The New joke thread

[Jake from State Farm]

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game warden, he wanted to see my hunting permit. I showed him my N.C. permit, after which he proceeded to stick his finger up the deer's *******. He pulled his finger out and smelled it. The warden told me that the deer was a Virginia deer, and he wanted to see my Virginia permit. I had hunted in Norfolk, Virginia about two months ago, so I looked through my wallet and showed him my Virginia permit. He was very upset because he got some enjoyment from handing out fines to hunters without permits.

About one week later I was out hunting again on the same property. I was in a tree stand for almost seven hours before I spotted my first deer. I had a clean shot, and popped the deer right in the neck. While taking the deer back to my truck, the same perverted warden came up and insisted he be allowed to inspect the deer. He stuck his finger right up the deer's ass and then smelled and licked his finger. I was about to throw up. He told me that the deer was from South Carolina and he wanted my S.C. permit. I ran back to my truck and got the S.C. permit out of my glove compartment. This time the warden seemed even more upset then he did the last time. Of course he could not give me a ticket and he had to let me go.

I shot three more deer during the rest of the season, and every time he did the same thing. He stuck his finger up the deer's butt and told me that I needed I license from Georgia, Alabama, and then West Virginia. I had a permit for every state. He was so mad when I showed him my permit from West Virginia, I thought he was going to kill me. He said " Boy, you got a permit for every damn state in the South, Where the hell you from?"

I pulled down my pants and bent over, and then told the warden, "why don't you tell me!"

 

[Loogis]

A guy with a black eye gets on an airplane and sits down with another guy with a black eye.
“Hey you got a black eye too! What happened?”
The guy says, “well it was just a slip of the tongue. The lady at the ticket counter had these huge boobs, and when I asked for two tickets to Pittsburgh it came out ‘can I have two pickets to Tittsburgh?’ So she punched me.”
“No kidding?” The man replied, “same thing happened to me, a slip of the tongue. This morning at the breakfast table with my wife, instead of asking ‘will you please pass the Cheerios?’ it came out, ‘you ruined my life you f*ckin b!tch.’”

 

[deuce]

Q. Why do Florida State grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What does the average Florida State University student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: If you have a car containing a Seminoles wide receiver, a Seminoles linebacker, and a Seminoles defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

Q: What does a Florida State Seminoles fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.

Q: Why do Central Florida fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.

 

[deuce]

Q: What do you call 20 Vikings’ fans in the basement?
A: A Whine Cellar.

Q: What do the Atlanta Falcons and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q: How do you keep the Detroit Lions out of your front yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: What’s the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What happened to the joke that Jay Cutler told his receivers?
A. It went over their heads.

 

[deuce]

 

[deuce]

 

[deuce]

An old Irish Farmer sold his farm and decided to celebrate at the local Pub. He told the bartender, "set up drinks for everyone on me"! Everyone was served except for one rough looking woman sitting by herself. The Farmer said, "give her a drink", the bartender said "I don't think you should", "I'm buying drinks for everyone" he insisted! The bartender said "I don't think she wants your drink", "why" asked the farmer, "well, she's a lesbian..." the old farmer said "I don't care what religion she is, give her a drink". After a few rounds, the woman came over to thank the farmer for the drinks, "she said, "most people ignore me because I'm a lesbian", the farmer said "I don't care about your religion". The woman said "I don't think you understand, "see that blond woman, I'd take her home, take off her blouse and bra and kiss her breast...... see that dark haired woman, I'd take her home, slip her out of her skirt and panties and give her hell!" The woman walked away happy she had cleared the air..... As the bartender walked over, he noticed the old farmer softly sobbing.......... what's the problem buddy? To which the farmer answered with trembling lips, "I think I'm a Lesbian"!

 

[Jake from State Farm]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!! Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What for?' Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.' London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

 

[Durty South Swamp]

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game warden, he wanted to see my hunting permit. I showed him my N.C. permit, after which he proceeded to stick his finger up the deer's *******. He pulled his finger out and smelled it. The warden told me that the deer was a Virginia deer, and he wanted to see my Virginia permit. I had hunted in Norfolk, Virginia about two months ago, so I looked through my wallet and showed him my Virginia permit. He was very upset because he got some enjoyment from handing out fines to hunters without permits.

About one week later I was out hunting again on the same property. I was in a tree stand for almost seven hours before I spotted my first deer. I had a clean shot, and popped the deer right in the neck. While taking the deer back to my truck, the same perverted warden came up and insisted he be allowed to inspect the deer. He stuck his finger right up the deer's ass and then smelled and licked his finger. I was about to throw up. He told me that the deer was from South Carolina and he wanted my S.C. permit. I ran back to my truck and got the S.C. permit out of my glove compartment. This time the warden seemed even more upset then he did the last time. Of course he could not give me a ticket and he had to let me go.

