BREAKING: Will Muschamp's job posted

[Phineus Maximus]

This thread is gold.

 

[PaulDrake]

Actually, the name of the thread should be "Breaking: Will Muschamp still has a job at Florida."

 

[Zambo]

I read an interesting story a few days ago about how NASA was doing some tests where they put people into a deep sleep for over a week at a time. I'd like to take this opportunity to ask GatorJ what it was like.

 

[TheDouglas78]

I produced a lot of traffic that day. There were at least 3 different threads started just to complain about my merging of said threads. I was the hero of the day.

awkwardly he is correct

 

[GatorJ]

And for good reason. Last time you tried the heavy lifting you nearly destroyed the forum trying to merge every thread into one.

 

[GatorJ]

I read an interesting story a few days ago about how NASA was doing some tests where they put people into a deep sleep for over a week at a time. I'd like to take this opportunity to ask GatorJ what it was like.

Restful.

 

[WillGetIn]

I replied to that Craigslist AD...

Hi, I am interested in the position you have listed for the head coaching vacancy at the University of Florida.

I will address each of your qualifications to show you that I would be a great hire for UF!

- I have head coaching experience. I have been a football head coach for 9 seasons here at the YMCA. 1) My teams have won consistently. Over the nine seasons, I have only had one losing season! 2) In 30 years, I have never had a position that I have left in less than 7 years, mostly in the fast food industry. 3) During my 9 seasons as a head coach, I have had only one instance where a player cried due to my actions or words. That one player was forced to play by his parents and I told him he was good enough to play and he needed to get out there and help his team! He broke down in tears and went in, played on D for one play, intercepted the ball and ran it back for a touchdown. 3-1) I only yell at players and refs to give them encouragement for a great play, or a job well done! 3-2) My wife tells me that I have the face of an angel, and as such, there's no way it can contort into evil... 3-3) My mother taught me to build up, or hush up. So I carry that into my coaching philosophy. 3-4) We want our younger players to develop into better players, and the primary way to do that is to get them some reps in a real game. Newtimers are going to make mistakes. However, the other team will always make a mistake as well, so you want to minimize your, and exploit theirs.
​- I feel confident that I can win the big games. Currently I have a 24-5 record against our rivals.
- Against cupcakes, we are undefeated. Although one did hit the ground and the team mascot (my dog) ate it.
- With the brand of football we play, I have no doubt that we could pack the swamp as easily as we pack the 30 person stands next to field #7.
- We believe that you learn by repetition, history, and having fun while doing it. That fits right in with the UF's traditions and Alma Mater. I have been around UF and their sports for over 40 years.
- I am a Win First coach. I am as adept at coaching offense as I am defense. I can't torpedo either coordinators position as they are both me.
- All of the parents of kids on my team always appreciate the after game pressers. They take what I say and go home and work with the kids on it. Well, most do.
- My son has been my QB, and while he has not been perfect, he does know my schemes and does give me the best chance to win. He is not colorblind, although he has on occasion, thrown a pick. He has never had more than a couple for the whole season.
- I have not attended or graduated from one of UF's rivals.
- I have a clean bill of health. As a matter of fact, I recently setup life insurance of over $500k for myself. I had to endure a physical the likes of which I don't wish on anyone, except for Will Muschamp and Jeff Driskel... I passed with flying colors and fell into the best classification rates.
- If there is one weakness I have, it is that I cannot control my wifes mouth. I have tried, but it just hasn't happened. The sex is great, so I don't want to keep her mad at me. If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy...
- My last name is not Zook, it is not Spurrier. I have my own unique last name, although 13.6 million other Americans share it. If you would like to have me fill out an application, I will gladly provide proof that I am not Zook, Muschamp, or Driskel.

Thank you for your consideration of my credentials, and if you'd like to talk about the position, let me know.