The New joke thread

[Nalt]

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love.
When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?" "Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin." "Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc. "Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

 

[deuce]

 

[Nalt]

There are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

[Nalt]

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest food stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"

 

[grengadgy]

"When a customer who never had a tv before who lived out in the sticks. The aerial riggers went first to install a new high gain aerial. Then the rep went to intall the brand new boxed tv , set it up on the stand and connected the plug. The rep asked where the socket was ? The customer replied "WE Wanted a GAS one" !!

 

[B52G8rAC]

A Texas Aggie was in the local hardware store complaining to the owner about how hard he had to work to saw a cord of firewood. The hardware store owner asked what tools the Aggie was using. The answer, the old bucksaw his grandfather had left him. The owner allowed that technology had advanced since then and convinced the Aggie to buy a brand new chain saw to help him with the chore, telling him the task time would be less than half than before. The next week the Aggie came back and plopped the chainsaw on the counter asking for his money back. The owner asked why and was told the work was harder and no faster. The owner said, wait one minute, and took the saw out back, started it up and made 3 or 4 cuts with no problem. He came back in and said I'll give you your money back but I couldn't find anything wrong with the saw. The Aggie said thanks and then said, "one more thing, what the hell was all that noise?"

 

[Nalt]

Bill & Hillary are on the mound of Yankees Stadium
Before one of their games. Bill picks up Hillary and heaves her towards home plate.

As the Secret Service run over to help her up, One of their handlers screams at him, "Mr. President! You were supposed to throw the first *Pitch!"

 

[B52G8rAC]

Bill was jogging one morning around the White House track. As he approached the fence, an onlooker heaved a beer can at him. The Secret Service responded immediately, arrested the perp and asked Clinton is he was OK. He replied he was. The beer was a draft and he dodged it.

 

[Double Gator Dad]

A Texas Aggie was in the local hardware store complaining to the owner about how hard he had to work to saw a cord of firewood. The hardware store owner asked what tools the Aggie was using. The answer, the old bucksaw his grandfather had left him. The owner allowed that technology had advanced since then and convinced the Aggie to buy a brand new chain saw to help him with the chore, telling him the task time would be less than half than before. The next week the Aggie came back and plopped the chainsaw on the counter asking for his money back. The owner asked why and was told the work was harder and no faster. The owner said, wait one minute, and took the saw out back, started it up and made 3 or 4 cuts with no problem. He came back in and said I'll give you your money back but I couldn't find anything wrong with the saw. The Aggie said thanks and then said, "one more thing, what the hell was all that noise?"

Now THIS is an old joke. I first heard it 50 years ago, I am embarrassed to say.
As you might suspect, the victim in the joke was quite a bit different back then but the same joke.

Congrats on keeping it alive.

 

[B52G8rAC]

Did you hear that Jimbo tore out the turf at Kyle Field and installed cardboard. Someone said his Aggies looked a lot better on paper.

 

[B52G8rAC]

Sven and Ollie (from Minnesota don chat know?) were building a new house. Sven was up on the ladder putting up siding and Ollie was on the ground passing up material. He was also getting hit by a lot of siding nails. So, he asked Sven why he was throwing the nails out on the ground. Sven said they was bad; the heads were on the wrong end. Ollie replied, you stupid swede, them's for the other side of the house.

 

[deuce]

Why do Russian Tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the action!

 

[Turk182]

 

[Treebeard]

 

[Nalt]

One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Biker: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Biker: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Biker : "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Biker : "You better believe it"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Biker : "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Biker : "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hel l was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Biker : "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

 

[CGgater]

One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Biker: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Biker: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Biker : "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Biker : "You better believe it"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Biker : "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Biker : "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hel l was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Biker : "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

I’m pretty sure EVERY DAY is Friday in hell. Just something to think about if anyone is pondering their ultimate destination in eternity.

 

[Nalt]

I’m pretty sure EVERY DAY is Friday in hell. Just something to think about if anyone is pondering their ultimate destination in eternity.

I think it is more likely that every day in Hell will be a Monday. Just sayin...

 

[CGgater]

I think it is more likely that every day in Hell will be a Monday. Just sayin...

So, you didn't actually read the joke you posted ?

 

[B52G8rAC]

So, you didn't actually read the joke you posted ?

Prolly not, Thursdays are his day in the barrel.

 

[CGgater]

Prolly not, Thursdays are his day in the barrel.

Funny. Yet, eewww.