The New joke thread
- Thread starter deuce
- Start date
- Feb 15, 2016
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And the people in Pennsylvania don't know why that's funny.
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
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Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
- Jun 12, 2014
- 8,959
- 32,432
Founding Member
Two British explorers were captured by Tribesmen deep in the Congo and taken to the Tribe’s village. The explorers were tied to two adjacent trees where they could see the Tribesmen piling wood up for a great bonfire. It was nerve racking to say the least.
At dark, the fire was lit and hundreds of the Tribesmen danced around the fire, yelling and chanting while shaking their spears at the explorers, who were deep in prayer by this time. Finally the Tribal Chieftain came up and the tribe got immediately quiet. The Chief walked over to the first explorer and said “you want death, or Mabutu?” The explorer thought about his wife and children and thought that whatever Mabutu was, he’d still be alive and could make his way back. Mabutu it was.
The Chief turned to the Tribesmen and declared “him say Mabutu!” The Tribesmen went berserk, screaming and dancing and then grabbed the explorer and held him down while the entire tribe had a turn buggerring him! When they finished, the explorer crawled feebly off into the jungle. The other explorer, having no family, decided at that moment that there were some things worse than death and intended to die with his dignity.
As before, the Chief walked up and asked “you want death or Mabutu?” With his chin up and a stiff upper lip, the second explorer proclaimed “I choose death!” The Chief then turned to the Tribesmen and shouted “him say death!”……But first, Mabutu!!!
At dark, the fire was lit and hundreds of the Tribesmen danced around the fire, yelling and chanting while shaking their spears at the explorers, who were deep in prayer by this time. Finally the Tribal Chieftain came up and the tribe got immediately quiet. The Chief walked over to the first explorer and said “you want death, or Mabutu?” The explorer thought about his wife and children and thought that whatever Mabutu was, he’d still be alive and could make his way back. Mabutu it was.
The Chief turned to the Tribesmen and declared “him say Mabutu!” The Tribesmen went berserk, screaming and dancing and then grabbed the explorer and held him down while the entire tribe had a turn buggerring him! When they finished, the explorer crawled feebly off into the jungle. The other explorer, having no family, decided at that moment that there were some things worse than death and intended to die with his dignity.
As before, the Chief walked up and asked “you want death or Mabutu?” With his chin up and a stiff upper lip, the second explorer proclaimed “I choose death!” The Chief then turned to the Tribesmen and shouted “him say death!”……But first, Mabutu!!!
- Jul 23, 2014
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My cousin is a JW - we’ve had many ‘spirited’ conversations. I think he’d like that joke.
- Dec 31, 2018
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Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
- Jun 11, 2014
- 6,899
- 6,169
Founding Member
- Jun 12, 2014
- 8,959
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Founding Member
- Jul 20, 2014
- 20,414
- 15,431
While serving in Vietnam, my friend and his buddies were hunkered down in a mud-filled hole that had been dug into the side of a berm and covered with lumber for protection. Their one extravagance: a bare light bulb they’d hung from the “ceiling.” One guy was reading a newspaper article from back home about a congressional investigation into why some troops were living in relative luxury. The guy put down the paper, turned to my friend, and said, “Well, there goes the light bulb.”
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
"An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
He looked at the woman and laughed,
"Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No ... I never did dance ... Never really wanted to"
A crowd has gathered as the young gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old bag, you're gonna dance now!", and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector - not wanting to have her toes blown off- started hopping around. Many were laughing.
When his last bullet was fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd immediately stopped laughing.
The gunslinger heard the sounds too, and turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched tensely as he stared at the woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in her hands as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am, but I've always wanted too"
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid."
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
He looked at the woman and laughed,
"Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No ... I never did dance ... Never really wanted to"
A crowd has gathered as the young gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old bag, you're gonna dance now!", and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector - not wanting to have her toes blown off- started hopping around. Many were laughing.
When his last bullet was fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd immediately stopped laughing.
The gunslinger heard the sounds too, and turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched tensely as he stared at the woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in her hands as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am, but I've always wanted too"
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid."
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take all my money to the afterlife.”
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”
She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.” She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”
She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.” She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”
- Feb 15, 2016
- 6,057
- 11,260
An old Scotsman called his son the week before Christmas to tell him he was divorcing his wife of 50 years; couldn't put up with her another second. The son, shocked, pleaded with his dad to reconsider and at least wait for him to come talk. The old man said no, he had made up his mind. The son begged again and said he would call his sister and they would drive up right away. The old man said that would be OK. After the call he looked at his wife, smiled and told her the kids would be home for Christmas and they didn't even have pay for the trips.
