Story Time

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by cover2, Jan 3, 2019.

  1. Gatorbait25

    Gatorbait25 H.E. Pennypacker, wealthy American industrialist

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2014
    Messages:
    1,231
    Oxbucks:
    $1,480
    Ratings:
    +1,053 / -30
    Roughly five years ago my parents hosted a Kentucky derby party for friends and neighbors to attend. I can't recall
    the exact year, but I do recall a horse named I'll have another was in the race. The name stuck with me because i had
    much to drink on this derby day. It was a lovely spring afternoon. Upon arriving at my parents home I ventured out
    to the back deck to grab a brew with my father. He was with several friends and neighbors, some of which played on
    his tennis team. One of them is a short, pudgy balding man named Vic. The man moved surprisingly well on the tennis
    court for a man at his weight. No doubt taking his opponents by surprised at the volleys he was able to win. As I mentioned
    Vic is a short man, Think a Jewish version of George Costanza.


    Anyway old Vic had a habit of telling Jew jokes frequently. Most of them were lame, but he's one of those guys that
    laughs hysterically at his own lame jokes. After Vic has a robust laugh at what seemed like dozens of lame jew jokes,
    my father interjected. ''Ya know something Vic, I've had it with your jew jokes. My grandfather died at Auschwitz and i'm
    getting fed up with it'' he told Vic. ''Oh my god, I had no idea. I'm so sorry please forgive me'' Vic would
    go on to say. You could tell from the look on Vic's face he felt beyond remorseful, even embarrassed. ''I had no idea you were
    even Jewish'' Vic adds a moment later. ''


    ''I'm not Jewish'' My father replied . A serious look on his face throughout the ordeal. ''But wait a second,
    You just said your grandfather died at Auschwitz'' Vic said with a somber tone. '' That's right. Ya know Vic
    it's the damnedest thing. He was minding his own business and slipped. Fell right off a perfectly stable guard
    tower '' My father says, keeping the straight face the entire time. The entire back deck erupts in laughter.
    ''You son of a....'' A clearly irritated Vic would go on to say. The rest of us laughing our asses off. I've seen
    Vic a few times since at derby parties, but that moment but an end to the jew jokes from the short,pudgy
    bald man.
     
    • Okeechobee Joe

      Okeechobee Joe Lost Ball in High Grass
      Lifetime Member

      Joined:
      Oct 5, 2014
      Messages:
      4,203
      Oxbucks:
      $3,010
      Ratings:
      +7,487 / -19
      I heard this story once. It concerns a cousin who moved out to Ardmore, Oklahoma. The story goes that some of his family back in Tennessee traveled by car one summer out to Oklahoma to see him and see how he was doing. It was a long trip and one of the passengers in the car was bored with the scenery as they approached the outskirts of Ardmore. As they reached the outer edges of the town he began to read aloud from the billboards on the side of the highway. Now this particular man was a staunch member of the Methodist Church and you would never hear a curse word or a vulgarity come out of his mouth.

      He began reading off the signs as the car passed them. "First National Bank of Ardmore For All Your Banking Needs." "Shop At Miller's Grocery Where You Are More Than Just A Customer." The next sign was a billboard put up by the Ardmore Asphalt Company. The sign reader read the sign with his distinct Tennessee accent: "Welcome To Ardmore From Your Friends At The Ardmore Assphelt Company. Come To Ardmore To Get Your Assphelt.'' He never missed a beat and went right on with his reading of the next billboard. The rest of the passengers were about to die with splitting sides and trying to hold their laughter in until they could exit the car at their final destination. Then they let loose.
       
      #22 Okeechobee Joe, Jan 12, 2019
      Last edited: Jan 12, 2019
      • stephenPE

        stephenPE Senior Member
        Lifetime Member

        Joined:
        Jul 20, 2014
        Messages:
        14,807
        Oxbucks:
        $1,727
        Ratings:
        +7,641 / -574
        Starke had a sign on 301 at a radiator shop. Best place in town to take a leak.
         
        • Gatorbait25

          Gatorbait25 H.E. Pennypacker, wealthy American industrialist

          Joined:
          Jun 12, 2014
          Messages:
          1,231
          Oxbucks:
          $1,480
          Ratings:
          +1,053 / -30
          This is a truly fantastic story.
           
        • 5-Star Finger

          5-Star Finger Apex predator of the political forum biome
          Lifetime Member

          Joined:
          Nov 16, 2017
          Messages:
          1,876
          Oxbucks:
          $2,065
          Ratings:
          +3,261 / -29
          Thanks. The wife still makes me tell it when we meet new people. At some point I'll share another one from that house about the smell of burning trash.
           
