The New joke thread

[wrpgator]

In memory of the late, great Rogdochar...
~~~
A paraprosdokian is a sentence or statement with an unexpected ending. It means "against expectations" in Greek.

Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There's no menu - you get what you deserve.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn't find any.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
A maybe.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?
I don't know and don't really care.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: "That's the last thing I need!"

Need an ark?
I Noah guy.

You're not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I'm okay.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.

To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero.
Thanks for nothing!

Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
Dad: "No sun."

 

[Nalt]

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

 

[stephenPE]

 

[RiverRat]

 

[Jake from State Farm]

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land....

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. An undertaker told them "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend $150?" The man said "A man died 2,000 years ago. He was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

 

[Spectator]

 

[Nalt]

All the members of the company’s Board of Directors were called into the Chairman’s office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.

Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.

The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:
“Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?”

“Oh, no, sir, positively not…!” Ted replied.

“Are you absolutely sure…?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her…!”

“You’d swear to that…?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere…” insisted Ted.


“Good, then you fire her!”

 

[Jake from State Farm]

 

[cover2]

View attachment 59308

In my younger years, I’d swear my wife authored this!

 

[RiverRat]

"A wife texted her husband a romantic message-"

"If you are dreaming, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back, “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

 

[Jake from State Farm]

Good-bye Grandpa
A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

 

[Jake from State Farm]

BEWARE OF OLD GUYS
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
'I was behind you at McDonalds'

 

[Spectator]

 

[Spectator]

Me - "I would like an ice cream."
McDonald's employee - "Chocolate or Vanilla?"
Me - "I don't know, I didn't think I'd get this far."

 

[Jake from State Farm]

 

[Turk182]

Things I've Learned from my Children
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin has a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
8 out of 10 men who read this will try the Clorox and Brake Fluid.

 

[Gator By Marriage]

Guy goes to see his doctor and the doctor says “I’ve got bad news and worse news.” The guy responds, “Oh my goodness doctor; what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says “you have a terminal disease and you only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible news doc; what could possibly be worse news?”
The doctor says, “I’ve been trying to get ahold of you since yesterday.”

 

[Spectator]

 

[B52G8rAC]

Oldie but still relevant. Why do the Cowboys use a no huddle offense? Known felons cant associate with each othe.

 

[Nalt]

Ol boy goes in a bar and orders a drink. He looks up and sees 3-1 gal jars filled with money. One is full of $5 bills, the other, $10 bills and the 3rd, $20 bills.
He orders a shot.
He then asks the barmaid about the 3 jars.
She says, the one with $5 bills...See that real big dude at the end of the bar, he's a dick and meaner than a junk yard dog,
Anyone who can take him out with 1 punch can have that jar.
Dude orders another shot.
The $10 bills... hear that barking Pit Bull out back? He's got an rotten tooth and anyone who can go out there and pull his tooth gets that jar.
Dude nods and orders another shot.
Now, that jar of $20 bills... there's an old whore upstairs who hasn't had an orgasm in 20 years. Anyone who can make her cum, gets that jar.
Dude shoots back another whisky, stands up, walks down to the end of the bar and cold cocks the big dude...he's out cold.
Dude orders another shot, shoots it then heads out the back door for the dog.
The place gets quiet and everyone is focused on the back door.
Barking turns into growls and snarls, ripping and shredding then, you can hear the dog whimper ...it gets real quiet out back.
The ol boy knocks open the back door, steps inside, shirt half ripped off, bloody... and he says
ight, where's that whore with the rotten tooth?