I shot three more deer during the rest of the season, and every time he did the same thing. He stuck his finger up the deer's butt and told me that I needed I license from Georgia, Alabama, and then West Virginia. I had a permit for every state. He was so mad when I showed him my permit from West Virginia, I thought he was going to kill me. He said " Boy, you got a permit for every damn state in the South, Where the hell you from?"

I pulled down my pants and bent over, and then told the warden, "why don't you tell me!"

 

[CDGator]

 

[deuce]

 

[Nalt]

An 'older gentleman' was out fishing in his boat one day when he heard a
voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around but couldn't see any one. He thought
he had just imagined it, when he heard the voice again. "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog. The man
said, "Excuse me? Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me. I'll
turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and I'll give you more
pleasure than you've ever dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

The frog said, "What, are you crazy? Didn't you hear what I said? I said
kiss me and I will give you days and nights of pleasure like you've never had in
your life!"

The man looked down into his pocket at the frog and said, "Nah. At my age,
I'd rather have a talking frog."

 

[Nalt]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of Turpentine,
shaking it up and watching the bubbles.

A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he
had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the
world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is
Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a
pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and
rub it on a cat's @$$ and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

 

[deuce]

Steve and Mark are camping when a bear suddenly comes out of the Woods and growls. Steve starts putting on his tennis shoes.
Mark says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear!”
Steve says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear—I just have to outrun you!”

 

[deuce]

WYATT: What does “IDK” mean?
DECLAN: I don’t know.
WYATT: Ugh! Nobody does!

 

[Jake from State Farm]

A lumber yard was looking for a new salesperson and put an ad out. One day, a blind man walks in and asks for the job. When the manager laughed, the blind man says "I may be blind, but I'm the best lumberman you'll ever meet. I'll prove it to you. Bring me any piece of lumber on your site and by touch and smell alone, I can tell you anything there is to know about that wood.

Intrigued, the manager has a yard-hand bring in a plank and lays it out on the table in front of the blind man. He promptly begins to sniff the board and feel it all over. He says, "That's a 2x6 by 10' plank of mid-struct Douglas Fir. It was taken from a forest in mid Washington and milled by Lonnie's Lumber in Spokane."

The manager can't believe it. He brings in a sheet of panel wood and tries again. "That's a four by eight Red Cedar plywood from Oregon, milled at Bend Woodworks."

Dumbfounded, the manager checks the millmark and sure enough, this blind guy is right again. He brings in several more finished products and the stranger is right every single time!

"Okay, okay" he says, "You've got the job. I just have one more board I want you to check out. Now don't feel on it, just do that smell thing, I wanna see if you are the real deal."

"Sure thing" the blind man says. The manager then tells the yardman to go get that new secretary and bring her in here. The manager backs her in front of the blind guy and has him do his thing.

The man sniffs her up and down and looks a little confused. He speaks up and says "Turn it over so I can smell the other side."

They turn her around and the blind man takes another sniff and says "Oh I see, you guys are trying to pull a fast one on me. That's a chithouse door off a tuna boat!"

 

[Jake from State Farm]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?" The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would have to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin. Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this." The man says "In the alley way behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true. A few minutes pass and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands." The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

 

[Alumni Guy]

Patty Mac is getting hammered at his favorite Pub, O’Mallys in Dublin. He’s getting so drunk, the bartender cuts him off and tells him to go home.

Patty tries to get off his bar stool but falls flat on his face. He tries to stand, but he’s just too drunk.

He crawls to the door in an attempt to pick himself up, but just can’t get his legs under him.

fortunately, he lives a few doors down and he crawls all the way home. When he gets inside, he’s too drunk to climb into bed, so he passes out on the floor.

The next morning, Patty is woken up by his wife. She screams at him, “Ya got drunk at O’mallys again didn’t ya.”

patty, shaking off a helluva hangover says, “Aye, I did. How did ya know?”

O’mally’s called: You left your wheelchair there again.

 

[Nalt]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

[Nalt]

Just left Walmart where a lady with a basket full of TP asked me what kind of dog I had. I said a service dog. Very rudely she yells what type of service? I said he is a BLD. What's a BLD? She asked as she is allowing my dog to lick her face. With a straight face, I said "He is my butt licking dog ( BLD ). I can't find any toilet paper anywhere because of people like you hoarding the TP so he licks my *** clean...... The cashier lost it and walked away from the register.