly bring him in to run the wildcat, which is the most telegraphing formation in football. Everybody knows the QB is going to run the ball more often than not. You may get away with it for a few downs, but by the second half, they are going to stuff it. Trask was having a great night. Why take the ball out of his hands with a halfback pass or by bringing in a new QB? The stupidity in the name of being "clever" here is astounding. This reminds me of that fake punt against Auburn. Mullen thinks he's fooling everyone, no one told him that he's only fooling himself.

3) When you shuffle QBs in and out, you lose rhythm, your clock management suffers, and your starting QB gets out of sync. When Mullen shuffled QBs, we lost valuable time, a timeout, and we gave the LSU defense time to gather themselves. We had them on their heels and, again, Mullen got full of himself and blew it.

4) Someone needs to teach the defense how to get set before a play when the opponent is running the hurry-up. Every single OC worth his salt will want to run the hurry-up against us. We looked embarrassingly unprepared for it, and that's on Grantham. Guys weren't lined up so often that it was like we playing 9 vs. 11 most of the time. Ridiculous and shameful.

5) LSU chicks may be hotter than ours. At the very least, they dress more provocatively at football games and generously bounce around more.
 
Last edited:

soflagator

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I'll be honest. I was concerned going in to this thread. It's still early and I can be a little queasy on Monday mornings.

But yes, good post that I mostly agree with. Though I'll continue to say there is always a fine line between being too cute and facing criticism, and being an offensive genius who sees things that others don't. That's just the reality of sports calls, imo.
 

Gator By Marriage

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With apologies to Jim McElwain, eponymously named game summary analysis posts on Gatorchatter have officially "jumped the shark." In that spirit, here is "Pasty's Stool," the first and probably last analysis of a football game you'll ever see from me.

First the good news, and a few things to cheer you up.
1) Jameis Winston turned the ball over six times yesterday. He threw five picks against one TD and fumbled twice, losing one. He's far and away the most turnover-prone player in the NFL since 2015, and to add to the good news cavalcade, he apparently didn't sexually assault a soul during his stay in London. I realize this doesn't have anything to do with the LSU game, but I think you'll all agree that Gator fans everywhere are happier today knowing that the female population in London somehow managed to avert this maniacal, interception-throwing octopus.

2) Kyle Trask is the real deal. He has got the kind of grit, resilience, and character that prove that the summers he spent in conversion therapy camp at the behest of his evangelical preacher father have paid off. This dude is a gamer if there ever was one. We are so much better off with him under center than Feleipe Franks. Every time I thought we were out of it, he stepped up and marched the team down the field. We lost, but it certainly wasn't his fault.

3) This loss doesn't matter. That's right, you heard me correctly. If we want to win the East we still need to beat South Carolina and Georgia, just like we needed to last Friday. If we want to make the playoff we still need to do that, plus *cough* beat Alabama or LSU in a rematch.

Ok, now the bad news:

1) Have you ever fed grease to a goose? I have, (don't ask me the circumstance or why, but trust me, it's a mess), and that's basically what our defense looked like against the LSU offense. I honestly can't remember a worse defensive performance. The only thing that saved them was the fact that we held the ball for so long. They were averaging twelve yards a play in the first half, and that included a kneel. There were parts of the game that made me feel like the defense had given up, not out of lack of desire, but out of complete exasperation and a desperate hope to just stop the play before it got to the goal line. I have very little confidence in that unit at the moment. They got lucky a few times early in the season, and they do need to get credit for their red zone effort going into the LSU game, but this issue is a real wildcard, and it could be our biggest concern going forward. The impact of Greenard not playing was pretty obvious. That guy's a disruptive monster and if he's out of the South Carolina and Georgia games, we have an issue.

2) Dan Mullen is too cute for his own good. There is nothing particularly impressive or intimidating about LSUs defense, they were tiring, we were moving the ball against them, we have a QB who is very good in my opinion. As much as I like Emory Jones, there is no reason to repeatedly bring him in to run the wildcat, which is the most telegraphing formation in football. Everybody knows the QB is going to run the ball more often than not. You may get away with it for a few downs, but by the second half, they are going to stuff it. Trask was having a great night. Why take the ball out of his hands with a halfback pass or by bringing in a new QB? The stupidity in the name of being "clever" here is astounding. This reminds me of that fake punt against Auburn. Mullen thinks he's fooling everyone, no one told him that he's only fooling himself.

