The New joke thread
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- Start date
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,825
- 18,679
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered the door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." said one trooper...
"Tell me, please! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay..."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "Well, what's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." said one trooper...
"Tell me, please! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay..."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "Well, what's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,825
- 18,679
My grandfather passed away and at the funeral I asked my grandmother......grandmother, what happened? I thought granddad was in pretty good shape for his age....even if he was 92 years old.
My grandmother told me it happened on Sunday morning. She told me they were making love when it happened. I couldn't believe what she told me. I mentioned to her....92 years old and you two were making love???!!!
She said every Sunday morning....in rhythm with the church bells. Ding......dong.....ding....dong. In with the ding....out with the dong.
I couldn't believe what she just told me.......
With tears in her eyes she said my grandfather would still be here today if it wasn't for that ice cream truck ringing it's bell!!!!
My grandmother told me it happened on Sunday morning. She told me they were making love when it happened. I couldn't believe what she told me. I mentioned to her....92 years old and you two were making love???!!!
She said every Sunday morning....in rhythm with the church bells. Ding......dong.....ding....dong. In with the ding....out with the dong.
I couldn't believe what she just told me.......
With tears in her eyes she said my grandfather would still be here today if it wasn't for that ice cream truck ringing it's bell!!!!
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,825
- 18,679
Bob was excited about his new .308 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear, and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering it briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the same black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than to be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered.
Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down that grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it, Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the same black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than to be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered.
Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down that grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it, Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,825
- 18,679
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, “If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.” He raised an eyebrow and replied, “If you weren’t so ugly, it would lift itself”
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,825
- 18,679
A big game hunter went on safari with his wife and she insisted that her mother be invited as well.
The first morning, while deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and they started out into the bush to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: his mother-in-law was backed up against a big rock, and a large lion stood right in front of her.
The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the hunter-husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”
The first morning, while deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and they started out into the bush to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: his mother-in-law was backed up against a big rock, and a large lion stood right in front of her.
The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the hunter-husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”
- Jun 11, 2014
- 8,013
- 4,832
Founding Member
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’
Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull. And that’s a promise I will keep.
Always…
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’
Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull. And that’s a promise I will keep.
Always…
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,825
- 18,679
The police department in the small hill country town of Kerrville,Texas, reported finding a man's body last Saturday, early evening, in the Pedernales River near the state highway 87 bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive Bud Light consumption while visiting "someone" in Fredericksburg. When he was found, he was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes, and a Biden T-shirt.
The police removed the Biden T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive Bud Light consumption while visiting "someone" in Fredericksburg. When he was found, he was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes, and a Biden T-shirt.
The police removed the Biden T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,825
- 18,679
San Fransciso Tourist
A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking
around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized,
bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking
the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and
asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $1,000 for the story,"
said the wise old China man. The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars.
"I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed
that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun
following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began
walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his
horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began
squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats
now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him
faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as
he could into the Bay. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the
Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown "Ahhh," said the
owner, "You come back for story ?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking
around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized,
bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking
the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and
asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $1,000 for the story,"
said the wise old China man. The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars.
"I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed
that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun
following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began
walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his
horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began
squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats
now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him
faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as
he could into the Bay. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the
Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown "Ahhh," said the
owner, "You come back for story ?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
- Feb 15, 2016
- 6,069
- 11,302
A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot, asking him how it was in the war.
“Vell,” said the old guy, “vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem Krauts. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky.”
“For the benefit of our viewers,” interrupted the reporter, “we should explain that the term ‘fokker’ refers to a specific type of German fighter plane.”
“Vell ya,” said the old Scandinavian pilot, “but those fokkers were Messerschmitt’s.”
“Vell,” said the old guy, “vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem Krauts. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky.”
“For the benefit of our viewers,” interrupted the reporter, “we should explain that the term ‘fokker’ refers to a specific type of German fighter plane.”
“Vell ya,” said the old Scandinavian pilot, “but those fokkers were Messerschmitt’s.”
- Feb 15, 2016
- 6,069
- 11,302
This could go into the Kids will never know thread. Example of a run on punny joke:
Dale Evans bought a new pair of kangaroo hide western boots for her husband for Christmas. Handmade and embossed. Her husband thought they were the finest footwear ever constructed, wore them everywhere. After one afternoon ride on Trigger, he put the boots on the back porch to air out. A mountain lion grabbed them and ran off. Enraged, he set out to retrieve the boots, tracked down the animal, killed it and brought the carcass back to the ranch draped over Trigger. As he approached the house, his wife came out, looked at the dead feline and asked, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
Anybody else remember these type of jokes? Any examples?
Dale Evans bought a new pair of kangaroo hide western boots for her husband for Christmas. Handmade and embossed. Her husband thought they were the finest footwear ever constructed, wore them everywhere. After one afternoon ride on Trigger, he put the boots on the back porch to air out. A mountain lion grabbed them and ran off. Enraged, he set out to retrieve the boots, tracked down the animal, killed it and brought the carcass back to the ranch draped over Trigger. As he approached the house, his wife came out, looked at the dead feline and asked, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
Anybody else remember these type of jokes? Any examples?
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that correct?
Husband slumps down, swallows hard and mumbles: To be honest, I didn't ever know she sold Flowers......
Husband slumps down, swallows hard and mumbles: To be honest, I didn't ever know she sold Flowers......
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,825
- 18,679
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
'Hello?''Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause,
Daddy says :
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now..'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
And now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
And into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
Last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says :
'Swimming pool? ...........
Is this 305-486-57.........
'Hello?''Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause,
Daddy says :
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now..'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
And now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
And into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
Last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says :
'Swimming pool? ...........
Is this 305-486-57.........
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,825
- 18,679
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
