The New joke thread

Bushmaster

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Jul 27, 2018
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Martha recently lost her husband.....

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he
was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him:

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said;
"Herman remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said:
"Herman, that diamond ring you promised me ... bought that too, with the
insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said:
"Herman, remember that bl*w j*b I promised you? Here it comes".

Sounds like Herman is better off dead than married to that bitch.
 

Spectator

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Jan 15, 2021
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293013493_352110970434740_7416785417365008719_n.jpg
 

Nalt

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Jul 23, 2020
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11,737
After Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for
some campaign advice, at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he
could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!
That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just
think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But, I wouldn't have something so indulgent!"
Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how
impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom,
Bill had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary
smiled and said to Bill:
"I found out who peed in your saxophone."
 

B52G8rAC

SAC Trained Warrior
Lifetime Member
Feb 15, 2016
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So, Bill Clinton woke up one winter morning while President and looked down at the Rose Garden lawn. Neatly penned in cursive were the words "Bill Clinton Sucks." Enraged he demanded the Secret Service find out who had done it and how it was done. That afternoon the lead agent came to the Oval office and said Mr. President we've finished our investigation and I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that the writing was urine and DNA confirms it was Al Gore's. Clinton said I guess that is bad but what could possibly be worse? The agent replied, "Hand writing analysis shows its Hillary."
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
4,247
11,737
HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the
WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping
at work, following this Survival Guide for taking
a poop at work.

CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets
a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If
there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch
you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness
of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: (More people need to LEARN this one!!!)

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help
you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be
a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable
walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:


This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet
Pooper
enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):


A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
Of The Closet Poopers
, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your
sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall is called a
Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in
peace.

WATERMELON:

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud
splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also
an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
poop when the bathroom is empty! .

This benefits you as well as other bathroom
attendees. Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the
WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.
 

Jake from State Farm

I'm wearing Khakis, why?
Sep 6, 2014
435
516
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
4,247
11,737
A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They got along so well that they decided to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes, how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied. "You keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they're done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I am a good dentist.
How did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
4,247
11,737
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an "exotic" pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:
"SEX FROGS" Only $20each! Comes with "complete" instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter,
"I'll TAKE one!"
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!"
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise .. . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store."
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The stupid frog just SITS there!"
The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares "directly into its eyes" and STERNLY says:

"LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ..... MORE... TIME!!!"
 

Gator By Marriage

A convert to Gatorism
Lifetime Member
Dec 31, 2018
11,380
20,625
A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They got along so well that they decided to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes, how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied. "You keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they're done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I am a good dentist.
How did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"
Admit it: you’re an anti-dentite!
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
4,247
11,737
Help Understanding Democrat Tax Refunds

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you don't understand the Democrats' version

of tax refunds, maybe this will help explain it:

50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the

game was rained out.

A refund was then due.

The team was about to mail refunds when a group

of Congressional Democrats stopped them and

suggested that they send out the ticket refunds

based on the Democrat National Committee's

interpretation of fairness.

Originally the refunds were to be paid based on

the price each person had paid for the tickets.

Unfortunately that meant most of the refund

money would be going to the ticket holders that

had purchased the most expensive tickets. This,
according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair.

A decision was then made to pay out the refunds

in this manner:

People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all,

they have less money to spend on tickets to begin with.

Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit." Persons

"earn" it by having few skills, poor work habits, and

low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because

it "seems fair." People in the $50 seats will get back

$1, because they already make a lot of money and
don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford

a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have

to pay an additional $25 because it's the "right

thing to do."

People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford

to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund,

even though they didn't pay anything for the tickets.

They need the most help. Sometimes this is known as

Affirmative Action.

Now do you understand?

If not, contact Representative Nancy Pelosi, Senator Chuck Schumer
 

Nalt

Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
4,247
11,737
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met
in the social center and discovered after a few weeks that they enjoyed
each other's company. After several meetings for coffee, Claude asked
Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic
restaurant in town. Despite his age Claude was still a charmer and things went well.

Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an
after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age
being no inhibition.

Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As
they were basking in the glow of this now-revived magical moment they'd
shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts: Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have
been more gentle"

And Maude was thinking, "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd
have taken off my pantyhose."
 

Jake from State Farm

I'm wearing Khakis, why?
Sep 6, 2014
435
516
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE! This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.,,,, Men Are Happier People! What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!
NICKNAMES: If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. • If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman.
EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. • The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. • A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURE: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY - A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 

Treebeard

Oops, just stepped on a Lorax.
Lifetime Member
Dec 23, 2015
4,188
21,548
So little Jimmy is in the farmhouse when he hears a knock at the door.
He looks out the window and sees that it's Farmer Johnson from down the road.
Jimmy opens the door and Farmer Johnson asks "is your father home?"
Little Jimmy says "No, he is out plowing the field."
Farmer Johnson asks "Is your mother at home then?"
Jimmy answers "No, she has gone into town."
"Well then, how about your brother Greg?"
"No, he went over to Shelbyville to pick up some hay. Is there something I can help you with?" Jimmy asks.
Farmer Johnson says "Well it seems your brother Greg has gotten my daughter pregnant!"
Little Jimmy says "Oh well then you will definitely have to talk to my dad. I know he gets $200 for the bull, and $100 for the hog. I don't know what he gets for Greg!"
 

AuggieDosta

I Don't Re Member
Lifetime Member
Aug 1, 2018
5,318
7,987
1. I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

2. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

3. Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

4. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

5. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

6. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

7. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

8. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

9. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

10. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

11. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

12. My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

13. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

14. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

15. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

16. Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

17. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

18. Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.

19. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

20. Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

21. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.

22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

23. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

25. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

26. I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

27. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

28. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

29. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

30. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

32. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

33. What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

34. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

35. How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

36. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

37. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

38. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

39. I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

40. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

41. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

42. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.

43. You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

44. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

45. What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.

46. I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

47. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

48. Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

49. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
 
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