The New joke thread

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
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Or the one about the guy, who runs into a bar and asks
"Quick, how tall is a penguin?
Bartender says, "I don't know, three, four feet tall, why?"
Guy says, " three, four feet tall? Never taller?
Bartender says, "Not that I know of why ?"
Guy says, "Give me a drink. I think I just ran over a nun!"
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
6,657
18,162
A professor at Auburn University reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here

tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury

or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other

excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What

would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter

sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was

restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head

and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your

other hand."
 

Nalt

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Jul 23, 2020
6,657
18,162
As the WWII bomber pilot settled into his seat, he pulled out a .38 revolver and placed it on top of the instrument panel.
Turning to the navigator, he asked, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, Sir, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use it on navigators that get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you do."
 

B52G8rAC

SAC Trained Warrior
Lifetime Member
Feb 15, 2016
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So...an instructor was doing the final check out on a new B-25 pilot. The Mitchell bomber was notorious for limited rudder authority in an single engine situation. Right after takeoff, the instructor pulled the left engine to idle and told the newbie to fly the airplane back to land. After 5 minutes of holding the unpowered rudder pedal to the floor, with left leg shaking and cramping in pain, the candidate asked the instructor to assist with holding the rudder. The instructor said to assume he had died and to continue the approach. The newbie immediately called the engineer on intercom and said, "Joe, come throw this sack of crap body out of the plane help me hold the rudder."
 

B52G8rAC

SAC Trained Warrior
Lifetime Member
Feb 15, 2016
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Last Leftenant Smyth joke. However there will be a test.
After his initial postings in the Sahara and sub-Saharan Africa, St. John Smyth finally earned a hard won assignment to the British jewel of the east, India. Upon arrival, he made his manners to the post commander and, with wisdom gained before, asked the Major if he had any advice. The Major leaned back and said, well Smyth there are three things that will end you and your career here. The first is malaria, the second is dengue fever and the third is the dreaded tiki-taki snake. Malaria is ubiquitous, you will be infected. When you get a fever, chills and yellow skin, go immediately to the surgeon and he will give you quinine. Rest and you will recover. Dengue fever will cause a fever and massive diarrhea. Again, report immediately to the surgeon and he will give you fluids and aspirin. Follow his directions and you will recover. The tiki-taki snake is different; its bite is 100% fatal. It lies in wait on the path to strike. If you see a yellow and black banded snake on the path; approach it cautiously, grab it by the tail and run your other hand up the snake to pop the head off. "Yes, sir, thank you sir," said Smyth as he took his leave. Several months later, the Major heard that Smyth was in the dispensary dying. He ran over to Smyth's bed and asked what had happened. Smyth gave a weak smile and said, "Sir, I remembered all you had said. About a week after our talk I started a fever, chills and developed yellow skin. I went to the surgeon, he gave me quinine and bed rest and I recovered in good order. Two months later I developed horrible intestinal craps and diarrhea. Went to the surgeon and he gave me aspirin, fluids and bed rest. Again I was well straightaway. I was on the trail walking to your office to thank you for the advice when I spotted the tell tale sign of the yellow and black banded tiki-taki snake on the path. I carefully approached, grabbed the end of the tail and ran my hand up the snake into the rectum of the biggest Bengal Tiger in India." Then Smyth died.
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
6,657
18,162
A man walked into the ladies department of a
Macy's and shyly walked up
to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd
like to buy a bra for my
wife. What type of bra?" asked the clerk. Type?"
inquires the man,
"There's more than one type? Look around," said
the saleslady, as she
showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color
and material
imaginable. Actually, even with all of this
variety, there are really
only four types of bras to choose from.

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The
saleslady replied:

There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types. Which one would you prefer? Now
totally befuddled, the
man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite
simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and
upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F,
G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes? If you have
wondered why, but
couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it
is about time you
became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !


They forgot the German bra.

Hotzemfromfloppen!
 

Spectator

Well-Known Member
Jan 15, 2021
868
1,595
Nascar legend Jimmie Johnson could get a hand delivered party invitation and he would still crash it.

Crashed on his first practice out lap, destroyed his car in race morning warm up, and got stacked up in "the big one" then DQ'd because they worked on the car during a red flag. I can't blame the crew, its a habit to make repairs when Jimmie drives.
 

Spectator

Well-Known Member
Jan 15, 2021
868
1,595
FSU fans searching the Top 25 rankings for their football team

safe_image.php
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
6,657
18,162
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, centered in and surrounded by metal or plastic. (Material other than metal or plastic will be considered on a case-by-case basis. Submit your request in triplicate and be please be specific. Requests that include an atomic diagram of the requested "other material" will be given priority.)

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout its entire length. Using pipe with holes of different length than the material surrounding the holes could constitute a safety hazard and is therefore neither recommended nor permitted.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside the hole at a later date.

5. Rust on the pipe at time of delivery is optional - it can be applied later at the job site. Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

6. All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length must have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must have the words "long pipe" painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

(6, 7, and 8 a: Short pipes and small pipes need not be labeled as such.)

9. Flanges will be included on some pipe, depending on the expected use of the pipe. If flanges are required, they must have holes for bolts quite separate from the hole that runs the length of the pipe.

10. When ordering 90 degree, 45 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify right-hand or left-hand for each; otherwise you could end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. This is very important in avoiding project delays and snafus. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it will be unscrewed from the other.
 

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