The New joke thread

[Turk182]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

[B52G8rAC]

Back in the days of détente, sometimes the respective great powers ordered stuff for propaganda purposes. Once, the USSR placed an order for a million gross of condoms, 6 inches in circumference and 12 inches long made of burst resistant latex. The US went to Trojan and fulfilled the order in record time, with all the packaging marked "Medium; Light Duty only."

 

[grengadgy]

Back in the days of détente, sometimes the respective great powers ordered stuff for propaganda purposes. Once, the USSR placed an order for a million gross of condoms, 6 inches in circumference and 12 inches long made of burst resistant latex. The US went to Trojan and fulfilled the order in record time, with all the packaging marked "Medium; Light Duty only."

:)
Heard that before, maybe while in the AF in the late '60s.

 

[B52G8rAC]

:)
Heard that before, maybe while in the AF in the late '60s.

I said it was old. Didn't know it was ancient.

 

[grengadgy]

I said it was old. Didn't know it was ancient.

I was on Shemya listening to the Russians and so Russian jokes were in style.

 

[Treebeard]

 

[Turk182]

A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband "I love you, sweetheart." Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 actual hilarious replies from their husbands. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love.
Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
My favorite is number 11….,.,,,,

 

[Nalt]

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of scruffy-bearded, young men shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that coulda been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

 

[B52G8rAC]

Joke 1 in a series that we used a Squadron Officers School in a time long ago.
In an old English gentleman's' club two wizened veterans of the foreign wars were swapping war stories. The first old man brought up how absolutely splendid the cigars made of Cuban tobacco were. The second gentleman responded that he had tried them once and became ill so he had never done that again. Then the first brought up how delightful the gin from India was. The second said he had tried that concoction once and lost control of himself and would never try spirits again. The first shook his head in confusion and mentioned the gambling establishments in Singapore and how the bright lights and sounds were spectacular. The second said that gambling and all the noise intruded on his serenity an he had sworn off gaming after the first visit. Just then, a young man in an Army uniform walks up the two gentlemen. The second old man jumps up, hugs the young officer and then introduces him to the first as, "This is my son, Leftenant Geoffrey St. John Smyth." As the first man stands to shake hands he looks at his friend and says, "Your only child I suppose?"

 

[wecel90]

All are very funny, I Enjoyed more ! :)

 

[B52G8rAC]

Joke 2 in the "Leftenant St. John (Sinjon) Smyth saga.
The newly minted lieutenant is sent to his first duty station in the deserts of the Middle East. He properly reports to his commanding officer with a two foot stomp halt and the requisite palm forward salute. The Major looks up from his desk, returns the salute and puts the lad a ease. "Welcome aboard, Smyth, we're so glad you are here. It seems we have a very tough time keeping junior officers." After the Major explains his expectations of Smyth, outlines the mission of the garrison and assigns the young man quarters and a batman, he asks if Smyth has any questions. "Yes sir, I do. We are so isolated, what does the garrison do for entertainment?" The Major says, "Well on Mondays we have an all hands poker tournament, winner takes all." Smyth flushes a bit and replies, "Sir, I don't think I can participate in that, gambling is a sin." The Major then says, "Well on Tuesdays the officers gather at the Club to drink, smoke cigars and swap stories." Smyth says that of course he can't be there for smoking, drinking and lying because all violate his sense of propriety. Then the Major says on Wednesday, the garrison brings in woman from the local village for dancing and romance. Smyth is almost a apoplectic with disgust and tells the Major that that kind of behavior borders on conduct unbecoming of a gentleman. By now the Major is quite frustrated and asks, "Smyth, you aren't queer by any chance?" Sir, no Sir, the man replies, that would be the depths of immorality. The commander shakes his head and says, "Then you are certainly not going to enjoy Thursdays either."

 

[Treebeard]

I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger.

It was good, but the bill was enormous.

 

[Nalt]

A guy walks into the Emergency Room, totally naked but wrapped head to toe in clear cellophane.

Doctor walks up to the guy and asks "so, what can I do for YOU today?"

guy says "I don't know why, but I do this every day! Do you have any idea what's wrong with me?"

Doc says "I'm not sure, but clearly, I can see your nuts..."

 

[B52G8rAC]

Leftenant St. John Smyth Joke 3.
Having survived Thursday at his first duty station, Leftenant Smyth was reassigned to a post further from civilization in sub-Saharan Africa. After reporting in the typical British manner and receiving the welcoming brief from the new commander, the somewhat discredited officer asked if one thing could be clarified. The commander of course welcomed the inquiry. Smyth allowed as how the morale and welfare aspects of his last assignment had been his downfall and he didn't want the same thing to affect him here. He then asked what, being in such a remote location, the garrison did for amusement. The commander replied by saying that the only recreational activity at the camp was in regard to the release of sexual tension, since autoeroticism was strictly forbidden by regulation. He further explained that to release the built up sexual tensions inherent in a young officer's life, there was a old wine barrel in the stable and the bunghole was particularly satisfying. Smyth was welcome to use said barrel any day but Monday. Smyth replied that he understood all of that but why could he not use the barrel on Mondays. The commander replied, "Because Smyth, that's your day in the barrel."

 

[deuce]

 

[Treebeard]

 

[Nalt]

There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse."



One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.



"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."



"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse."



"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."



About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."



After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."



The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse?!?"



"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"

 

[B52G8rAC]

After hearing about the barrel rotation assignments, Leftenant St. John Smyth requested a transfer to a less intrusive posting. He was sent to a far-flung desert detachment, miles from the nearest settlement. Upon arrival, he called on the commander to leave his card and get the skinny on the lay of the land. After learning about the storied history of the desert cavalry detachment, conversation swung to the obvious lack of women at the camp. Finally, Smyth broached the question on every virile young man's mind: what did the garrison do for companionship. The commander looked at Smyth slyly and said, "don't let this get out, but sometimes I use the garrison camels." Of course Smyth was confused and somewhat taken aback. Some months later, the Leftenant was discovered cavorting in the stables and brought before the commander on bestiality charges. The commander asked what in heavens name did Smyth think he was doing and the reply was, "using the camels like you suggested." "Yes, Smyth, I did say that, but around here we generally use the camels to ride into town."
Aside: Of course a well known cigarette company used this joke as a basis for an advertising campaign.

 

[Nalt]

A Medical warning...loss of appetite...

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. "a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not hungry."

Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

 

[Nalt]

Two nuns were shopping in a food store
and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.
One asks the other if she would like a beer.

The other nun answered that would be good,
but that she would be queasy about purchasing it.

The first nun said that she would handle it and
picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look,
and the first nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under
the counter, put a package of pretzel sticks in the
bag with the beer saying,

"Here, don't forget the curlers."