        • TLB

          TLB Just chillin'
          Lifetime Member

          Joined:
          Jan 6, 2015
          Messages:
          5,823
          Oxbucks:
          $2,513
          Ratings:
          +5,040 / -61
          I have quite a few about me and the wife, we have what we consider a 'special' life in what has occurred to us over the years. I'll try to drop a few here.

          How we met

          In college at UF, I'm in grad school and teaching CAD classes for the mechanical engineers. Ended up getting pretty friendly with a couple of the guys to where I was out getting hammered twice a week at the bars running specials. One of them asks if I can go with him to the Porpoise one night, and I'm like "sure!". It isn't until we've been there about a half hour that he tells me he is trying to meet a girl from work he is trying to hook up with, and she just walked in with a friend. I was dating someone at the time, which gives a bit more freedom for me to act as a wingman without concern of being shot down. I take my job seriously, and distract her friend the entire time. It helps that she is a big boobed blond, just my type. The evening ends, my guy gets nowhere, we move on.

          Over the next two weeks, he keeps telling me the blond was into me so I continue the wingman role for a few double dates. One was at Ashley's Pub, where my friend and I (both raised Roman Catholic) are teaching the girls about the Old Testament, which is their Torah (both girls are Jewish). Seems we know more about their religion than they do. Discussing religion, and appearing smarter, are not keys to a successful double date. My guys strikes out again. However, I keep being told the blond digs me, so I take her to the beach one day. We drive to Crescent, get out on the beach, and there is hardly anyone there - I've never seen it so deserted. We hope out, take off the outer clothing to get down to bathing suits, and she's in a bikini. This big boob blond has an incredible body and no hesitation in showing it off to me. I'm really digging this...for about 40min...until the storms roll in (now you know why nobody was there, and the fact that I don't check weather reports). We hope back in the car, drive home, and I go to drop her off. I've been an exemplary gentleman the entire two weeks and having concluded what I considered the third date, I felt it was appropriate to get a kiss goodbye.

          This has forever been referred to as "Muscle Lips". Never, have I ever, tried to kiss someone who's mouth was tighter than .. well, pretty tight.. Her lips were clenched tight enough to have been super glued. I was only going for a mutual peck, but damn, this was as 'NO' as you can get without saying it, I doubt she could say anything thru those lips. We went out a time or two more, made out once, but by the end of those two weeks, I knew she was the one. Muscle lips and all.

          Unfortunately, I had personal matters to attend to across the country, and left at the end of the two weeks. When I returned, she had moved to Virginia for grad school. And thus started the two years stint of driving long distance, exploring the southeast, and trying to convince her to be just more than friends.
           
          • bradgator2

            bradgator2 1/29/17 half marathon - 1 hour, 34 min, 2 secs
            Lifetime Member

            Joined:
            Jun 12, 2014
            Messages:
            5,434
            Oxbucks:
            $2,522
            Ratings:
            +8,714 / -57
            So my extended family are a bunch of good ol country boys. Since I can remember, they have applied for and received their tags to go on an alligator hunt. Every year, I declined. After always hearing their hilarious stories, I finally agreed. This had to have been 2007 or 2008.

            If I remember correctly, there are several things you have to do legally kill an alligator:
            1) it has to be from dusk to dawn
            2) you have to hook it with a treble hook
            3) you have to spear it
            4) then you can basically shoot it in the head with a bang stick

            So we set off early that evening to Lake Sampson just west of Starke. My first horror was the realization that we were setting out in a little aluminum john boat barely big enough to carry 4 people. This thing had to be at weight capacity. But we set off at dusk and instantly see a gator.

            This treble hook thing is stupid. Just a tiny 4 pronged hook on the end of a little rope. They toss it over the gator, it snags, he instantly sinks. They pull this little piece of crap boat over so it is sitting directly above him. "Now what?" "We sit and wait." And drink a few beers. They say it can take an hour for him to surface.

            Since it is my first (and only) time doing this, they want me to spear it. For the next hour, they tell me story after story of how nobody has ever speared a gator on their 1st try. Everyone always underestimates how difficult it is to penetrate their hide. "It's like trying to jab that spear through the driveway." After about an hour, some bubbles start to rise from under the boat. It's go time.

            So I stand up in this piece crap wobbly boat, spear in hand. They are pumping me up. Just like football players before they run through the tunnel. Heart is racing. Adrenaline is pumping at maximum output. These guys are ruthless I think to myself. There is noway I want to mess this up. It's like a Lord of the Flies scene. They tell me the instant he breaks the water, spear him. So boom, I see him break the water. I put ever single ounce of my 150 pound frame, and every amount of leverage and momentum I can muster into this motion.

