Military Pension/Social Security/Inheritance/Long Lost Grandmother

[Gator By Marriage]

It's what I would do but I'm probably over generous at times especially when I feel blessed with unexpected abundance....Maybe the dad saw that his son was much further ahead in life than his daughter.
In the case of my Mothers estate she has made years worth of mortgage payments, taxes and other expenses for the 3 of my older sisters, buys their groceries, paid off gobs of their CC debt while 2 of them have barely worked in the last 20 years and the oldest has a 48 yo POS leech of a son who hasn't worked in over 15 years but lays around her house with his fat ass GF who he's now had 3 kids with all living in her house. I have never taken a dime from my parents other than a $1,000 wedding gift in 1990....

My brother and I are in agreement that we wish there was some kind of ledger where we could take that amount of money out of their share and tell them to pound sand....if only.

Not that my kids are remotely like your siblings, but Mrs G actually does keep a ledger of every loan, large purchase, etc. I not only have no clue what the balance is vis-a-vis one kid over the other, I have no idea where said ledger is. She better out live me.

 

[bradgator2]

Not that my kids are remotely like your siblings, but Mrs G actually does keep a ledger of every loan, large purchase, etc. I not only have no clue what the balance is vis-a-vis one kid over the other, I have no idea where said ledger is. She better out live me.

I hope the kids never find it.

My dad did this, but only for me and not my sister. Looks like starting from high school to the end of college. All total, he tracked roughly $10,000 that he spent on me during those 10 years. Since I entered grad school, I have never taken a dime from my parents. So it only leaves unanswered questions... and none of them are good or pleasant to even wonder about.

 

[bradgator2]

If Brad is ok with the decision his dad made then it isn't mine or your business to criticize. If he isn't ok with it then he can take it to court to try and get satisfaction if he can't work it out with his sister directly. However, since he stated, "I am not going to waste another second thinking about it." then I'm gonna go with he is willing to let it go.

I try to live my life by only worrying about things that are (sorta) in my control.

No, I am not OK that my dad made that decision in his will. But no amount of brain power or energy will ever give me the answer as to why he did it.

My sister was really worried about telling me. We have always been close and this is the exact sort of thing that causes problems. And at this point, it's really only her and me left. So when she told me, I didnt really know what to say. But no negative thought was directly at her because this isnt her fault. She said she'll do whatever it takes to make it right. But I have long given up having expectations that other people would do how I would do it. So it's out of my control and not for me decide. And that's why I wont waste another second thinking about it.

In the moment, I offered her only one suggestion and I wont offer another one. I told her, "If this upsets you and you were worried about tell me, then something inside you is telling you it isnt right. But there is a solution that removes both you and me from the equation: sell the house and 2 cars and split it all equally between the 5 kids." (she has 3 and have 2)

So unless she talks to me about it, I wont say another word.

 

[Gator By Marriage]

I hope the kids never find it.

My dad did this, but only for me and not my sister. Looks like starting from high school to the end of college. All total, he tracked roughly $10,000 that he spent on me during those 10 years. Since I entered grad school, I have never taken a dime from my parents. So it only leaves unanswered questions... and none of them are good or pleasant to even wonder about.

It's not their nature to even look for it - and if she did it by hand they'd be screwed trying to find it because no one can read her handwriting. (We have a running joke in the family about her grocery lists.) Unlike your Pop, she would never include anything attached to schooling other than something like a spring break trip where they needed "supplemental funding." I suspect when they are truly off on their own, she'll just write a check to whoever is behind the other one and call it a day.

As for your situation, I think you are correct to just leave it all in the past.

 

[bradgator2]

It's not their nature to even look for it - and if she did it by hand they'd be screwed trying to find it because no one can read her handwriting. (We have a running joke in the family about her grocery lists.) Unlike your Pop, she would never include anything attached to schooling other than something like a spring break trip where they needed "supplemental funding." I suspect when they are truly off on their own, she'll just write a check to whoever is behind the other one and call it a day.

As for your situation, I think you are correct to just leave it all in the past.

Well, I can assure you we were not looking for it. We didnt even know anything like that existed. But it sure made it really fuching weird when we found it. Just tell your wife to burn it when she it done with it. Nothing good can come of it if your kids find it.

