The New joke thread

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by deuce, Jul 27, 2020.

  1. Jake from State Farm

    Jake from State Farm I'm wearing Khakis, why?

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    A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
    "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
    "NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
    The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
    "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
    "NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
    The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
    "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
    Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
    "Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"
     
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    • deuce

      deuce Mentally Challenged
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      After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
      Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
      P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
      S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

      P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
      S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

      P: Something loose in cockpit
      S: Something tightened in cockpit

      P: Dead bugs on windshield.
      S: Live bugs on back-order.

      P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
      S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

      P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
      S: Evidence removed.

      P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
      S: DME volume set to more believable level.

      P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
      S: That's what friction locks are for.

      P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
      S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

      P: Suspected crack in windshield.
      S: Suspect you're right.

      P: Number 3 engine missing.
      S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

      P: Aircraft handles funny.
      S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

      P: Target radar hums.
      S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

      P: Mouse in cockpit.
      S: Cat installed.

      P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
      S: Took hammer away from midget.
       
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      • jdh5484

        jdh5484 Just Beat UGa
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        FIFY
         
        #63 jdh5484, Oct 14, 2020
        Last edited: Nov 19, 2020
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        • Turk182

          Turk182 Go to guy!

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          newjoke.jpg
           
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          • CDGator

            CDGator Well-Known Member
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            With so many sporting events cancelled, they're going to televise the World Origami Championship. It's on Paperview.
             
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            • Jake from State Farm

              Jake from State Farm I'm wearing Khakis, why?

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              password.jpg
               
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              • Turk182

                Turk182 Go to guy!

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                • deuce

                  deuce Mentally Challenged
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                  A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

                  During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
                  Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
                  Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
                  About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
                  He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
                  He sat down and wrote :

                  Dear Mother:

                  I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the frying pan from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the frying pan .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

                  Love,

                  your son

                  Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

                  Dear Son:

                  I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the frying pan by now, under the pillow…

                  Love,

                  Mom.
                   
                  • deuce

                    deuce Mentally Challenged
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                    A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
                    Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
                    Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
                    Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
                    Man: ‟That's nice.”
                    Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
                    Man: ‟No, thanks.”
                    Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
                    Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
                    Boy: ‟$250.”
                    Man: OK, I'll buy it.

                    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

                    Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
                    Man: ‟Yes, it's..”
                    Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.”
                    Man: ‟That's nice.”
                    Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
                    Man: ‟No, thanks.”
                    Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.”
                    Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?”
                    Boy: ‟$750.”
                    Man: ‟Fine.”

                    A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!”
                    The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.”
                    The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
                    The son says, ‟$1,000.”
                    The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.”

                    They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

                    The boy says, ‟Dark in here.”
                    The priest says, ‟Don't start that chit again.”
                     
                    #69 deuce, Dec 3, 2020
                    Last edited: Dec 4, 2020
                    • deuce

                      deuce Mentally Challenged
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                      An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”
                      “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

                      “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

                      The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

                      She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.


                      The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Done! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"
                       
                      • Nalt

                        Nalt Well-Known Member
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                        A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
                        "What are you doing!?!" she exclaimed.
                        The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
                        Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
                        "What are you doing!?!" he exclaimed.
                        The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
                        A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
                        Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television, with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
                        "What are you doing?" she asked in shock. He replied, "What's it look like? I'm watching the game with my son-in-law."
                         
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                        • Turk182

                          Turk182 Go to guy!

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                          GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

                          1. Sag, you're It.
                          2. Hide and go pee.
                          3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
                          4. Kick the bucket
                          5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
                          6. Musical recliners.
                          7. Simon says something incoherent.
                          8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

                          SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
                          1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
                          2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
                          3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

                          OLD IS WHEN:
                          1. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
                          2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
                          don't have to go along.
                          3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
                          4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
                          5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
                           
                          • Nalt

                            Nalt Well-Known Member
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                            An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

                            "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make a nine," says the Italian.

                            "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

                            The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

                            The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees isa dirty now. So , it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

                            The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

                            The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."


                            The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" (You're going to love this one!!!)

                            The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?"
                             
                            • Nalt

                              Nalt Well-Known Member
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                              "As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of pantie hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

                              What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kid's stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

                              One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

                              If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

                              I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

                              Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

                              To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

                              On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

                              My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

                              The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

                              We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

                              My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

                              My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

                              'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

                              I kept my mouth shut.

                              'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

                              'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

                              But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

                              Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

                              My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

                              A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

                              The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

                              My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

                              Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

                              It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later, in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

                              Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

                              I can't wait until next Christmas."
                               
                              • Nalt

                                Nalt Well-Known Member
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                                A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
                                He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
                                Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
                                He tries this a few more times with no success.
                                All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
                                Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
                                She opens the window and yells to her husband,
                                "You need a piece of tail."
                                The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
                                "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
                                 
                                • Musclepug

                                  Musclepug never go full retard
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                                  media-1609152691856-Dec_27_2020_10_52_PM.jpg
                                   
                                  • Musclepug

                                    Musclepug never go full retard
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                                    20201228_092341.jpg
                                     
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                                    • Jake from State Farm

                                      Jake from State Farm I'm wearing Khakis, why?

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                                      His name is Bubba, he's from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan, So ... he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
                                      The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
                                      Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
                                      Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.
                                      What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
                                      The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
                                      His name is BUBBA....
                                      Keep an eye on those southern boys!
                                      Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.
                                       
                                      #78 Jake from State Farm, Jan 30, 2021
                                      Last edited: Jan 31, 2021
                                      • Nalt

                                        Nalt Well-Known Member
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                                        A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
                                        asks her husband to stop the car.

                                        There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out
                                        to see if it was still alive.

                                        It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can
                                        we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

                                        He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

                                        "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

                                        He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

                                        "But what about the smell?"

                                        "Just hold its little nose."

                                        The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
                                        died at the scene.
                                         
                                        • Jake from State Farm

                                          Jake from State Farm I'm wearing Khakis, why?

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                                          Credit heavychevy:

                                          Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.

                                          A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

                                          So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'

                                          Cruz says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

                                          Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'

                                          The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

                                          Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.’
                                           

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