            And 100% miss.

            It all happened so fast. Obviously, with that kind of motion, I went directly overboard. I was instantly yanked out of the water and thrown onto the boat. Those 3 dudes were laughing so hard they couldnt breath. I am sitting there, eyes like saucers, wandering if I was in heaven or hell. Everybody calmed down after a few minutes and we all realized my hair was 100% dry. Yes, I fell into a lake, basically head first, and yet my head never entered the water.

            Over ten years later, their lips curl in an evil smile whenever they see me.
             
            • Back Alley Gator

              Back Alley Gator Well-Known Member
              Lifetime Member

              Joined:
              Jul 16, 2018
              Messages:
              406
              Oxbucks:
              $571
              Ratings:
              +673 / -17
              Did y'all ever get that gator?
               
            • bradgator2

              bradgator2 1/29/17 half marathon - 1 hour, 34 min, 2 secs
              Lifetime Member

              Joined:
              Jun 12, 2014
              Messages:
              5,434
              Oxbucks:
              $2,522
              Ratings:
              +8,714 / -57
              Yeah. They killed it while I was sucking my thumb and trying to clean the shiit out of my pants. My brother-in-law actually had the head mounted because it was so damn big.
               
              • Gator by the Sea

                Gator by the Sea Well-Known Member
                Lifetime Member

                Joined:
                Mar 9, 2017
                Messages:
                340
                Oxbucks:
                $323
                Ratings:
                +623 / -2
                Ok, I've got a short one, but a good one. After 19 years of coaching and teaching PE, this is still the funniest thing I've ever seen another teacher do.

                Several years ago, one of my fellow coaches had an unruly class that as the year went on really tested his patience. One day, while he was trying to give instructions to the class, and they continued to talk, he had finally had enough. So he stops mid-sentence, pauses a moment, and loudly announces to the class "If you see someone talking, please give them the finger!" While everyone stopped to process what he had just said, and a collective thought of "did he really just say what I think he said?" went around the class, the coach slowly brings his index finger to his lips and gives the universal sign for "shh". I about lost it that day, and still laugh today thinking about his version of "the finger."
                 
                • ChiefGator

                  ChiefGator A Chief and a Gator, Master of the Ignore list!!!!

                  Joined:
                  Nov 9, 2015
                  Messages:
                  5,922
                  Oxbucks:
                  $1,754
                  Ratings:
                  +3,010 / -273
                  This is a short story about a child in a grocery store in say 1962. Child sees a water fountain with a "Coloreds Only" sign on it. He wonders why he can't get a drink from that fountain. Child is say 10.
                   
                  • Drunk Drunk x 2
                  • Facepalm Facepalm x 1
                  • List
                  • Okeechobee Joe

                    Okeechobee Joe Lost Ball in High Grass
                    Lifetime Member

                    Joined:
                    Oct 5, 2014
                    Messages:
                    4,203
                    Oxbucks:
                    $3,010
                    Ratings:
                    +7,487 / -19
                    I had a friend that told me this true story. He was visiting his aunt and uncle in Dallas, Texas. It was a November 22nd the anniversary of the assassination of JFK. My friend had never been to Dallas before so his aunt and uncle were giving him a tour of some of the sights of Dallas. They drove by Dealey Plaza where the infamous Texas Book Depository Building is located. As they drove by my friend's uncle pointed up at the sixth floor of the Book Depository Building and said "now that's the window where Oswald fired the fatal shots". Just as he said those words there was a loud "BAM" that hit the car's front windshield. Someone had thrown a melon or some such object and hit the windshield. The windshield was not broken but it was splattered with the contents of the melon. There were screams and shrieks from the passengers. The uncle who was the driver of the vehicle floor boarded it and sped off in the direction of Parkland Memorial Hospital which was next on the itinerary. They didn't have the presence of mind to look to see if someone was standing on the grassy knoll.
                     
                    • AuggieDosta

                      AuggieDosta I Don't Re Member

                      Joined:
                      Aug 1, 2018
                      Messages:
                      294
                      Oxbucks:
                      $302
                      Ratings:
                      +299 / -34
                      I lawled so hard at this story!
                       
                      • stephenPE

                        stephenPE Senior Member
                        Lifetime Member

                        Joined:
                        Jul 20, 2014
                        Messages:
                        14,807
                        Oxbucks:
                        $1,727
                        Ratings:
                        +7,641 / -574
                        Did yall put in at the Slab? Or go back there and have a beer. Pretty lake but I couldnt catch any fish that day we had a tournament there. Great story. John boat with four men and for gator hunting thats for damn sure.............
                         
