- Feb 2, 2017
- 5,489
- 10,065
The New joke thread
- Thread starter deuce
- Start date
- Feb 2, 2017
- 5,489
- 10,065
One of my schoolmate's father used to order his eggs past 40.
When the waitress asked what does that mean?
The dude would say, half hard!
When the waitress asked what does that mean?
The dude would say, half hard!
- Oct 5, 2014
- 7,097
- 16,063
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
A Russian Jew named Jacob was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel. At the Moscow airport, a customs inspector found a statue of Lenin in his luggage and asked, "What is this?"
Jacob replied, "Wrong question, comrade. You should have asked, 'Who is this?'"
"This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of Socialism and created the future prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."
The Russian customs official sent him on his way.
At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs official also asked, "What is this?"
"Wrong question, sir. You should be asking 'Who is this?' This, my friend, is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue as a reminder to curse him every day."
The Israeli official sent him on his way.
When he settled in his new home, Jacob placed the statue on a table. The following evening, he invited friends and relatives to dinner. Spotting the statue, one of his cousins asked, "Who is this?"
Jacob replied, "Wrong question. You should have asked, 'What is this?' This is five kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me from Russia without having to pay any customs duty or tax."
The Moral: "Politics is when you can tell the same crap in different ways to fool different people and come out smelling like a rose."
Jacob replied, "Wrong question, comrade. You should have asked, 'Who is this?'"
"This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of Socialism and created the future prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."
The Russian customs official sent him on his way.
At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs official also asked, "What is this?"
"Wrong question, sir. You should be asking 'Who is this?' This, my friend, is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue as a reminder to curse him every day."
The Israeli official sent him on his way.
When he settled in his new home, Jacob placed the statue on a table. The following evening, he invited friends and relatives to dinner. Spotting the statue, one of his cousins asked, "Who is this?"
Jacob replied, "Wrong question. You should have asked, 'What is this?' This is five kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me from Russia without having to pay any customs duty or tax."
The Moral: "Politics is when you can tell the same crap in different ways to fool different people and come out smelling like a rose."
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,808
- 18,638
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,808
- 18,638
Seven retired Italian Floridian guys were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido lost $500 on a single hand, clutched his chest, and dropped dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continued playing but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looked around and asked, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picked the low card and had to carry the news.
They told him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet?” Pasquale responded, “I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"
So, Pasquale went over to the Guido's condo and knocked on the door.
The wife answered through the door and asked what he wanted?
Pasquale declared, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yelled the wife.
"I'll go tell him," said Pasquale.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continued playing but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looked around and asked, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picked the low card and had to carry the news.
They told him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet?” Pasquale responded, “I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"
So, Pasquale went over to the Guido's condo and knocked on the door.
The wife answered through the door and asked what he wanted?
Pasquale declared, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yelled the wife.
"I'll go tell him," said Pasquale.
- Jul 30, 2014
- 10,131
- 16,377
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,808
- 18,638
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual
funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman
walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short
distance back, were about 200 women walking single
file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She
respectfully approached the woman walking the dog
and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now
is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a
funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in t he second
hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on
her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual
funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman
walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short
distance back, were about 200 women walking single
file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She
respectfully approached the woman walking the dog
and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now
is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a
funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in t he second
hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on
her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
I may be getting old, but I can still spot safety violations. This man has no hard hat, no safety glasses, no hearing protection and no gloves!
- Feb 15, 2016
- 6,038
- 11,241
And no need for a condom in the very near future.I may be getting old, but I can still spot safety violations. This man has no hard hat, no safety glasses, no hearing protection and no gloves!
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,808
- 18,638
After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.
He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.
On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.
The service proceeds as planned and the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?
Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked, "How much do I owe you?"
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.
The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.
Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hands the groom four dollars and fifty cents.
He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.
On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.
The service proceeds as planned and the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?
Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked, "How much do I owe you?"
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.
The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.
Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hands the groom four dollars and fifty cents.
- Feb 15, 2016
- 6,038
- 11,241
This probably is back in vogue. After trade opened between Russia and the US, the Trojan company received an order for 5 million condoms, 5 inches in diameter and 12 inches long. The company suspected a psychological ploy and delivered the requested items, labeled MEDIUM.
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,808
- 18,638
The recession has hit everybody really hard...
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil had to layoff 25 Congressmen.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them...
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil had to layoff 25 Congressmen.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them...
- Jun 14, 2014
- 1,290
- 663
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