The New joke thread

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
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After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New York to say hello
to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"

Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" Asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.

My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food.

She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip.

Everytinga was a Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us and a say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car'. "So, me and my beautiful Virginia,
we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice vino!"

Conductore walka by again, waga his a finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club acar.' "So, we go to club car.

While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar.

The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina disa car.

Musta go to smokina car.' "We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.

We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice, 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'

"Next time, I'm a gonna take a da bus.
 

Gatordiddy

Member in good standing
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Jul 23, 2014
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A couple of oldies but goodies:

I answered my door a couple of days ago and there were two Jehovah's Witnesses at the door. They did their initial spiel and much to their surprise I invited them in. They sat on the couch and there was an awkward silence. I broke the ice by asking... "So, what do you guys want to talk about?" They said: "We don't know, we've never made it this far".


I called in to my boss this morning to explain that I was going to be out today. He asked why and I said I had Anal Glaucoma.
He asked what the hell that was and I replied "I can't see my ass coming in to work today".
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
6,657
18,141
Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital



A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment. Furious film fan and part-time plus-size XXXL model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the 'Ink It Good' Tattoo Emporium in Wellgate, Yorkshire last week, to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.



Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story."It was a big job in more ways than one", he told us "I'd just lit a roll-up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It's delicate, close up work.



Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston's whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what's happening, there's a flame shooting from her arse to my f@g and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire."



Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel.



The flames had traveled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework."To be honest", said Jason, "I didn't even realize she was wearing one. You'd need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I'd have been none the wiser."



Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame."I'm furious" said Jason, "I've got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don't know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind would be more appropriate. You don't just let rip in someone's face like that. It's dangerous."



But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant."I'm still in agony," she said, "and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn't have had a *** on the go when he's doing close up work, there's no way I'd guff on purpose. He'd had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that I give him my five-second warning, and I'd have done the same for Jason, but I didn't get chance – it just quietly crept out."



Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn't surprised when we asked him to comment on what had happened...."People just don't appreciate the dangers," he told us. "We get more call outs to flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days now that people have moved over to oven chips.... We have a slogan 'Flame 'n fart – keep 'em apart'.... Anyone engaging in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future. On behalf of the entire Fire and Rescue service, we wish them both a swift recovery."
 

deuce

Founding Member
"Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the dogs of war."
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Jun 11, 2014
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Founding Member

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
6,657
18,141
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, would you like a Drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?”
 

deuce

Founding Member
"Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the dogs of war."
Lifetime Member
Jun 11, 2014
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The old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
 

RiverRat

Glass half full
Lifetime Member
Nov 1, 2017
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Guy ask’s his wife what would she do if he won the lottery?

wife say she would take half the money and leave

husband says well I won $12.00 last night here’s $6.00
Stay in touch..
 

Jake from State Farm

I'm wearing Khakis, why?
Sep 6, 2014
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I'm a doctor.jpeg
268802575_392493529318135_6706622250080342949_n.jpg
 
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