The New joke thread


SAC Trained Warrior
Lifetime Member
Feb 15, 2016
In honor of IWD.
An airliner had just reached cruising altitude when a sudden and violent explosion rippled through the cabin. The Captain announced that the number one engine had exploded and the plane was going to crash. In the front of the jet a young woman stood up sobbing and screamed, "I am so young and have never been with a man; can someone treat me like a woman before I die?" In the back row, a strapping specimen of adult manhood got out of his seat and started running toward the maiden, unbuttoning his shirt as he went. By the time he reached the front, he had his shirt removed. He took the young woman's hand, placed the shirt in it an said, "Iron this with light starch and back creases."


Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."


Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
There was a church that had a VERY big-busted organist! Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled when she played.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled and decided that something had to be done about it or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached the organist and very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons (if you eat green persimmons they make you pucker because they are so sour!) and rub them on her breasts and maybe that would make them shrink in size. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said,....."Dew to thicircumstanthis bewond my conwol we will not hath a thermon tewday!!"


SAC Trained Warrior
Lifetime Member
Feb 15, 2016
A middle aged couple had just left a party where they had been in a small verbal altercation. The car was very quite on the way home until the husband noticed the flashing lights in the rear view mirror. He pulled over and one the states finest appeared at the door asking for license and registration. Husband looked at his wife and said, "hand me the registration and I don't want to hear another word from you." The wife complied and the officer looked at her and asked, "is he always this rude?" She answered, "Not usually, only when he's been drinking."


Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
Two nuns, Sister Dulce and Sister Andrea, are on their way back from the market one evening.

It’s already very late, and they have quite a distance left before reaching their convent.

Suddenly, Sister Dulce grabs hold of Sister Andrea’s arm. “Is it just me,” she asks, “or is that man following us?!”

Sister Andrea glances over her shoulder, then whispers back. “I think he might be, yes!” “What do you think he wants?!”

Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea. “He’s going to rape us! What should we do?!”

I know,” replies Sister Dulce. “We’ll split up. I’ll take the left road to the convent, and you take the one on the right.”

The nuns part ways, and a few minutes later, Sister Dulce arrives at the convent.

She starts pacing in front of the door, worried that some terrible fate has befaIIen the other nun.

Then, just as Sister Dulce is about to give up hope, she sees Sister Andrea running up the path.

“What happened?!” asks Sister Dulce.

“Well,” replies Sister Andrea, “I started running, and the man started chasing me.”

“Oh, no! Then what?!”

“He caught up to me.” Sister Dulce gasps.

“What did you do?!” “The only thing I could do,” Sister Andrea answers.

“I lifted up my dress.”

“What did the man do?!”

“He dropped his pants.”

Sister Dulce clutches her rosary, terrified of what she’s about to hear next.

“Then… then what happened?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea. “A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down.”


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Jun 11, 2014
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Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
An Irish aviator was getting worried being overdue, and not being able to find the air base in rapidly deteriorating weather.
"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you direct me to the nearest air base,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds broke, and the sun shone brightly on a large air base below.
Without hesitation, the aviator said, "Never mind, I found one."


Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and
all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw
her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been
waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.


The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch
th Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I
lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around
the world. We were on vacation in Cancun__ and I went water skiing today.
I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.



Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub
for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the
vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said,
"So why are you here?"
The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on
everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the
kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed
in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the
chocolate Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked,
"Why are you here?"
The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under
fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the
Hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But
I went over the line last night when I dug a great big
hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going t! o do to you?" the black Lab
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected
yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked,
"Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump
anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table,
fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I
just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started humping away".

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance
and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"
The black Lab said.... "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

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