 

[TLB]

My grandfather kept a ledger on my education, presented me with it when I graduated colledge. He'd dropped about $12k on me between SFCC+ClevelandState+UF undergrad over 5-6y. He kept a separate one for my sister that was about $26k for LSU undergrad (lost her scholarship and nearly got kicked from school for partying; she was only a few years behind me so it isn't like costs went up but I suppose I didn't really face out-of-state tuition). In both cases, it was covering tuition, books, room, and incedentals anytime we asked for something. He wanted us to know what our education had cost, so we would value it.

Upon his death (mammaw had passed away years earlier) his estate passed to his only child, my dad, with the expectation that the ~$400k would ensure full college costs for all grandkids (my two, my sister's two).

Since I entered grad school, I have never taken a dime from my parents.

I was a bit bitter on how much was spent on my sister over the years, beyond that ledger - she always seemed to be in need. I resolved to never ask anyone for anything after undergrad, and for the most part that's held true. Tho, in HS and undergrad I was known to ask for a few hundred here or there from my mom - at one point she said 'No' and her boyfriend at the time offered to give me some and she informed him "He is just looking for a handout". Guilty as charged, I declined his offer and went back to self sustaining endeavors, never asked again.

But I have long given up having expectations that other people would do how I would do it. So it's out of my control and not for me decide. And that's why I wont waste another second thinking about it.

My father has historically looked out for himself first and foremost - I've accepted that's just who he is. Dad took his inheritance, remarried, and clarified for my sister and I that while Pappaw intended that money to cover our kids education, it would be spent first on any medical or late age needs him and his new wife faced as they retired. IF there was any left, it'd be made available for grandkid's college. Again, it's who he is, so I've been planning my kids college without any expectations placed on him.

He would talk a lot over the years about what he'd want to do for us....and never do it. I got used to it. But I'll give him credit in that when I was absolutely in a position of need (first home purchase, for example) he'd come thru. But otherwise I never asked, not even about his wishes/wants/desires about helping us that didn't materialize. If I said I needed a kidney, he'd probably kidnap someone and take theirs in a back alley for me, but other than a real need I never ask and he never delivers.

Tho, in hindsight this is also a reflection of our family dynamic. Pappaw+Dad+Sis+Me lived in a 5mi radius for a few years, and we wouldn't talk more than once a month or so. We all were very independent (other than my needy sister always getting handouts). Yes, I'm very bitter, over this and a myriad of things that aren't worth ruminating on.

 

[Gator By Marriage]

Well, I can assure you we were not looking for it. We didnt even know anything like that existed. But it sure made it really fuching weird when we found it. Just tell your wife to burn it when she it done with it. Nothing good can come of it if your kids find it.

Most definitely.

When you combine having twins with her anal retentiveness, she has always tried so hard to balance out everything they've gotten their whole lives - often to the point of ridiculousness, like at Christmas - that I doubt they would be the least bit surprised.

 

[Nalt]

I try to live my life by only worrying about things that are (sorta) in my control.

No, I am not OK that my dad made that decision in his will. But no amount of brain power or energy will ever give me the answer as to why he did it.

My sister was really worried about telling me. We have always been close and this is the exact sort of thing that causes problems. And at this point, it's really only her and me left. So when she told me, I didnt really know what to say. But no negative thought was directly at her because this isnt her fault. She said she'll do whatever it takes to make it right. But I have long given up having expectations that other people would do how I would do it. So it's out of my control and not for me decide. And that's why I wont waste another second thinking about it.

In the moment, I offered her only one suggestion and I wont offer another one. I told her, "If this upsets you and you were worried about tell me, then something inside you is telling you it isnt right. But there is a solution that removes both you and me from the equation: sell the house and 2 cars and split it all equally between the 5 kids." (she has 3 and have 2)

So unless she talks to me about it, I wont say another word.

You've expressed the exact perspective that I thought you would. That is commendable of you.

 

[bradgator2]

My grandfather kept a ledger on my education, presented me with it when I graduated colledge. He'd dropped about $12k on me between SFCC+ClevelandState+UF undergrad over 5-6y. He kept a separate one for my sister that was about $26k for LSU undergrad (lost her scholarship and nearly got kicked from school for partying; she was only a few years behind me so it isn't like costs went up but I suppose I didn't really face out-of-state tuition). In both cases, it was covering tuition, books, room, and incedentals anytime we asked for something. He wanted us to know what our education had cost, so we would value it.

