The New joke thread

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by deuce, Jul 27, 2020.

  1. deuce

    deuce Mentally Challenged
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    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
    They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
    The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
    She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
    After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."
    The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
    The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."
     
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    • deuce

      deuce Mentally Challenged
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      • Treebeard

        Treebeard Oops, just stepped on a Lorax.
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        • Treebeard

          Treebeard Oops, just stepped on a Lorax.
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          According to Sigmund Freud, what comes between fear and sex?

          fünf
           
          • Treebeard

            Treebeard Oops, just stepped on a Lorax.
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            • deuce

              deuce Mentally Challenged
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              • AuggieDosta

                AuggieDosta I Don't Re Member

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                Nice.
                 
                • Treebeard

                  Treebeard Oops, just stepped on a Lorax.
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                • deuce

                  deuce Mentally Challenged
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                  • B52G8rAC

                    B52G8rAC Well-Known Member
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                    Two uncultured men from the North were driving from Atlanta to Montgomery to give a lecture a the Air War College. On the way they started a discussion about how to pronounce the name of a small town they were approaching, Opelika. One said it must be pronounced "Oh pell a ca" like it is spelled. The other said it was probably more like "Oh pee licker", since it was Alabama. When they got to the exit, they decided to go to a fast food place for a milkshake and settle it by asking a local. They got to the order window, ordered their shakes and then said to the young lady taking their order that they had been arguing about the pronunciation of the place for 50 miles and could she please tell them how the locals said it. She look perplexed and then disgusted and said, "Y'all must be Yankees, huh? Its is pronounced Dayree Queen."
                     
                    • Jake from State Farm

                      Jake from State Farm I'm wearing Khakis, why?

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                      There were two nuns:
                      One of them was known as Sister Mathematical(SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical(SL) .
                      It was getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
                      SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
                      SL: It's logical. He wants us.
                      SM:Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
                      SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later...
                      SM: It's not working.
                      SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
                      SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
                      SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
                      So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
                      Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical
                      Then Sister Logical arrives.
                      SM:Sister Logical Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
                      SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
                      SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
                      SL : I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
                      SM : And?
                      SL : He reached me.
                      SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
                      SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
                      SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
                      SL : He pulled down his pants.
                      SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
                      SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
                       
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                      • TLB

                        TLB Just chillin'
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                        The story of the three legged chickens

                        Once, a traveling salesman was driving down a country road on his way to the next town and possible sales. As he is driving along, he notices a trail of dust in his rear view mirror that is rapidly approaching his car. As he continues down the road he glances down at his speedometer which is at 40 mph, he decides to step on the gas since there is no posted speed limit. The speck of dust in the distance quickly catches up to the salesman's car and soon it is at his rear bumper. He stares at the dust cloud and to his astonishment it is a chicken running along side his car.

                        The salesman cannot let a chicken beat him so he puts his foot to the floor but the chicken not only catches up, but speeds off ahead of the salesman leaving him far behind as the trail of dust (and the chicken) circle around a bend in the road. The salesman corners the bend and sees that the trail veered off the road onto a small farm. Unable to control his curiosity, the salesman slams on his brakes and turns off the road where he comes to stop at a humble farmhouse. There he see's a farmer working on a tractor near the barn.

                        He walks up to the farmer and introduces himself, remarking about his encounter with the chicken on the road, asking the farmer if he knew anything about such an animal.

                        The farmers says "Well, ya see I like chicken legs".

                        "Yeah go on", the salesman encouraged...

                        "And my wife, well she likes chicken legs" the farmer continued ...

                        "What does that have to do with ... " the salesman interrupted ...

                        And my son, well, hehe, he likes chicken legs too" the farmer replied .

                        The city salesman at this point can no longer contain himself and demands that the farmer explain what this all has to do with the chicken.

                        The farmer calmly looks at the salesman and says ""Well, we thought it was awfully wasteful to kill two chickens for one dinner so we decided to breed a chicken that has three legs."

                        The salesman can hardly contain himself thinking he could become rich with such a product. Great, but how does it taste, he asks...

                        The farmer thinks for a bit and the looks at him straight in in the eye smiles and says "Don't know... can't catch em".
                         
                      • TLB

                        TLB Just chillin'
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                        I tried a new sex position called Brexit.

                        You promise to pull out but you don't.
                         
                        • TLB

                          TLB Just chillin'
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                          -Why havent aliens visited our solar system yet?

                          -They looked at the reviews... only 1 star.
                           
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                          • TLB

                            TLB Just chillin'
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                            -Why are the Spanish so good at football?

                            -Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
                             
                            • TLB

                              TLB Just chillin'
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                              "A guy is driving home one day and hears a voice that says "Sell your car, sell your house, take all the money and go to Vegas." He thinks it's weird, and that he's imagining things.

                              Same thing happens the next day, and then again, every day for weeks. Finally after about a month he decides to do it. Sells his car, his house, takes all the money and flies to Vegas.

                              As soon as he gets off the plane, the voice says "Go to Caesars." He does, and the voice says "Go to the roulette tables." He does and is getting excited now.

                              The voice says "Bet everything on 10." He does, he's got $400K at 35 to 1 odds. His heart is in his throat as the ball spins, and it comes to a stop. On 28.

                              The voice says. "Aw ****."
                               
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                              • TLB

                                TLB Just chillin'
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                                Why is China the best at Baseball?

                                The took out half the world with one bat!
                                 
                                • Nalt

                                  Nalt Member

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                                  Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

                                  The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
                                  because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

                                  The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
                                  inside them is color coded."

                                  The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
                                  everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

                                  The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers
                                  ...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over
                                  at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

                                  But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
                                  wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no
                                  heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
                                   
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                                  • B52G8rAC

                                    B52G8rAC Well-Known Member
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                                    Things I learned in Kindergarten. Variation of a theme:
                                    DamnedYankee is one word.
                                    DamnedYankees are no good.
                                    No DamnedYankee is any good.
                                    There are no good DamnedYankees.
                                    All Yankees ares good and damned. (The first word in this sentence is misspelled for poetic effect)
                                     
                                  • Gator By Marriage

                                    Gator By Marriage A convert to Gatorism
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                                    I was told once that there were four kinds of Yankees:
                                    Yankees
                                    Damned Yankees
                                    Good Damned Yankees
                                    Real Good Damned Yankees

                                    They are described as follows: Yankees are people from the north who come down to the south. Damned Yankees are people from the North who come down to the south and stay. Good Damned Yankees are people from the north who come down to the south, stay, and move back. Real Good Damned Yankees are people from the north who come down to the south, stay, move back, and take another Yankee with them.
                                     

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