Best Posts in Thread: The New joke thread

  1. deuce

    deuce Mentally Challenged
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    saveher.jpg
     
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    • Nalt

      Nalt Well-Known Member
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      A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The
      surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small
      knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten
      up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.

      Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob". Over the course of the years, the
      woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman
      remained young and vibrant looking.

      After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems...
      "All these years, everything has been working fine, I have had to turn the
      knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I have
      developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my
      eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

      The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
      your breasts."

      She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
       
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      • Nalt

        Nalt Well-Known Member
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        A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

        After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

        For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

        This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter’s report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

        Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red ‘A’ under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

        “Was it the nuns that did it?” the father asked. The boy shook his head and said “No.”

        “Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?” “No.”

        “The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?”

        “No”, said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the "plus sign," I KNEW they meant business!”
         
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        • deuce

          deuce Mentally Challenged
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          After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
          Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
          P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
          S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

          P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
          S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

          P: Something loose in cockpit
          S: Something tightened in cockpit

          P: Dead bugs on windshield.
          S: Live bugs on back-order.

          P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
          S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

          P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
          S: Evidence removed.

          P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
          S: DME volume set to more believable level.

          P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
          S: That's what friction locks are for.

          P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
          S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

          P: Suspected crack in windshield.
          S: Suspect you're right.

          P: Number 3 engine missing.
          S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

          P: Aircraft handles funny.
          S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

          P: Target radar hums.
          S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

          P: Mouse in cockpit.
          S: Cat installed.

          P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
          S: Took hammer away from midget.
           
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          • deuce

            deuce Mentally Challenged
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            • Okeechobee Joe

              Okeechobee Joe Lost Ball in High Grass
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              So this Yankee went down to Mississippi and was driving down a dark isolated road at night. He was not familiar with the country roads and was a little tentative driving under these less than ideal conditions. A Mississippian who was familiar with the local roads came speeding along around a corner and the two cars sideswiped each other. Luckily no one was hurt but just shaken up.

              The two drivers got out of their vehicles and approached each other. The Southerner could see the Yankee was pretty shaken and nervous. He said " buddy I've got something in my car that will help calm your nerves down." He walked back to his car, lifted the trunk, and pulled out a bottle of bourbon. "Here take a drink of this," the Southerner said. The Yankee took a drink and said "that's really good stuff" to which the Southerner said "go ahead and have another drink". The Northerner took another drink and several more and said " I've always heard of Southern hospitality, but this is really nice of you. I'm starting to feel a lot better."

              To which the Mississippian replied in his Southern drawl "Oh think nothing of it. Go ahead and help yourself to another swig. The police will be here in a minute or two."
               
              #19 Okeechobee Joe, Jul 29, 2020
              Last edited: Jul 29, 2020
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              • Turk182

                Turk182 Go to guy!

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                89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
                Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
                The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
                Ron replied, "That would be my wife.
                 
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                • Turk182

                  Turk182 Go to guy!

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                  newjoke.jpg
                   
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                  • B52G8rAC

                    B52G8rAC Well-Known Member
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                    39 Things Never Said By Southerners

                    39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
                    38. Duct tape won't fix that.
                    37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
                    36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
                    35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
                    33. You can't feed that to the dog.
                    32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
                    31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
                    30. Wrasslin's fake.
                    29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
                    28. We're Vegans.
                    27. Do you think my gut is too big?
                    26. I'm so glad they added Bravo to our cable lineup.
                    25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
                    24. Who's Richard Petty?
                    23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
                    22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
                    21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
                    20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart's today.
                    19. Trim the fat off that steak.
                    18. Double non-fat latte, please
                    17. The tires on that truck are too big.
                    16. Quick, turn on the soccer game.
                    15. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
                    14. I've got it all on the C drive.
                    13. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
                    12. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
                    11. We're registered at Tiffany's.
                    10. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
                    9. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
                    8. Checkmate.
                    7. It's just wrong to watch a sport where everyone's waiting for a wreck to happen.
                    6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" we haven't seen.
                    5. I don't have a favorite college team.
                    4. John Lennon was way more talented than Johnny Cash.
                    3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
                    2. Go Irish!
                    1. No pie for me. I'm too full.
                     