Upon his death (mammaw had passed away years earlier) his estate passed to his only child, my dad, with the expectation that the ~$400k would ensure full college costs for all grandkids (my two, my sister's two).



I was a bit bitter on how much was spent on my sister over the years, beyond that ledger - she always seemed to be in need. I resolved to never ask anyone for anything after undergrad, and for the most part that's held true. Tho, in HS and undergrad I was known to ask for a few hundred here or there from my mom - at one point she said 'No' and her boyfriend at the time offered to give me some and she informed him "He is just looking for a handout". Guilty as charged, I declined his offer and went back to self sustaining endeavors, never asked again.



My father has historically looked out for himself first and foremost - I've accepted that's just who he is. Dad took his inheritance, remarried, and clarified for my sister and I that while Pappaw intended that money to cover our kids education, it would be spent first on any medical or late age needs him and his new wife faced as they retired. IF there was any left, it'd be made available for grandkid's college. Again, it's who he is, so I've been planning my kids college without any expectations placed on him.

He would talk a lot over the years about what he'd want to do for us....and never do it. I got used to it. But I'll give him credit in that when I was absolutely in a position of need (first home purchase, for example) he'd come thru. But otherwise I never asked, not even about his wishes/wants/desires about helping us that didn't materialize. If I said I needed a kidney, he'd probably kidnap someone and take theirs in a back alley for me, but other than a real need I never ask and he never delivers.

Tho, in hindsight this is also a reflection of our family dynamic. Pappaw+Dad+Sis+Me lived in a 5mi radius for a few years, and we wouldn't talk more than once a month or so. We all were very independent (other than my needy sister always getting handouts). Yes, I'm very bitter, over this and a myriad of things that aren't worth ruminating on.

Aren't families fun!!

Like you, I have to attempted to analyze everything (and it causes many sleepless night). But more importantly... vow not to make the same "mistakes". But of course, I am sure my kids will eventually say the same thing about me.

 

[TLB]

Aren't families fun!!

Like you, I have to attempted to analyze everything (and it causes many sleepless night). But more importantly... vow not to make the same "mistakes". But of course, I am sure my kids will eventually say the same thing about me.

Mom keeps a mental ledger and plays fair to all, but none of us know the details and just accept it as whatever she wants to do.

You and I both try to learn from others and not repeat things, but I go a step futher than you in that I intentionally do things to make my kids ask wtf at a later date (minor stuff = keeping tickets to every movie, fair, plane ride, etc ). For things that matter - finances, dealing with people, etc - yeah, live, learn, teach the next generation.

 

[bradgator2]

Mom keeps a mental ledger and plays fair to all, but none of us know the details and just accept it as whatever she wants to do.

You and I both try to learn from others and not repeat things, but I go a step futher than you in that I intentionally do things to make my kids ask wtf at a later date (minor stuff = keeping tickets to every movie, fair, plane ride, etc ). For things that matter - finances, dealing with people, etc - yeah, live, learn, teach the next generation.

Oh man, that is hilariously brilliant and twisted. I love it!

I got a weird one for you. Unfortunately, I am not making this one up. My dad kept a ledger of every time I called. But nothing about the call. Just the date, exact time I called and exact time the call ended. No other details. And once again, only from me and not my sister. Shoot... you could completely make it up and nobody would ever know.

Trust me.... that'll fuch them up pretty good.

 

[bradgator2]

From now on, whenever my kids do anything meaningful.... good or bad.... I tell them that I am putting it my journal

 

[Concrete Helmet]

In the moment, I offered her only one suggestion and I wont offer another one. I told her, "If this upsets you and you were worried about tell me, then something inside you is telling you it isnt right. But there is a solution that removes both you and me from the equation: sell the house and 2 cars and split it all equally between the 5 kids." (she has 3 and have 2)

So unless she talks to me about it, I wont say another word.

Atta Boy....lay that guilt trip on heavy...

 

[LagoonGator68]

I try to live my life by only worrying about things that are (sorta) in my control.

No, I am not OK that my dad made that decision in his will. But no amount of brain power or energy will ever give me the answer as to why he did it.