                      • cover2

                        cover2 I've grown old
                        Lifetime Member

                        Joined:
                        Jun 12, 2014
                        Messages:
                        1,558
                        Oxbucks:
                        $1,834
                        Ratings:
                        +4,826 / -4
                        Not a story, but I heard a little joke the other day I'll share. William Shatner (Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the Starship Enterprise) recently unveiled a line of women's undergarments as part of his growing fashion line. Unfortunately sales were terrible and the line had to be pulled from stores and re-marketed. Seems that "Shatner Panties" just wouldn't sell!
                         
                        • ChiefGator

                          ChiefGator A Chief and a Gator, Master of the Ignore list!!!!

                          Joined:
                          Nov 9, 2015
                          Messages:
                          5,922
                          Oxbucks:
                          $1,754
                          Ratings:
                          +3,010 / -273
                          Thanks for the input, the story is actually reality. It happened in Shell City or super store. 1950's - Shell's Super Store on N. W. 7th Avenue in Edison Center, Miami by Don Boyd
                           
                          • Back Alley Gator

                            Back Alley Gator Well-Known Member
                            Lifetime Member

                            Joined:
                            Jul 16, 2018
                            Messages:
                            406
                            Oxbucks:
                            $571
                            Ratings:
                            +673 / -17
                            Yea...thanks for that, Captain Bringdown. Whats next? Loving stories from Stalingrad in the 1940s? Tales from those who failed to escape East Berlin? The joys of plague in Europe? The virtues of typhus from a soldier in Napoleons army?
                             
                            • ChiefGator

                              ChiefGator A Chief and a Gator, Master of the Ignore list!!!!

                              Joined:
                              Nov 9, 2015
                              Messages:
                              5,922
                              Oxbucks:
                              $1,754
                              Ratings:
                              +3,010 / -273
                              Well the original story was to indicate the innocence of a small child in a time of much more intrusive discrimination against blacks.

                              I think it says something about the progress we have made as a society and culture, and how some or perhaps many were not racists back then in the south.

                              Sorry you found it not inspiring, I have several stories from WWII that I like but won't bother to share.

                              And yes the plagues from Europe had several positive impacts, they reduced over population (imagine how many people we might have if all lived and had children, and I seem to remember that some who cared for each other actually survived in larger numbers than those who did not.

                              The sacrifices of Russia led to the defeat of Nazi Germany, without that the outcome might have been very different.

                              With say modern medical treatments Napoleon might have controlled a lot more of the world and changed history.

                              As someone who likes alternative reality stories all these could be addressed in fiction.

                              Perhaps you are just much different than me, or you just misunderstood the original post.

                              Have a nice day!!!!
                               
                              • stephenPE

                                stephenPE Senior Member
                                Lifetime Member

                                Joined:
                                Jul 20, 2014
                                Messages:
                                14,807
                                Oxbucks:
                                $1,727
                                Ratings:
                                +7,641 / -574
                                A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
                                He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
                                When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
                                The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
                                "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
                                It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
                                The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
                                One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
                                When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
                                So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
                                The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
                                The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
                                He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
                                One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
                                All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
                                When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
                                The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
                                "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
                                "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
                                "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
                                 
                                • AuggieDosta

                                  AuggieDosta I Don't Re Member

                                  Joined:
                                  Aug 1, 2018
                                  Messages:
                                  294
                                  Oxbucks:
                                  $302
                                  Ratings:
                                  +299 / -34
                                  Since this story thread has some very funny ones in here and that has naturally turned into a bit of a jokes thread, I figured I'd provide a gift idea for all you parents that are in the corporate world and yet have children that, naturally, want to "be like Mommy or Daddy"...
                                  upload_2019-1-17_8-59-29.png
                                   

                                  Share This Page

                                  The Box

                                  Help

                                  You don't have the necessary permissions to use the chat.

                                    1. There are currently no users chatting.
                                      • About Us

                                        Our community sprung up when the Gatorsports message board was shut down in the summer of 2014. We pride ourselves on offering Gator-biased, yet critical discussion among people of all different backgrounds. We are working every day to make sure our community is the best Gator message board you will find.
                                      • Like us on Facebook

                                      • Buy us a Zima!

                                        The management works very hard to make sure the community is running the best software, best designs, and all the other bells and whistles. Care to buy us a non-alcoholic Zima? We'd really appreciate it! Just click the "Donate" tab at the top of the page.