The New joke thread

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by deuce, Jul 27, 2020.

  1. deuce

    deuce Mentally Challenged
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    Mind your manners....... Now that's a joke.


    The Joking Boss

    The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the
    whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked
    up. Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.
    "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a
    sense of humor?"

    "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."
     
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    • deuce

      deuce Mentally Challenged
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      #18 touches me.
      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Subject: Hospital charts

      Actual writings on hospital charts:

      1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
      very hot in bed last night.

      2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

      3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
      disappeared.

      4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
      depressed.

      5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

      6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

      7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
      forgetful.

      8. The patient refused autopsy.

      9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

      10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

      11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
      only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

      12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

      13. She is numb from her toes down.

      14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

      15. The skin was moist and dry.

      16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

      17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

      18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

      19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
      she got a divorce.

      20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
      therapy.

      21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation
       
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      • TLB

        TLB Just chillin'
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        #18 for sure, with #20 running second.
         
      • AuggieDosta

        AuggieDosta I Don't Re Member

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        A horse walks into a bar.
        The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"
        :rimshot:
         
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        • Nalt

          Nalt Member

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          A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

          After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

          For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

          This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter’s report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

          Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red ‘A’ under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

          “Was it the nuns that did it?” the father asked. The boy shook his head and said “No.”

          “Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?” “No.”

          “The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?”

          “No”, said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the "plus sign," I KNEW they meant business!”
           
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          • Nalt

            Nalt Member

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            A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The
            surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small
            knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten
            up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.

            Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob". Over the course of the years, the
            woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman
            remained young and vibrant looking.

            After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems...
            "All these years, everything has been working fine, I have had to turn the
            knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I have
            developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my
            eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

            The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
            your breasts."

            She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
             
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            • deuce

              deuce Mentally Challenged
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              1471898_10201601418731534_1540104484_n.jpg
               
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              • deuce

                deuce Mentally Challenged
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                1425590_10201601422171620_1044281901_n.jpg
                 
                • AuggieDosta

                  AuggieDosta I Don't Re Member

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                  Q: Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

                  A: All they said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach..."
                   
                  • AuggieDosta

                    AuggieDosta I Don't Re Member

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                    3 Chords, a C, an e-flat and a G, walk into a bar. The bartender immediately shows them the door and says, "sorry, we don't serve minors!"
                     
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                    • AuggieDosta

                      AuggieDosta I Don't Re Member

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                      A photon is going through the airport security. One of the TSA Agents asks if he has any luggage.

                      The photon says, "no, I'm traveling light."
                       
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                      • AuggieDosta

                        AuggieDosta I Don't Re Member

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                        The bartender says, "we don't serve time travelers in here!"

                        A time traveler walks into a bar.
                         
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                        • AuggieDosta

                          AuggieDosta I Don't Re Member

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                          Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

                          A: "Make me one with everything."
                           
                          • AuggieDosta

                            AuggieDosta I Don't Re Member

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                            If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
                             
                            • AuggieDosta

                              AuggieDosta I Don't Re Member

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                              A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, "dry?"

                              The German replies, "nein, just one."
                               
                              • Gator By Marriage

                                Gator By Marriage A convert to Gatorism
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                                Admit it; you’ve been asking Alexa to tell you jokes again, haven’t you?
                                 
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                                • AuggieDosta

                                  AuggieDosta I Don't Re Member

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                                  Hail nah! I don't have any robots inside my home aside from the Keurig.
                                   
                                  • B52G8rAC

                                    B52G8rAC Well-Known Member
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                                    39 Things Never Said By Southerners

                                    39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
                                    38. Duct tape won't fix that.
                                    37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
                                    36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
                                    35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
                                    33. You can't feed that to the dog.
                                    32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
                                    31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
                                    30. Wrasslin's fake.
                                    29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
                                    28. We're Vegans.
                                    27. Do you think my gut is too big?
                                    26. I'm so glad they added Bravo to our cable lineup.
                                    25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
                                    24. Who's Richard Petty?
                                    23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
                                    22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
                                    21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
                                    20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart's today.
                                    19. Trim the fat off that steak.
                                    18. Double non-fat latte, please
                                    17. The tires on that truck are too big.
                                    16. Quick, turn on the soccer game.
                                    15. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
                                    14. I've got it all on the C drive.
                                    13. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
                                    12. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
                                    11. We're registered at Tiffany's.
                                    10. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
                                    9. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
                                    8. Checkmate.
                                    7. It's just wrong to watch a sport where everyone's waiting for a wreck to happen.
                                    6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" we haven't seen.
                                    5. I don't have a favorite college team.
                                    4. John Lennon was way more talented than Johnny Cash.
                                    3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
                                    2. Go Irish!
                                    1. No pie for me. I'm too full.
                                     
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                                    • Okeechobee Joe

                                      Okeechobee Joe Lost Ball in High Grass
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                                      So this Yankee went down to Mississippi and was driving down a dark isolated road at night. He was not familiar with the country roads and was a little tentative driving under these less than ideal conditions. A Mississippian who was familiar with the local roads came speeding along around a corner and the two cars sideswiped each other. Luckily no one was hurt but just shaken up.

                                      The two drivers got out of their vehicles and approached each other. The Southerner could see the Yankee was pretty shaken and nervous. He said " buddy I've got something in my car that will help calm your nerves down." He walked back to his car, lifted the trunk, and pulled out a bottle of bourbon. "Here take a drink of this," the Southerner said. The Yankee took a drink and said "that's really good stuff" to which the Southerner said "go ahead and have another drink". The Northerner took another drink and several more and said " I've always heard of Southern hospitality, but this is really nice of you. I'm starting to feel a lot better."

                                      To which the Mississippian replied in his Southern drawl "Oh think nothing of it. Go ahead and help yourself to another swig. The police will be here in a minute or two."
                                       
                                      #19 Okeechobee Joe, Jul 29, 2020
                                      Last edited: Jul 29, 2020
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                                      • Gatordiddy

                                        Gatordiddy Well-Known Member
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                                        and #40
                                        “That Kenny G is so amazing- I love his early stuff”
                                         

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