3) When you shuffle QBs in and out, you lose rhythm, your clock management suffers, and your starting QB gets out of sync. When Mullen shuffled QBs, we lost valuable time, a timeout, and we gave the LSU defense time to gather themselves. We had them on their heels and, again, Mullen got full of himself and blew it.

4) Someone needs to teach the defense how to get set before a play when the opponent is running the hurry-up. Every single OC worth his salt will want to run the hurry-up against us. We looked embarrassingly unprepared for it, and that's on Grantham. Guys weren't lined up so often that it was like we playing 9 vs. 11 most of the time. Ridiculous and shameful.

5) LSU chicks may be hotter than ours. At the very least, they dress more provocatively at football games and generously bounce around more.
Looks like @cover2 may have some competition. Your last point was particularly profound.
 

SGG

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Please make this a weekly feature.

Also, please whichever mod reads this first, pin it to the top of the page.

This is great stuff :lol:

I agree with the Trask sentiment, as well as Mullen getting too cute on both of the failed red zone attempts. He actually did it thrice, after calling that pseudo-jump pass bullshyt with Jones, only to get bailed out on a great play by Perine.

Mullen called a masterful game, save for those three questionable times.
 

GatorJ

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Please make this a weekly feature.

Also, please whichever mod reads this first, pin it to the top of the page.

This is great stuff :lol:

I agree with the Trask sentiment, as well as Mullen getting too cute on both of the failed red zone attempts. He actually did it thrice, after calling that pseudo-jump pass bullshyt with Jones, only to get bailed out on a great play by Perine.

Mullen called a masterful game, save for those three questionable times.

And running on 2nd and 20 deep in our territory in the 4th.
 

SGG

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And running on 2nd and 20 deep in our territory in the 4th.
Yeah, you know, I’m sure I missed a few “wtf are you doing Dan?” moments, or I’ve just blocked them out of my mind.

This was a winnable game and those calls hurt us, but at some point the defense was going to have to get more than one 3 and out stand in a row.

It just didn’t happen.
 

maheo30

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We saw 2 years of FF as a starter. In that time, there were never any moments where I said, "Wow, he's going to be really good." While there was growth, it was small. Trask has started 4 games. I've seen Trask growing leaps and bounds. FF never had the kind of game Trask had against the kitties.

As for not playing EJ, I get it from a football standpoint. But, FF is likely transferring. Right now, EJ could start for scUM and fsux. There are plenty of other schools he could start for as well. He needs to play to ensure he stays next season. Otherwise, we are screwed.
 

Gatorraid81

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We saw 2 years of FF as a starter. In that time, there were never any moments where I said, "Wow, he's going to be really good." While there was growth, it was small. Trask has started 4 games. I've seen Trask growing leaps and bounds. FF never had the kind of game Trask had against the kitties.

As for not playing EJ, I get it from a football standpoint. But, FF is likely transferring. Right now, EJ could start for scUM and fsux. There are plenty of other schools he could start for as well. He needs to play to ensure he stays next season. Otherwise, we are screwed.

Definitely don't want to have to go through another season with only 2 scholarship QB's. I'm just scared that EJ will bolt with Franks, leaving us with Trask and AR. Wonder if Mullen would finally take a QB transfer if this situation arises?
 

NVAGATOR86

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Very good analysis and post. I agree that our defense without Greenard is in big trouble. Not so much without Zuniga because with Greenard we were able to adapt and overcome . But against LSU number 58's absence was highlighted. Your S**T thru a goose analogy was priceless and I used the line a few times while watching the game.
Many on this site think we are going to roll the Cocks. I don't agree and believe this is going to be a very tough pick em game. Our offense is going to have to eliminate turn overs, and grind out yards and time similar to last Saturday. The last thing we want to do is keep our D on the field for extended periods of time. I am confident that Grantham will have a different game plan that will use more man on man coverage , and more blitz packages. The Cock QB's can hurt us but they are not Burrow. Time to take some chances and see if DBUF can walk the walk.
We have young guys on D but none at Greenard's level. They will need to grow up fast. You were right on with Grantham's lack of preparation. I have a feeling that he and Mullen learned some lessons from this loss. If so we will be ok. If not it will be a bad day in Cock Land.
 