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                    • wrpgator

                      wrpgator Well-Known Member
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                      A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside...

                      "GET TREATMENT FOR $20...

                      IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100."

                      A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn a quick $100 and goes to the clinic.
                      Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

                      Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

                      Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene!"

                      Chinese: "Congrats! Your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

                      The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
                      Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

                      Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

                      Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene! You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

                      Chinese: "Congrats! You got your memory back. Give me $20."

                      The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later, determined to get back $100.
                      Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak - I can't see at all."

                      Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

                      Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $1, not $100!!"

                      Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20."
                       
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                      • Treebeard

                        Treebeard Oops, just stepped on a Lorax.
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                        The new "Who's on First!"

                        [​IMG]
                         
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                        • Nalt

                          Nalt Well-Known Member
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                          An 'older gentleman' was out fishing in his boat one day when he heard a
                          voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around but couldn't see any one. He thought
                          he had just imagined it, when he heard the voice again. "Pick me up."

                          He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog. The man
                          said, "Excuse me? Are you talking to me?"

                          The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me. I'll
                          turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and I'll give you more
                          pleasure than you've ever dreamed of."

                          The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
                          carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

                          The frog said, "What, are you crazy? Didn't you hear what I said? I said
                          kiss me and I will give you days and nights of pleasure like you've never had in
                          your life!"

                          The man looked down into his pocket at the frog and said, "Nah. At my age,
                          I'd rather have a talking frog."
                           
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                          • deuce

                            deuce Mentally Challenged
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                            Mind your manners....... Now that's a joke.


                            The Joking Boss

                            The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the
                            whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked
                            up. Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.
                            "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a
                            sense of humor?"

                            "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."
                             
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                            • Nalt

                              Nalt Well-Known Member
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                              A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
                              "What are you doing!?!" she exclaimed.
                              The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
                              Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
                              "What are you doing!?!" he exclaimed.
                              The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
                              A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
                              Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television, with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
                              "What are you doing?" she asked in shock. He replied, "What's it look like? I'm watching the game with my son-in-law."
                               
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                              • deuce

                                deuce Mentally Challenged
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                                An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”
                                “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

                                “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

                                The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

                                She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.


                                The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Done! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"
                                 
                                • Alumni Guy

                                  Alumni Guy Newbie
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                                  Patty Mac is getting hammered at his favorite Pub, O’Mallys in Dublin. He’s getting so drunk, the bartender cuts him off and tells him to go home.

                                  Patty tries to get off his bar stool but falls flat on his face. He tries to stand, but he’s just too drunk.

                                  He crawls to the door in an attempt to pick himself up, but just can’t get his legs under him.

                                  fortunately, he lives a few doors down and he crawls all the way home. When he gets inside, he’s too drunk to climb into bed, so he passes out on the floor.

                                  The next morning, Patty is woken up by his wife. She screams at him, “Ya got drunk at O’mallys again didn’t ya.”

                                  patty, shaking off a helluva hangover says, “Aye, I did. How did ya know?”

                                  O’mally’s called: You left your wheelchair there again.
                                   
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                                  • Loogis

                                    Loogis Gettin’ after it
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                                    A guy with a black eye gets on an airplane and sits down with another guy with a black eye.
                                    “Hey you got a black eye too! What happened?”
                                    The guy says, “well it was just a slip of the tongue. The lady at the ticket counter had these huge boobs, and when I asked for two tickets to Pittsburgh it came out ‘can I have two pickets to Tittsburgh?’ So she punched me.”
                                    “No kidding?” The man replied, “same thing happened to me, a slip of the tongue. This morning at the breakfast table with my wife, instead of asking ‘will you please pass the Cheerios?’ it came out, ‘you ruined my life you f*ckin b!tch.’”
                                     
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                                    • deuce

                                      deuce Mentally Challenged
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                                      Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
                                      They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
                                      The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
                                      She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
                                      The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
                                      After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."
                                      The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
                                      The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."
                                       
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                                      • AuggieDosta

                                        AuggieDosta I Don't Re Member
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                                        The bartender says, "we don't serve time travelers in here!"

                                        A time traveler walks into a bar.
                                         
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                                        • Treebeard

                                          Treebeard Oops, just stepped on a Lorax.
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                                          [​IMG]
                                           
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