The New joke thread

[Nalt]

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl,

so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly,

she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart

since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone,

she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said,

"your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night, ........

Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee...

 

[Nalt]

Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.

Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7
P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such
beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off myexpensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying - - - -

wear an old dress."

 

[Nalt]

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions -- but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect p*nis."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera -- we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."

 

[grengadgy]

An elderly woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait:

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with that classic patronizing smirk and asked,
“What’s your hurry?”

She replied. “I’m late for work.”

“Oh yeah.” Said the cop, ‘what do you do?”

“I’m a R*ctum Stretcher.” She responded.

The cop stammered. “A what?”

“A Rctum Stretcher!”

“And just what does a r*ctm stretcher do?”

“Well.” She said.

“I start by inserting one finger in the r*ctum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in and then I slowly, but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6-foot a*sehole?” He asked.

“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge!”

 

[grengadgy]

An elderly texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
“This is from the gentleman seated over there,” indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:

“For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.”
After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read:
“For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, and a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen, Colorado and Miami and a 10,000-acre ranch in Texas There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.
Just send the bottle back!!!

 

[Gatordiddy]

 

[Nalt]

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida,
California, and Texas

Governors' offices, asked whether people who live in
their state think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

 

[Gator By Marriage]

Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

[cover2]

Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Looked something like this?

 

[wrpgator]

 

[Nalt]

A retired man went into the job center in Downtown Denver and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the Gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the Gynecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is $165,000 and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

"Good grief!" The retired man cried in dismay. "Is that where the job is?"

"No sir," deadpanned the clerk. "That's where the end of the line is right now."

 

[grengadgy]

 

[deuce]

Confucius say: Woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot is very unsanitary.

 

[deuce]

Confucius say: Man who sticks Cock in tail pipe, have Hot Rod.

 

[B52G8rAC]

Confucius say: Woman who flies inverted have crack up.

 

[Gator By Marriage]

Confucius say: He who farts in church sits in his own pew.

 

[Jake from State Farm]

This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between
Limerick and Cork.

"About two hours," says the conductor.

"OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?"

The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why'd you
think there'd be a difference?"

"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year,
but it's a friggin' long time between New Year and Christmas!"

 

[Jake from State Farm]

The Pentagon recently found it had too many Generals and offered an
early retirement bonus. They promised any General who retired right away,
his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight
line along the retiring General's body between two points he chose.

The first General accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from
the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a
check = for $720,000.

The second General asked them to measure from the tip of his
outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first General had tipped off the third. When he was
asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis
to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine but
he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the General to drop 'em... he did...
The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the General's penis
and began to work back. "My God!", he said, "where are your testicles?"
The General replied, "back in Vietnam!"

 

[Jake from State Farm]

 

[Gatordiddy]