The New joke thread

[deuce]

Mind your manners....... Now that's a joke.


The Joking Boss

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the
whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked
up. Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a
sense of humor?"

"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."

 

[deuce]

#18 touches me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Hospital charts

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation

 

[TLB]

#18 touches me.

#18 for sure, with #20 running second.

 

[AuggieDosta]

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"

 

[Nalt]

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter’s report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red ‘A’ under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

“Was it the nuns that did it?” the father asked. The boy shook his head and said “No.”

“Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?” “No.”

“The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?”

“No”, said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the "plus sign," I KNEW they meant business!”

 

[Nalt]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The
surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small
knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten
up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob". Over the course of the years, the
woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman
remained young and vibrant looking.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems...
"All these years, everything has been working fine, I have had to turn the
knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I have
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my
eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

 

[deuce]

 

[deuce]

 

[AuggieDosta]

Q: Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

A: All they said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach..."

 

[AuggieDosta]

3 Chords, a C, an e-flat and a G, walk into a bar. The bartender immediately shows them the door and says, "sorry, we don't serve minors!"

 

[AuggieDosta]

A photon is going through the airport security. One of the TSA Agents asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says, "no, I'm traveling light."

 

[AuggieDosta]

The bartender says, "we don't serve time travelers in here!"

A time traveler walks into a bar.

 

[AuggieDosta]

Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

A: "Make me one with everything."

 

[AuggieDosta]

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

 

[AuggieDosta]

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, "dry?"

The German replies, "nein, just one."

 

[Gator By Marriage]

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, "dry?"

The German replies, "nein, just one."

Admit it; you’ve been asking Alexa to tell you jokes again, haven’t you?

 

[AuggieDosta]

Admit it; you’ve been asking Alexa to tell you jokes again, haven’t you?

Hail nah! I don't have any robots inside my home aside from the Keurig.

 

[B52G8rAC]

39 Things Never Said By Southerners

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're Vegans.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'm so glad they added Bravo to our cable lineup.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart's today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Double non-fat latte, please
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. Quick, turn on the soccer game.
15. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
14. I've got it all on the C drive.
13. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
12. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
11. We're registered at Tiffany's.
10. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
9. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
8. Checkmate.
7. It's just wrong to watch a sport where everyone's waiting for a wreck to happen.
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. John Lennon was way more talented than Johnny Cash.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Go Irish!
1. No pie for me. I'm too full.

 

[Okeechobee Joe]

So this Yankee went down to Mississippi and was driving down a dark isolated road at night. He was not familiar with the country roads and was a little tentative driving under these less than ideal conditions. A Mississippian who was familiar with the local roads came speeding along around a corner and the two cars sideswiped each other. Luckily no one was hurt but just shaken up.

The two drivers got out of their vehicles and approached each other. The Southerner could see the Yankee was pretty shaken and nervous. He said " buddy I've got something in my car that will help calm your nerves down." He walked back to his car, lifted the trunk, and pulled out a bottle of bourbon. "Here take a drink of this," the Southerner said. The Yankee took a drink and said "that's really good stuff" to which the Southerner said "go ahead and have another drink". The Northerner took another drink and several more and said " I've always heard of Southern hospitality, but this is really nice of you. I'm starting to feel a lot better."

To which the Mississippian replied in his Southern drawl "Oh think nothing of it. Go ahead and help yourself to another swig. The police will be here in a minute or two."

 

[Gatordiddy]

New39 Things Never Said By Southerners

and #40
“That Kenny G is so amazing- I love his early stuff”