Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (2012) <Netflix>
Ok, any of us old film lovers recall the
Ray Harryhousen film of 1961, this is not even close. Apparently, there have been a few other remakes of the Jules Verne classic, both in feature films and some series, none of much merit (my heart remains with the 1961 version). Let's start with the title "Journey 2:", which, to my knowledge there is no "Journey 1" this was simply a ploy to get a title that flows close to the original and gives the false perception that this is a sequel and you somehow missed out on the original...not so fast, my friend.
In this version, we start off focused on The Rock portraying a step father to a teen ager named Sean (Josh Hutcherson - you'll recognize his face, but likely can't name any other role he's been in, don't worry about it). The plot revolves around Sean getting a ham radio coded message and trying to break the code. Lucky for Sean his step-dad is ex-Navy and helps decode it (and get a submariine working, how convinient....oh, and currently he runs a construction company which helps when he notices the sand on the island is getting watery, pure coincidence), revealing it to be a message of "The island is real" and some other stuff which inspires Sean that he MUST go there :eyeroll: Rock says no, then rethinks and says yes, convincing mom that the two of them can afford to fly to nowhere in the South Pacific to prove there is no island, a chance to build the bond as they explore and get disappointed together and he can keep Sean safe. We get to the island, need a boat, and nobody is willing to go to the coordinates as it is a constant storm center...except Gabato (Luiz Guzman, you'll know him) and his teen daughter, Kailani (Vanessa Hutchens) in their helicopter. Skip ahead a bit, we find the island, and the message sender is ... Sean's missing grandfather :eyeroll: Bonus, we get Michael Caine with a pot belly as the grandfather throwing shade on the Rock for not being his grandson's real dad. Oh, and it turns out the island they are on is actually Atlantis, complete with Captain Nemo's ship still there if they can get to it before the island sinks back in the ocean for another 140y :eyeroll: Yes, I'm giving all the damn spoilers right here - you will not have to see this film, nor should you. Shame on you if you do watch it after reading this.
Basically, we have the Rock performing at 40% Jumanji level, Guzman perfoming at 30% of whatever supporting role he ever gets in anything, Caine is ok although annoying but even he can't save the film. For females, Kailani is hot for an older teen and she does get a wet t-shirt for a bit, but this is a Disney-lite kinda film, you're getting nothing sexual. Action is kinda lame, best bit is some CGI for large animals being small and small animals being large, but other than a chase scene involving riding giant bees away from birds...lame. Writing is weak, both for plot and dialogue...actually, worse than weak for plot as there are more holes than you'd find on a sinking island. Such utter crap. I watch bad movies, just to see how bad they can be...I expected better and got worse than average.
Final rating 4/10. Don't see this with the kids, for a date, or even if you are passed out drunk on your own. Do not watch.