- Jul 23, 2014
- 11,861
- 27,004
How to Simulate Being in the Navy
1. Buy a metal dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
(1a. for Submarines - paint it Black outside, Pea Green inside.)
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house....exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney with a leaf blower, and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take apart all household major appliances, lube-oil every metal fitting, and then reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors and of all internal doorways, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays, tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your "rack" (a bunkbed with a 2-inch-thick mattress) to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack!"
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, ceiling fan specialist 3rd class, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille! reveille!--all hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you (the "Plan of the Day").
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500....... In triplicate.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not."Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all **** cans and butt kits!"
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before finally delivering the rest.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one-- the same one every night.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "This is a drill, this is a drill! Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!"
21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off. Leave it out for several hours before serving, so the cake achieves the consistency of a petrified sponge.
24. Get up every night around midnightand have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Mid-Rats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose, then put out a simulated fire.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready!" After an hour or so, speak into the cup again"Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.
28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)
29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Class-Charlie Fire in hangar bay one!"
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals, and announce lengthy citations to half of them and to your pets for Sailor of the Week, Sailor of the Month, Sailor of the Quarter, Sailor of the Year, Sailor of the Decade, etc. . Read a Letter of Commendation for the House's Department of Redundancy Department. (Best done when the weather is worst; January is a good time.)
31.Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.
32. For former engineers, bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front
36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry, and a cup of mineral oil to the refrigerator water and ice dispenser.
37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters. Log them, and pass the log to another family member every day.
38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home, perhaps getting mugged along the way.
39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
And a couple more:
Paint in each room, hallway, and closet of your home on the wall, a bright yellow rectangle approximately 12" high and 18" wide. Paint in the rectangle a description of the 'space' frame number so that everyone will know where they are. A sample description is 1-84-2L
The '1' indicates the main deck of your home. The '84' indicates the number of wall studs counting back from the 'bow' of your home to the front of the 'space'. The '2' shows the 'space' is the first compartment to the port of the centerline of your home. If the centerline of your home passes through the compartment, the space would be numbered '0'. The 'L' indicates the space is a living space.
Your basement immediately below the above space is marked 2-xx-xx (the second deck below the ground-level first deck of the house).
Each one of your rooms in your house will have to have a battle lantern that comes on when house power is lost.
Every door in your home will have to be marked with a 'X', 'Y', or 'Z' depending on how hard it is to lock securely.
'X' doors must be closed at all times. 'Y' doors must be closed when underway or at night in port. 'Z' doors must be closed and locked tightly during "general quarters."
P.S. In your bathroom, put a privacy stall around the ****ter. Make it so small that you have to stand on the commode to close the door for privacy.
1. Buy a metal dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
(1a. for Submarines - paint it Black outside, Pea Green inside.)
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house....exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney with a leaf blower, and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take apart all household major appliances, lube-oil every metal fitting, and then reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors and of all internal doorways, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays, tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your "rack" (a bunkbed with a 2-inch-thick mattress) to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack!"
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, ceiling fan specialist 3rd class, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille! reveille!--all hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you (the "Plan of the Day").
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500....... In triplicate.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not."Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all **** cans and butt kits!"
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before finally delivering the rest.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one-- the same one every night.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "This is a drill, this is a drill! Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!"
21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off. Leave it out for several hours before serving, so the cake achieves the consistency of a petrified sponge.
24. Get up every night around midnightand have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Mid-Rats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose, then put out a simulated fire.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready!" After an hour or so, speak into the cup again"Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.
28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)
29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Class-Charlie Fire in hangar bay one!"
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals, and announce lengthy citations to half of them and to your pets for Sailor of the Week, Sailor of the Month, Sailor of the Quarter, Sailor of the Year, Sailor of the Decade, etc. . Read a Letter of Commendation for the House's Department of Redundancy Department. (Best done when the weather is worst; January is a good time.)
31.Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.
32. For former engineers, bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front
36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry, and a cup of mineral oil to the refrigerator water and ice dispenser.
37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters. Log them, and pass the log to another family member every day.
38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home, perhaps getting mugged along the way.
39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
And a couple more:
Paint in each room, hallway, and closet of your home on the wall, a bright yellow rectangle approximately 12" high and 18" wide. Paint in the rectangle a description of the 'space' frame number so that everyone will know where they are. A sample description is 1-84-2L
The '1' indicates the main deck of your home. The '84' indicates the number of wall studs counting back from the 'bow' of your home to the front of the 'space'. The '2' shows the 'space' is the first compartment to the port of the centerline of your home. If the centerline of your home passes through the compartment, the space would be numbered '0'. The 'L' indicates the space is a living space.
Your basement immediately below the above space is marked 2-xx-xx (the second deck below the ground-level first deck of the house).
Each one of your rooms in your house will have to have a battle lantern that comes on when house power is lost.
Every door in your home will have to be marked with a 'X', 'Y', or 'Z' depending on how hard it is to lock securely.
'X' doors must be closed at all times. 'Y' doors must be closed when underway or at night in port. 'Z' doors must be closed and locked tightly during "general quarters."
P.S. In your bathroom, put a privacy stall around the ****ter. Make it so small that you have to stand on the commode to close the door for privacy.
