Magnesium Citrate Laxitive...... Liquid Death!

[Jake from State Farm]

Dan Striker Hill

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...

12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a pussy in front of your friends & family.

It's suppose to be lemon flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything lemon in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted **** in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.

Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The chit/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

Is that blood?

False alarm.

That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your azzhole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid chiot fart as it gurgled out of your ass.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have chit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your azzhole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheetos and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.

You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.

You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours.

You're broken.

Your azzhole's broken.

Your spirit's broken.

Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a chit stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.

 

[Theologator]

Must read...


https://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article1928847.html

 

[bradgator2]

So.... a normal Tuesday?

 

[GatorFL]

My PCP said it's time for a colonoscopy. I guess I'll be living this soon.

 

[Treebeard]

Happy 50th birthday!

My PCP said it's time for a colonoscopy. I guess I'll be living this soon.

 

[GatorFL]

Happy 50th birthday!

Thanks, I turn 50 in April. I'm due for an endoscopy so he said they could do both ends.

 

[AuggieDosta]

The prep is the worst. The actual event goes by without fanfare.

Remember to wake quickly and attempt to be lucid ASAP because the sight and sound of your attending physician buckling his belt and zipping his pants is something that races through your brain on the ride home.

Passing along knowledge from a friend.

 

[stephenPE]

I beg to only drink that little bottle of shttt. I have had 4 colonosopies and they demand I drink the entire gallon of salt water each time.
Apparently , only the dainty have to drink that soda bottle of nothingness. BTW the results are the same when you drink a gallon of saltwater
in an hour or so.............

that "flavor" pack is useless...............

 

[GatorFL]

The prep is the worst. The actual event goes by without fanfare.

Remember to wake quickly and attempt to be lucid ASAP because the sight and sound of your attending physician buckling his belt and zipping his pants is something that races through your brain on the ride home.

Passing along knowledge from a friend.

My gastro is a beautiful black lady.

 

[Gator515151]

They have this new procedure called cologuard where you simply crap in a box and Fedex it in. I thought seriously about readdressing the box to the US Congress but didn't know the address.

 

[GatorFL]

They have this new procedure called cologuard where you simply crap in a box and Fedex it in. I thought seriously about readdressing the box to the US Congress but didn't know the address.

Congressman Alcee Hastings
2353 Rayburn HOB
Washington, DC 20515

 

[Theologator]

When I awoke from mine I was face to face with a very beautiful nurse. I looked her straight in the eyes and said, “You are so beautiful.” She smiled. My wife smiled.

 

[Gator515151]

When I awoke from mine I was face to face with a very beautiful nurse. I looked her straight in the eyes and said, “You are so beautiful.” She smiled. My wife smiled.

Funny because the last one I had just before they put me asleep the nurse warned me to be careful because the anesthesia they used was the same thing the CIA used to use as truth serum. I know she set me up because I immediately started thinking of all the things I wouldn't want anybody to know in my life. Then I woke up to a room full of nurses laughing their asses off.

 

[G8trwood]

Epic post,

just scheduled my 60 camera inspection. I always get Mexican on the way home, it seems fitting.

 

[deuce]

Epic post,

just scheduled my 60 camera inspection. I always get Mexican on the way home, it seems fitting.

Can't beat that Taco Bell!

 

[Gator By Marriage]

Congressman Alcee Hastings
2353 Rayburn HOB
Washington, DC 20515

America; a first world country where a federal judge can be impeached and removed for taking bribes and later get elected to Congress.

 

[GatorFL]

America; a first world country where a federal judge can be impeached and removed for taking bribes and later get elected to Congress.

A few years ago I was in DC on business. Brought the wife, we made a long weekend out of it. For something different we reached out to a lobbyist who put in a call to Hastings' office since he's our Congressman. We got hooked up with the Congressional tour. We flew in, checked in to the hotel in Georgetown and taxied over to Rayburn and went to his office. A staffer was designated to take us on the tour, which was really cool, but more on that in a second.

His office was nice, typical Congressional plush. And it was staffed with a bevy of 21-28 year old very attractive young ladies. I didn't see anybody working in there that did not fit that mold. Not one male and no girl under 30. Our tour guide was one of these, she was a perfect 10. She seemed to relish giving the tour.

We went into the tunnels, came up in the Capitol, and she showed us around. We saw it all, including the Speaker's office (it was Pelosi at the time). It was sort of lunchtime, she ended up eating lunch with us in one of the cafeterias, which was damn good for how little it cost.

I wasn't surprised in the least a year or so later when the sexual harassment payouts made the news. The old horndog stocked his office with prey. So, bribes and impeachment are the least of his indiscretions. He pretty much needs to die to leave office. Can't wait.

 

[Wingtee]

Dan Striker Hill

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...

12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a pussy in front of your friends & family.

It's suppose to be lemon flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything lemon in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted **** in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.

Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The chit/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

Is that blood?

False alarm.

That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your azzhole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid chiot fart as it gurgled out of your ass.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have chit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your azzhole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheetos and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.

You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.

You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours.

You're broken.

Your azzhole's broken.

Your spirit's broken.

Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a chit stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.

Classic ! Are u the guy who posted about your farting in Home Depot where they escorted you out of there. Thx for the laughs

 

[Gator515151]

This thread ain't funny. I just got over a 2 year bout with chronic diarrhea. I pooped 5 or 6 times a day until it was nothing but water. Turns out when my Dr diagnosed me as diabetic and put me on metformin that was the problem. 2 weeks ago Doc took me off metformin and I haven't had a problem since. My passion is long distance hiking and diarrhea has kept me off the trail. Hopefully this spring I will be able to hit the AT without worrying about crapping my pants on the trail.