The New joke thread

Treebeard

Oops, just stepped on a Lorax.
Lifetime Member
Dec 23, 2015
4,982
26,027
139256911_3820036518017822_3808291473611604411_o.jpg
 

Turk182

Founding Member
Just don't care anymore
Jun 14, 2014
1,290
663
Founding Member
89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife.
 

Turk182

Founding Member
Just don't care anymore
Jun 14, 2014
1,290
663
Founding Member
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?
These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
 

wrpgator

Well-Known Member
Lifetime Member
Sep 6, 2019
8,662
27,454
A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside...

"GET TREATMENT FOR $20...

IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100."

A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn a quick $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene!"

Chinese: "Congrats! Your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene! You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats! You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later, determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak - I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $1, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20."
 

B52G8rAC

SAC Trained Warrior
Lifetime Member
Feb 15, 2016
5,877
11,030
Back in the days of deployments to South Vietnam, the troops were continually warned about various diseases one could contract from the local talent. Failing to heed those warnings, a young Marine noticed the pride of his nether region to be swollen and colored like a neon rainbow. Not wanting to have such an thing on his medical record, he went to the local medical practitioner in much pain and pleaded for the doc to help him. The doc examined the engorged and obviously painful member then told the Marine there was nothing to worry about. Obviously relieved, the Marine asked, "how are you going to treat me doc?" The doc said, "Oh, no treatment, wait one, two days max and thing will fall off on own."
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Help Users

You haven't joined any rooms.

    Birthdays

    Members online

    Forum statistics

    Threads
    31,619
    Messages
    1,613,022
    Members
    1,642
    Latest member
    fishermb