- Jun 12, 2014
- 8,974
- 32,462
Founding Member
The New joke thread
- Thread starter deuce
- Start date
- Sep 6, 2019
- 8,948
- 28,282
LEROY OF DETROIT
In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher Asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, " I don't know. My hearing ain't 'til Thursday."
In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher Asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, " I don't know. My hearing ain't 'til Thursday."
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”
- Jan 6, 2015
- 14,136
- 26,531
I get your point. But, I'm thinking 'Domestic' is the only way they can advertise Bud products
Spectator
Well-Known Member
- Jan 15, 2021
- 913
- 1,667
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop door and asked 'How long until I can get a haircut?' The barber looks around his shop full of customers and says 'About two hours.' The guy says OK and leaves. A couple weeks later the guy comes back and asked 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looks around his shop and says 'About an hour and a half.' The guy says OK and leaves. The next week the same guy came back and asked 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber says 'About an hour.' The guy says OK and leaves. The barber gets curious and asked if anyone in the barber shop knows the guy. No one answers. So the barber asked his friend to follow the guy who kept asking but never returned for a haircut. A little while later his friend came back to the barber shop. The barber asked 'Where did he go?'
His friend said "Your house."
His friend said "Your house."
- Sep 6, 2019
- 8,948
- 28,282
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
- Jun 19, 2014
- 9,556
- 15,654
Founding Member
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,825
- 18,677
A DAY IN THE WEEK
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
“Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!”
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a d*** fine sermon... D*** good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so d***ed impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No ****?”
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman..
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.
“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.”
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa …
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
“Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!”
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a d*** fine sermon... D*** good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so d***ed impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No ****?”
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman..
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.
“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.”
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa …
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
- Jun 12, 2014
- 8,974
- 32,462
Founding Member
