The New joke thread

Treebeard

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin,
when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!"
shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says,
"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,
"Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks,
"Did that sound cross enough?
 
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grengadgy

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Might be a MOM......But here goes.....



There are many things in life that are terrifying, but one of the most anxiety-inducing is the prospect of being audited by the IRS. Though most of us would find being audited to be no laughing matter, for the grandpa in this story, it was the perfect time to laugh.

When the grandfather in this story was audited, he fired back with an attorney and a plan. He then managed to flip the script on his auditor and come out laughing in the end!

It all started when the IRS auditor audited the grandpa and called him into his office. He was not surprised when the grandpa showed up with his attorney.

“Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,” the auditor said. “Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” the grandpa replied. “How about a demonstration?”

After thinking for a moment, the auditor said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

“I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye,” the grandpa said.

The auditor once again thought for a minute and said, “It’s a bet.”

The grandpa then took out his glass eye and bit it, causing the auditor’s jaw to drop.

“Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye,” the grandpa said.

The auditor could now tell that the Grandpa isn’t blind, so he took the bet. Grandpa then took out his dentures and bit his good eye.

At this point, the auditor realized that he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. This caused him to start to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asked. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

After being burned twice, the auditor had grown cautious, but he looked carefully and decided that there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agreed again.

Standing beside the desk, the grandpa unzipped his pants, but although he strained mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ended up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor jumped with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moaned and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asked.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
 

Jake from State Farm

I'm wearing Khakis, why?
Sep 6, 2014
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103 passengers and just 40 meals were loaded on a flight from Montreal to Varadero.
The crew didn't know what to do.
However, the Chief of Staff had an idea. After about 30 minutes of the flight, she nervously announced:
- "I don't know how it happened, but we have 103 passengers and only 40 dinners." "
And then she added :
-“Anyone who is gentle and kind-hearted enough to donate their food to someone else will receive free and unlimited beverage and liquor for the entire flight.
Her next announcement came two hours later:
- "If anyone wants to change their minds we still have 40 meals available"
Moral of the story :
"Drunk people have a VERY big heart!!! "
 
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grengadgy

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An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
 

B52G8rAC

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Apropos of Resurrection Sunday:
Several churches in the Midwest were having huge problems with squirrels over running their sanctuary. Squirrels everywhere. After a whole season of dealing with the cute, furry, rodents three of the congregations seemed to have solved the problem. Anxious to share their success with all the churches in the area, they held a convocation to explain the methods used. First up was the Presbyterian minister. He first said that their approach acknowledged the sanctity of all life and the wonderous power of the Creator, even with squirrels. Their approach was to hire a pest control firm that use baits and live traps to humanely catch and then relocate the poor animals to an area in Tulsa close to Oral Roberts University. Next up was the Lutheran pastor who allowed the indeed God created the pesky creatures but for the good of His people. They urged hunter in the flock to shoot the squirrels and when enough had been stored, held a potluck for the congregation featuring fried squirrel. The Baptist pastor then explained their approach. First he acknowledged the humane and practical ways the other two churches had dealt with the problem. Then he said we took a very economical track. All the squirrels in the building were baptized and made members of the church and now they only show up for Easter and Christmas.
 

grengadgy

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340894814_973646937413480_2231985207525044766_n.jpg
 

TLB

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Not a joke, but a story relayed to us by a friend. They had a house of 3 boys. One at an age of about 3-4 was in there awhile longer than usual. Apparently someone had talked to him about when it is taking awhile, lean on a song and 'push' to help get the rhythm going. After about 10min they heard him singing to himself in there. "Yes, Jesus loves me....>UHG<....Yes, Jesus loves me....>UHG<..."
 

grengadgy

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An Old Biker”....
So an 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in....
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"....
The old timer said, "I'm a biker and that's why I'm in such good shape”....
“I'm up well before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, wildest mountains I can find at the crack of dawn”....
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"....
The old biker said, "Who said my dad's dead?"....
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"....
The old biker said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive... he's a biker too”....
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it”...
How about your dad's dad?....
How old was he when he died?....
The old biker said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"....
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!”....
“How old is he?"....
The old biker replied, "He's 117 years old”....
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went riding with you this Sunday too?"....
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married”....
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!!”....
“Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"....
To this the old biker smiled
1f601.png
and answered,
"Who said he wanted to?"
☺️
 

Nalt

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Jul 23, 2020
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A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City.
He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked: "What kind of bra?"

He repeated: "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish
bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many
requests for them as we used to.

Mostly of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the
Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked: "So, what are the
differences?"

The saleslady responded: "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra
supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen. The
Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmmm. I know I'll
regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."
 

Nalt

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
 

Nalt

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An Old North Dakota farmer got pulled over by a N. Dakota State trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing it, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Havin' some problems with circle flies there, are Ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well, yeah, if
that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."

So the old N. Dakota farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies 'cause they're almost always found circlin' around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's @ss?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horse's @ss."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
 

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