The New joke thread
- Thread starter deuce
- Start date
- Jun 12, 2014
- 9,007
- 32,545
Founding Member
- Jul 23, 2014
- 11,922
- 27,243
- Jun 12, 2014
- 9,007
- 32,545
Founding Member
For some reason, the line “you self-righteous bitty” resonated with me growing up at church in a small town
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,906
- 18,817
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a saleslady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?” She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.” No, I won’t.” “Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.” With that, he laughed so hard that he almost lost his breath. She said, “See I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!”
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a saleslady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?” She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.” No, I won’t.” “Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.” With that, he laughed so hard that he almost lost his breath. She said, “See I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!”
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,906
- 18,817
A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says,
“Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman - every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “ Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman - he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
: “ . .”
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says,
“Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman - every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “ Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman - he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
: “ . .”
- Oct 5, 2014
- 7,102
- 16,075
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,906
- 18,817
- Aug 23, 2017
- 3,202
- 6,734
They probably have some of those pumpkin shirts left over.
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,906
- 18,817
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought for a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought for a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
- Mar 9, 2017
- 1,130
- 2,533
OK, what am I missing here? What's the punchline?
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,906
- 18,817
Good catch and my apologies for not recognizing a complete copy/paste. The punchline is the next line which is missing.
"I never did meet him but I married his widow and she constantly tells me how wonderful he was."
- Feb 15, 2016
- 6,077
- 11,310
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,906
- 18,817
Lol, Bama humor is
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,906
- 18,817
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walked to the corner for a shoeshine. He sat in an armchair, examined the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffed his shoes to a mirror shine.
One morning the shoe shiner asked the CEO, “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”
The business man answered arrogantly, “Why are you so interested in that topic?”
The shoe guy replied, “I have millions in your bank and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”
“What’s your name?” asked the executive.
“John H. Smith,” was the reply.
The CEO arrived at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Service Department, “Do we have a client named John H. Smith?”
“We certainly do,” answered the Manager. “He is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account.”
The executive came out, approached the shoe shiner, and said, “Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our Board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I’m sure we could learn something from your life’s experience.”
At the board meeting, the CEO introduced him to the Board Members. “We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can all learn from him.”
Mr. Smith began his story, “I came to this country 50 years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.
“When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing. I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.
“After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine business in this great city.
“Then, six months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars.”
One morning the shoe shiner asked the CEO, “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”
The business man answered arrogantly, “Why are you so interested in that topic?”
The shoe guy replied, “I have millions in your bank and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”
“What’s your name?” asked the executive.
“John H. Smith,” was the reply.
The CEO arrived at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Service Department, “Do we have a client named John H. Smith?”
“We certainly do,” answered the Manager. “He is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account.”
The executive came out, approached the shoe shiner, and said, “Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our Board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I’m sure we could learn something from your life’s experience.”
At the board meeting, the CEO introduced him to the Board Members. “We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can all learn from him.”
Mr. Smith began his story, “I came to this country 50 years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.
“When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing. I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.
“After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine business in this great city.
“Then, six months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars.”
- Jun 12, 2014
- 30,602
- 16,993
Founding Member
I thought this was about the UGA grad.
- Jun 11, 2014
- 8,013
- 4,832
Founding Member
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