My sister was really worried about telling me. We have always been close and this is the exact sort of thing that causes problems. And at this point, it's really only her and me left. So when she told me, I didnt really know what to say. But no negative thought was directly at her because this isnt her fault. She said she'll do whatever it takes to make it right. But I have long given up having expectations that other people would do how I would do it. So it's out of my control and not for me decide. And that's why I wont waste another second thinking about it.

In the moment, I offered her only one suggestion and I wont offer another one. I told her, "If this upsets you and you were worried about tell me, then something inside you is telling you it isnt right. But there is a solution that removes both you and me from the equation: sell the house and 2 cars and split it all equally between the 5 kids." (she has 3 and have 2)

So unless she talks to me about it, I wont say another word.

She is a girl, you’re not.
She has one extra kid to raise.
You have a cushy, good job in a good field with a marketable Masters degree.
Is her marriage stable and with a good income?
Inheritance is not marital property in Florida if not commingled, ever.

Your phone calls were obviously important to him as he kept track of them. I’m sure he wished you had called more often, but he didn’t want to say it.
He is a man and a Master Chief. Cut him and yourself some slack.

 

[bradgator2]

She is a girl, you’re not.
She has one extra kid to raise.
You have a cushy, good job in a good field with a marketable Masters degree.
Is her marriage stable and with a good income?
Inheritance is not marital property in Florida if not commingled, ever.

Your phone calls were obviously important to him as he kept track of them. I’m sure he wished you had called more often, but he didn’t want to say it.
He is a man and a Master Chief. Cut him and yourself some slack.

She is a girl, you're not. I really dont know where you are going with this. Something about a father/daughter or father/son relationship?

Regarding her kids, marriage job, etc. My sister and her family are pretty amazing. Her and her husband have incredible jobs and make some extraordinary money. (Way more than me) She's an executive at a major bank, he's an orthopedic sales rep. All 3 kids are as good as kids as anyone could ever hope for.

Regarding cutting him some slack.... Have I been hard on him or disparaged him in anyway during this thread? I dont think I have said a single negative thing about him. Except that finding some of these log/journals (of only me) have been difficult to process for everyone involved.

 

[Detroitgator]

She is a girl, you're not. I really dont know where you are going with this. Something about a father/daughter or father/son relationship?

Regarding her kids, marriage job, etc. My sister and her family are pretty amazing. Her and her husband have incredible jobs and make some extraordinary money. (Way more than me) She's an executive at a major bank, he's an orthopedic sales rep. All 3 kids are as good as kids as anyone could ever hope for.

Regarding cutting him some slack.... Have I been hard on him or disparaged him in anyway during this thread? I dont think I have said a single negative thing about him. Except that finding some of these log/journals (of only me) have been difficult to process for everyone involved.

I find that listening to Nickelback helps me process difficult things... they have a way of simplifying things.

 

[Bernardo de la Paz]

I find that listening to Nickelback helps me process difficult things... they have a way of simplifying things.

I guess we all need to listen to some Nickelback today

 

[oxrageous]

I've managed to avoid any of these kinds of problems as neither my late grandparents had nor my parents have any money at all to speak of. If I got $500 after my parents passed I'd be pleasantly surprised. Certainly makes things simpler.

If my parents HAD money, they never would have tracked expenditures in any kind of journal. Ever.

 

[Altitude Gator]

I've managed to avoid any of these kinds of problems as neither my late grandparents had nor my parents have any money at all to speak of. If I got $500 after my parents passed I'd be pleasantly surprised. Certainly makes things simpler.

If my parents HAD money, they never would have tracked expenditures in any kind of journal. Ever.

Same boat. My grandparents were not financially irresponsible, but they died with very little.

My dad was financially irresponsible and died with very little. My mom is not as irresponsible, but never put away anything. She now works about a week a month to pay the bills with her SSOAP, so she won't be leaving much either.

 

[Concrete Helmet]

If my parents HAD money, they never would have tracked expenditures in any kind of journal. Ever.

Some people might feel differently if they watched 3 grown ass siblings of theirs waltz into their parents' house on a continuous basis for 30-40 years with their hands out to pay for their stupidity, bad habits and laziness....I've already begun a mental one in my head which I remind my son of all the time