Presidential Beatdown Corona Crush!

[BNAG8R]

ROUND #1 RESULT: TRUMP -VS- LINCOLN

This is the battle that many have been waiting for patiently. One of history’s most revered presidents vs one of the most hated. Lincoln at his peak physical condition is tall, gangly, but clearly “farm strong”. Trump is fit, with a big frame that can clearly hold a lot more weight in the future.

This battle starts out slowly, each fighter measuring the other. It is clear that Trump has been well coached, avoiding situations where Abe’s wrestling prowess can be used. Most of round 1 involved jabs, with a few good body blows in the clinch by Abe to Trumps midsection. Trump looks uncomfortable in the corner - Abe relaxed at the end of Round 1.

Round 2 starts with a flurry, as Trump has clearly decided that he can’t go the distance against the more fit Lincoln, and he begins to fight with reckless abandon, surprising Lincoln. One thing is clear - Trump is willing to fight dirty, and Lincoln is taken aback by that, with his midwestern sense of fair play. During a brief grapple, Trump heel-stomps Lincoln’s foot, causing tremendous pain and puts Lincoln on the defensive.

Trump senses the time is now. Attacking Lincoln with everything he’s got, Trump kicks, scratches, claws, swinging wildly while Abe takes blow after blow, blocking many, but some finding their mark. Trump seems to tire a bit, but ever the bully, keeps up the pace as best as he can and then...

Lincoln takes a solid shot to the side of his head, and...


LINCOLN GOES DOWN! LINCOLN GOES DOWN!!!.....

 

[URGatorBait]

 

[BNAG8R]

.....BUT WAIT!!! Before the referee counts Lincoln out, he somehow miraculously survives the shot to the head, and rises up in a fit of rage!!!

Trump, who was celebrating his “victory” at the side of the ring, turns, and sees Lincoln, blood streaming down the side of his face, and grimaces. Like a cat, Lincoln lunges across the ring and starts raining down blow after blow with his huge ham-hands, and Trump, trying desperately to protect himself, finally slumps to the floor, and cries “No Mas! No Mas!”

LINCOLN WINS! LINCOLN WINS!

 

[Captain Sasquatch]

Boom goes the dynamite!

 

[crosscreekcooter]

.....BUT WAIT!!! Before the referee counts Lincoln out, he somehow miraculously survives the shot to the head, and rises up in a fit of rage!!!

History has proven Lincoln couldn't take a shot to the head.

 

[Durty South Swamp]

History has proven Lincoln couldn't take a shot to the head.

oh man, i laughed out loud at that... i feel terrible

 

[BNAG8R]

History has proven Lincoln couldn't take a shot to the head.

I chose my words carefully . He DID however, survive the shot, and went on to live another day. Poetic, no?

 

[Durty South Swamp]

I chose my words carefully . He DID however, survive the shot, and went on to live another day. Poetic, no?

emphasis being on another "day" singular

 

[5-Star Finger]

History has proven Lincoln couldn't take a shot to the head.

Too soon. Too soon...

 

[BNAG8R]

ROUND #1 RESULT: REAGAN -VS- PIERCE

In a battle of 4 seed vs 5 seed, on paper this looks like an evenly matched bout. Reagan has the advantage in height, reach, and weight, and was well known as a fitness nut. Pierce was a lawyer (blech), who then became a general and fought in the Mexican-American war. However....he was in his mid-40s at the time, well past his physical peak, and so his military experience might have come too late.

Early in the first round, Reagan uses his length to pop jabs at Pierce, connecting often. Pierce struggles, and tries to take the fight inside to eliminate Reagan’s reach advantage. Reagan was clearly ready for this.

Reagan takes the fight to the ground, taking advantage of his leverage to hit Pierce with right, after right, after right. Pierce is overcome, as Reagan’s stamina is just too much....and Pierce taps out.

REAGAN WINS!

 

[GatorJ]

@5-Star Finger , while your reviews are intriguing, you have a mistaken understand of your role here.

I, and I alone, will be calling the outcome of the fights, based on the arguments, debates, and insights provided in this thread and in the chatbox...together with my own biases and need for self-amusement. Your job is to provide that insight - your own hopes, fears, uncertainties, doubts, and anecdotes as to why you believe one fighter will win.

What I don’t need is some yahoo telling better stories than me, undermining both my authority, and my will to live.

Know your place, buddy.

 

[Durty South Swamp]

sheesh. slevin is such a snowflake

 

[Captain Sasquatch]

Red Hatters reading the Trump/Lincoln fight recap like:

 

[GatorBart]

Lincoln vs. Trump

This is a YUGE match. The greatest president ever versus Abraham Lincoln. Trump takes a lead bigly in the prematch Trask talk; intimating that Lincoln’s own wife paid to have him assassinated. At a chiseled 175 lbs “The Great Emancipator” frees the blood from Donnie’s southern lip almost immediately after the opening bell. In an assault that would make Sherman blush, Abe shows his dedication to preserving the union of his fist to Trump’s body; smothering him with punches. Sputtering with rage , 45 fires his manager halfway through the fight. He hires a tag team of General Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis and Vince McMahon. Mattis tells Trump to use his weight advantage and take the fight to the ground. Lincoln is no slouch in the grapple, but Trump isn’t one of the Clary’s Grove boys. Abe’s got skill; but in this case he’s out of his weight class. Rushing him early, The Donald takes Abe down and pounds him like Fort Sumter. After a savage beating, Lincoln manages to scurry away like Irvin McDowell trying to cross Bull Run. Regaining composure, Lincoln wisely decides to keep his distance and try to catch Trump lunging. Suddenly, from the first row a starting pistol is fired by Triple-H, who McMahon put up to the distraction. An obviously startled and distraught Lincoln wheels around trying to find the shooter, allowing McMahon to slide Trump a steel chair, which he uses to split the back of Abe’s head like a rail. Trump makes death matches great again. Trump to round three.

Fake news!!

 

[BNAG8R]

ROUND #1 RESULT: GRANT -VS- POLK

Grant was a West Point graduate, and by all indications a badass. Polk...still ball-less.

Grant beat the hell out of him and it was over in 30 seconds.


GRANT WINS!

 

[BNAG8R]

MONROE -VS- QUINCY ADAMS

While coming out of the Play-in round fresh off of a victory, Quincy entered confident. However, one of the less-appreciated founding fathers, Monroe was actually a badass in his own right. Farm boy and carpenter, he entered the revolutionary war in his late teens, and went on to lead a surprise raid on Hessians (badasses in their own right) and sacked them.

Quincy was still a lawyering weenie, at his best.

Like Grants pummeling, this one barely lasted a minute as Monroe beat the hell out of the son of his friend, John Adams. It had to be done.

MONROE WINS!

 

[Captain Sasquatch]

Alright, the Sweet 16 in the Lincoln Region is set!

 

[Durty South Swamp]

Red Hatters reading the Trump/Lincoln fight recap like:

Really? Lincoln was a repub you know

 

[Captain Sasquatch]

Really? Lincoln was a repub you know

Yeah, cause political party was the issue.

 

[GatorJ]

Yeah, cause political party was the issue.