The New joke thread


SAC Trained Warrior
Lifetime Member
Feb 15, 2016
So, back in the good ole days of the Cold War, just when Perestroika had broken out, there was a push to increase trade with the Soviets. One of the first companies to get on board was the Trojan prophylactic folks. They offered to sell the Russki's their ubiquitous birth control/STD prevention devices. The Soviets accepted and when the order came in it was for 12 Million sheaths measuring 12 inches long and 4 inches in diameter. The Trojan management was astounded and didn't know how to respond. After consulted with a former Marine on the Board, they gladly produced the requested devices, packaged them and shipped them to Moscow. All the wrappers were stamped "Medium."


Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist..

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........



Founding Member
Well-Known Member
Lifetime Member
Jun 11, 2014
Founding Member

So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs.

I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.


Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused, then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"


Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller, and checked the caller I.D. for which neighbor had called.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't have a dog."


Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and
go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya Ole, I am
going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close
the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic
and take care of our patients".
"Yes, sir..." answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day
and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?"

Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients. The
first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.
"Bravo ya Ole, and the second one?" says the
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him
MAALOX, sir" says Ole.
"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what;
about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door
opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses
herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies
down on the table spread her legs and shouts: HELP
ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"
And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.
"I put eye drops in her eyes."


Well-Known Member
Lifetime Member
Sep 6, 2019

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon . . . . . . . . .You got Nice house."


Well-Known Member
Jul 23, 2020
To: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, and future Floridians or those who know a Floridian.

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would
prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan
Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck and remember: It's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come. Really!


Well-Known Member
Lifetime Member
Sep 6, 2019
Returning from his first trip to Mars, astronaut Jones is approached by ground control commander Smith.

Smith: How was your flight to Mars, Jones? Are there any Martians there?

Jones: A fine trip…Yes, there are Martians, lots of them.

Smith: What do they look like?

Jones: Well, they look a lot like humans on Earth. There's one big difference though.

Smith: What's that?
Jones: The females have their breasts on their back.

Smith: On their back?!? That must look very strange!

Jones: Yes it does look strange, but I gotta tell's great for dancing.
Last edited:

Jake from State Farm

I'm wearing Khakis, why?
Sep 6, 2014
A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.  She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"  The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. 
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."  "But I didn't use them."  'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."  "But I didn't go to any of those shows.."  "Well, we have them, and you could have."  No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.  After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.  "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"  "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."  "But I didn't!"  "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."


SAC Trained Warrior
Lifetime Member
Feb 15, 2016
In a 10th grade biology class, the teacher opened by asking, "What organ of the human body can expand by 7 and 12 times from its resting state when stimulated correctly?" A young lady in the back row immediately grew bright red and replied, "Mr. Jones, I have never been more embarrassed in my life. How can you ask such a question and who would answer such smut? You should be ashamed. Wait until I tell my Father." Mr. Jones, somewhat chagrined, finally looked at the young woman and said, "Ms. Smith, from your response to my question I can ascertain three things about you. First, you did not read last night's assignment. The correct answer is the pupil of the eye. Second, your mind is in the gutter and you should read better literature. Third, one day you will be a very disappointed woman."


Well-Known Member
Lifetime Member
Sep 6, 2019
A Weary traveler walking through the hills of Tennessee stops at a farmhouse late one dark & stormy evening and knocks on the door. The farmer opens the door and the traveler asks, “I will work on your farm if you only let me sleep in the barn”. “No”, the farmer says, “ You look tired, I’ll feed you and you can stay in the house here.” So he invites him in, feeds him a great dinner. Next morning, traveler gets up and has a big breakfast…”I will work for you. I can paint, I can repair your roof, I can pull the plow, weed the garden to repay you…I can do anything!”

“Not necessary”, says the Tennessee farmer, “you don't have to work. We owe it to humanity to take care of weary travelers.”

Traveler tries one more time: “May I talk to the animals? I have a talent, I can talk with them and see if they’re happy…believe me!” Farmer thinks ‘okay this guy’s a little kooky—'talk to the animals’ he says, but, why not…’

“Well, sure if you want to talk to the animals, go right ahead.”

“Okay, great! Thank you!”

After about an hour the traveler comes back...”Listen, I talked to the horses--you changed the bits from oval to triangular, didn't you? It hurts them & they can't pull as much...they’d like you to change back to oval.”

“You're Right! I did change the bits a few weeks ago! I didn’t know it bothered them…I'll change the bits back to oval! Thanks!”

I talked to the cows, you changed the milking machines to 36 pulses per minute from 28, it's very uncomfortable for them and they are sore...they asked me to tell you to change it back to 28, they’ll be more contented and produce more milk for you.”

”You're right! I did speed the machines up! This is amazing! I'll change it back to 28! Thanks!”

“And then I talked to the sheep.... “


(Buddy Hackett on Johnny Carson, 1990)

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