Lincoln vs. Trump
This is a YUGE match. The greatest president ever versus Abraham Lincoln. Trump takes a lead bigly in the prematch trash talk; intimating that Lincoln’s own wife paid to have him assassinated. At a chiseled 175 lbs “The Great Emancipator” frees the blood from Donnie’s southern lip almost immediately after the opening bell. In an assault that would make Sherman blush, Abe shows his dedication to preserving the union of his fist to Trump’s body; smothering him with punches. Sputtering with rage , 45 fires his manager halfway through the fight. He hires a tag team of General Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis and Vince McMahon. Mattis tells Trump to use his weight advantage and take the fight to the ground. Lincoln is no slouch in the grapple, but Trump isn’t one of the Clary’s Grove boys. Abe’s got skill; but in this case he’s out of his weight class. Rushing him early, The Donald takes Abe down and pounds him like Fort Sumter. After a savage beating, Lincoln manages to scurry away like Irvin McDowell trying to cross Bull Run. Regaining composure, Lincoln wisely decides to keep his distance and try to catch Trump lunging. Suddenly, from the first row a starting pistol is fired by Triple-H, who McMahon put up to the distraction. An obviously startled and distraught Lincoln wheels around trying to find the shooter, allowing McMahon to slide Trump a steel chair, which he uses to split the back of Abe’s head like a rail. Trump makes death matches great again. Trump to round three.
Pierce vs. Reagan
Franklin’s wife didn’t want him to fight, and she was probably right. This one goes on longer than it needs to because Ronnie’s poor vision leaves avenues for Pierce to dive and dodge. Pierce runs from the determined, if raw, Reagan with all the vigor of a fugitive slave. His return to bondage comes, not from the mighty right of Reagan, but from running crotch first into a turnbuckle. Overcome with agony, he faints from the pain. For Reagan it’s morning again in death matches – he advances to round three.
Grant vs. Polk
Polk is shrewd but frail standing next to the imposing bearded Grant. He shows up hoping to steal one like the Republic of Texas from Mexico; and makes a good show of it early. He has the winning tactics, but the strategy is all Grant’s. James continues to bob and weave sticking jabs and scoring, but the General is so sauced he doesn’t feel it. Grant advances menacingly - arms in close to his side in a bully stance. Polk is soon out of places to run and begins trading blows with Grant. The two stand toe to toe wailing on one another, but it is Polk that collapses first from a shot to the abdomen that makes him long for the kidney stones that stymied his manhood. Bloodied but unbeaten, Grant staggers to round 3.
Monroe vs. Quincy Adams
John Quincy ain’t even the best Adams, let alone the best fighter. Like the Battle of Trenton, this one is over in a flash. Unlike that go-round it’s JQ that is WIA. Adams tries fleeing like his dad from the presidency, but to no avail. Thin but powerful, James rains blows down that leave Adams more of a wreck than the former’s namesake town in Liberia. Unfortunately for John, there’s no Compromise that can stop the expansion of swelling through his cheeks and jaw; only the merciful intervention of the fight doctor puts an end to Monroe’s doctrine of dominating JQ’s northern hemisphere. Monroe marches on to round three.