The New joke thread

[Spectator]

"New UAB head coach Trent Dilfer introducing himself to the cheerleaders with his Super Bowl ring."

 

[Jake from State Farm]

 

[Nalt]

Men's help line
Hello, you have reached the 'Men's Help Line.' My name is Don. How can I help you?"

"Hi Don, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; the phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night at about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.

When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoned her blouse, then took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

 

[Bushmaster]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take all my money to the afterlife.”
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”
She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.” She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

True story. My grandmother and I had an inside joke every year she would ask me what I wanted for Christmas and I always told her a million dollars. She would always say "me too". When she passed, I wrote her a check for $1,000,000 and slid it into her casket.

She and my great grandmother were the only two people to ever truly love me.

 

[Gator By Marriage]

True story. My grandmother and I had an inside joke every year she would ask me what I wanted for Christmas and I always told her a million dollars. She would always say "me too". When she passed, I wrote her a check for $1,000,000 and slid it into her casket.

She and my great grandmother were the only two people to ever truly love me.

We love you too Bush.

 

[cover2]

We love you too Bush.

I can honestly say I’ve never not loved Bush

 

[B52G8rAC]

Keep in mind the following may have some relationship to reality.
An Air Force project manager (O-6) for a new computer wargaming system had been traveling in a lot Major Command headquarters trying to drum up enthusiasm for the project. His administrative officer (O-3) traveled with him acting as note taker, gofer, and driver. On the way to fourth briefing and Q&A of the week, the captain mentioned to the colonel that he had heard the briefing so many times he could give it. The colonel said that sounded like a good idea and when they got to MAJCOM building, they switched blouses. In a surprise move, the MAJCOM Commander (O-10) attended the presentation. After the canned portion of the talk, the admin officer opened the floor to questions. The first one came from the General. He asked if the hexagonal boundaries in the Mclintock Theater Model provided sufficient fidelity to depict heavy concentrations of armor crossing the battle lines. This from an Air Force General (who was a West Point grad.) The Captain hadn't a clue, but like all mentally agile pilots calmly responded with, "General, that really is a simplistic question. As a matter of fact, the answer is so obvious, I am going to let my admin officer answer it."

 

[Jake from State Farm]

 

[Turk182]

Sorry, but I need to vent!!!!

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a shop in Athlone
I don't want to mention the name of the shop because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.
On Saturday I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 48 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund.
The girl in the shop told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me "NO."
I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK."

No refund.
No FREE replacement.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrereerr. .
I''ll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again!!

 

[Jake from State Farm]

 

[Gatordiddy]

 

[Nalt]

After digging to a depth of 10 feet last year outside Buffalo, New York, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years.
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly afterward, a story in the LA Times read, "California archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.
One week later, a local newspaper in Montgomery, Alabama reported, "After digging 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Prattville, Alabama, Andrew Bullock, a heck of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Andrew has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Alabama had already gone wireless.
Just makes a person proud to live in Alabama!!!

 

[Nalt]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she."

 

[AugustaGator]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she."

Not a very smart man. Some battles aren’t worth winning.

 

[jdh5484]

 

[Nalt]

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats

 

[wrpgator]

Dear Abby:

When I was a child, my father cheated on my Mom and didn't love my family.

Later, my parents divorced.

Soon after, my mother died in a car accident.

My brother and I could only live in my grandma's old house.

Grandma's sister was an alcoholic.

The whole family lived on my grandma's savings.

Grandma recently died.

My Uncle Andy is barely keeping himself out of jail from day to day.

My brother left home and won't talk to us any more.

Dad, now 73, had to go to work to support the family and eventually he is going to want me to do the same thing.

Yours sincerely,


Prince William

 

[grengadgy]

Might be a repeat........

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,
"I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying,
" Have a good day, Sir "...

 

[Nalt]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.


The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...


"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in IOWA and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"

 

[Nalt]

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of rum. He drinks the rum then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his kilt and says, "Secret Service."