SeabeeGator

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Very good analysis and post. I agree that our defense without Greenard is in big trouble. Not so much without Zuniga because with Greenard we were able to adapt and overcome . But against LSU number 58's absence was highlighted. Your S**T thru a goose analogy was priceless and I used the line a few times while watching the game.
Many on this site think we are going to roll the Cocks. I don't agree and believe this is going to be a very tough pick em game. Our offense is going to have to eliminate turn overs, and grind out yards and time similar to last Saturday. The last thing we want to do is keep our D on the field for extended periods of time. I am confident that Grantham will have a different game plan that will use more man on man coverage , and more blitz packages. The Cock QB's can hurt us but they are not Burrow. Time to take some chances and see if DBUF can walk the walk.
We have young guys on D but none at Greenard's level. They will need to grow up fast. You were right on with Grantham's lack of preparation. I have a feeling that he and Mullen learned some lessons from this loss. If so we will be ok. If not it will be a bad day in Cock Land.
Don’t forget, LSU is more talented at literally every position on offense. Deebo Samuel is the only guy who could sniff the field at LSU. If their QB does play, he’ll be significantly hobbled. If he doesn’t, they’re using a part time WR/QB. If Grantham doesn’t shut that down, he should be fired before the team plane leaves Columbia.
 

NVAGATOR86

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Don’t forget, LSU is more talented at literally every position on offense. Deebo Samuel is the only guy who could sniff the field at LSU. If their QB does play, he’ll be significantly hobbled. If he doesn’t, they’re using a part time WR/QB. If Grantham doesn’t shut that down, he should be fired before the team plane leaves Columbia.
Agree completely that the Cocks are not close to LSU'S talent. What concerns me is that their strength on offense is running the ball. Right now that could be a problem for us. If our D can't get them off the field they can slow the game down and reduce our ability to score. I really see Muschamp saying let's run the ball until they stop us. He knows his QB is shaky at best. Then you have the non x's and o's stuff like home field , momentum from the Dawg upset, and our banged up line. I do think we get a break with the noon start. Agree the key is Grantham putting together a plan to shut them down.
 

SeabeeGator

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Agree completely that the Cocks are not close to LSU'S talent. What concerns me is that their strength on offense is running the ball. Right now that could be a problem for us. If our D can't get them off the field they can slow the game down and reduce our ability to score. I really see Muschamp saying let's run the ball until they stop us. He knows his QB is shaky at best. Then you have the non x's and o's stuff like home field , momentum from the Dawg upset, and our banged up line. I do think we get a break with the noon start. Agree the key is Grantham putting together a plan to shut them down.
Put 8 in the box and dare their broken QB or WR/QB to throw it. Hilinski was so hobbled there’s no way he can be a threat running. He’s a sitting duck.
 

Gatormac2112

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Great post. I will add that in 2006 Mullen would bring in Tebow for Leak sometimes if a short gain needed to be made or some option work on the goal line, never did he sit Leak down on the far side of the field for Tebow to start a drive. Mullen started a drive with EJ and also decided to run Trask like he was Tebow on the goal line. Bizarro to say the least.
 

NVAGATOR86

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Put 8 in the box and dare their broken QB or WR/QB to throw it. Hilinski was so hobbled there’s no way he can be a threat running. He’s a sitting duck.
Yep. If the number 3 guy is in we will need to protect the edges because he can run . I agree we know pretty much what we are going to get. Not being prepared is not an option.
 

rogdochar

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Your goose mention reminded me : "After a goose gives oral sex does she feel a little down in the mouth."

Very sharp sum up, Pasty.
 

Minister of Information

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Why run the ball at all? Why not pass every play? In fact why not throw the deep ball every play since anything else is just a waste of time?

Our running game was pretty effective though three quarters, and without it we might have lost by 4 or 5 touchdowns. The defense God love them was just over matched. We needed LSU mistakes to win this game but we just didn’t get them. We were fully in the ball game with 5:00 left in the fourth, on a huge stage in one of the most hostile environments in CFB, despite a relatively vast disadvantage in talent. I don’t love to lose but dammit I’m not ashamed of the way we played.
 

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