Parenting questions

[cartman302]

I’ll tell you what they did. They took a belt or paddle to that ass with regularity if needed. Phone privileges or other crap like video games were taken away. Permanently if warranted.

As the twig is bent…so grows the tree…

I get that, and I'm fairly old school when it comes to that stuff- but we in that camp are outnumbered, and that **** don't fly today. Not to mention, I still believe in my heart of hearts my kid (and many others) got a bad batch of the Rubella/pox/measles vax they were pushing in the late 90s/early 2000s. I have memories of a happy kid going to school one day, and then, (after the shot), BOOM- a different child. Very different.

But that's a dead argument and I can't go down that road any longer. My kid is who he is--- and he is a good man. Once he learns what being happy CAN be, he will get there. I'm very proud of him, regardless. I never had to endure that mental torment that he and countless other kids have gone through.

 

[Nalt]

There are some good responses in this thread. I have two of my eight kids (all adopted) that went all the way through school, K-12, without any friends. None. My son, now 19, had people who would pretend to be his friend for a week or so just to set him up for another failure. He would act out and get in trouble at school. When asked about whatever it was, he would say that some other kid did something first. The admin could never find anyone, not even teachers/student teachers, to back up his story. I know that many times he had acted out first but I also believe that there were incidents where other kids prodded him into doing something just so he would get in trouble and be sent to Alternative school. My 2nd oldest daughter simply had no one. Imagine going through 13 years of school, around kids laughing, talking, playing, etc. for 13 years and none of them would be your friend. That is incredibly sad IMO.

Crete, you mentioned that your son doesn't have many friends either. He does have one that I can think of though, YOU! You are in a situation that I never was in, you can be your son's best friend. I couldn't because of the other kids in the home so I wasn't able to dedicate extra time to just one without causing problems with the others. You mentioned taking your son on drives in the Mustangs. That is great. Do you let him drive too? That might be something that will help the two of you connect better. Spend as much time as you can being his friend. Talk about whatever HE wants to discuss. Initially that will probably be the YT stuff so try to learn something about his YT interests so you can speak intelligently as much as possible. Eventually he might open up and begin being willing to discuss other topics that are more in line with his age. Maybe even develop some interests in things you like. Go to the park, the mall, the beach/river/lake, whatever, and just hang out. Toss a baseball or football or frisbee.

As for punishments, I would suggest having discussions as you might with someone who works for you. Try and help him understand what he did wrong. It doesn't matter WHY he did something as long as he can verbalize THAT he did wrong. Have him help determine what his punishment is. This can be touchy as he will be more inclined to push for very light measures. But if you can get him to feel like he is helping himself to become a better man by determining what type of punishment he must endure then that should help him to grow more mature.

I definitely don't envy you but I hope and pray that you can navigate this part of his life in a way that will give him, and you, great hope for his future.

 

[wrpgator]

@Concrete Helmet
Sorry to hear you’re going through this tough time with your teenage son. I too had anger control issues and unfortunately my kids witnessed dad losing it on several occasions. In my younger days I’d chase people down who cut me off in traffic. I grew up seeing my dad do the same.

I cant tell you how many times we got called down to the school because our son acted up. Probably my fault.

Since he was a kid I told him “we’ll pay for you to get a four-year degree or trade school if you want. But if you don’t do your school work, your only option will be to join the military— you won’t be able to come back home and live off us.” Welp, he flunked out of college (partying and poor choice of friends) and long story short he’ll retire from the US Air Force, with 20 years service next year. He has a very nice offer from a large defense contractor when he gets out. MOS Intel.

He really needed someone other than dad barking at him, and it paid off better than I ever expected. He grew up quickly in that first year, and formed much better relationships (as those formed in the military tend to be).

For anyone having anger issues— it really can overtake your rational self—I highly recommend the herb Ashwagandha. It mutes those harsh edges and helps you ease through aggravation without blowing your stack. Gotta help blood pressure too. I’ve been taking it for about 20 years. My wife says she can tell when I’ve run out , “Are you out of ashwagandha again??” Oops, yes. I can tell too—anger starts welling up. I order it from Amazon, 2 capsules in the a.m. and one at night. Cheap and effective. Took me about a week taking it to realize “hey, yeah, i got pissed but whaddya know—I’m over it!”

 

[Concrete Helmet]

@Concrete Helmet
Sorry to hear you’re going through this tough time with your teenage son. I too had anger control issues and unfortunately my kids witnessed dad losing it on several occasions. In my younger days I’d chase people down who cut me off in traffic. I grew up seeing my dad do the same.

I cant tell you how many times we got called down to the school because our son acted up. Probably my fault.

Since he was a kid I told him “we’ll pay for you to get a four-year degree or trade school if you want. But if you don’t do your school work, your only option will be to join the military— you won’t be able to come back home and live off us.” Welp, he flunked out of college (partying and poor choice of friends) and long story short he’ll retire from the US Air Force, with 20 years service next year. He has a very nice offer from a large defense contractor when he gets out. MOS Intel.

He really needed someone other than dad barking at him, and it paid off better than I ever expected. He grew up quickly in that first year, and formed much better relationships (as those formed in the military tend to be).

For anyone having anger issues— it really can overtake your rational self—I highly recommend the herb Ashwagandha. It mutes those harsh edges and helps you ease through aggravation without blowing your stack. Gotta help blood pressure too. I’ve been taking it for about 20 years. My wife says she can tell when I’ve run out , “Are you out of ashwagandha again??” Oops, yes. I can tell too—anger starts welling up. I order it from Amazon, 2 capsules in the a.m. and one at night. Cheap and effective. Took me about a week taking it to realize “hey, yeah, i got pissed but whaddya know—I’m over it!”
View attachment 64540

Thanks. Strange thing is yesterday I ran into Publix to grab a few things including some saw palmetto. When I was searching for it I came across a bottle of Ashwagandha and tried to remember something I read about it. I'll have my wife order some from Amazon.

 

[wrpgator]

Thanks. Strange thing is yesterday I ran into Publix to grab a few things including some saw palmetto. When I was searching for it I came across a bottle of Ashwagandha and tried to remember something I read about it. I'll have my wife order some from Amazon.

After a few weeks or a month of Ashwagandha let me know what you think.

Best of luck with your son. When our kids were teenagers, I thought those were days of hell that would never end. Every day it was something. Wife was frequently in tears. (two daughters, one son) I fought for years to exclude the influence of bad “friends”. Oldest daughter’s boyfriend was going to come to the house and shoot me (I said “come on, bub I’m ready for ya!”—I sent wife & younger daughter to MIL for a few days). Oldest daughter ran away for 2 weeks. Took daughter #2 out of public school 9th grade— her “boyfriend” was in a theft gang led by the local DA’s son. We held her out for entire year—homeschooled. I heard “I HATE YOU!” screeched at me many times during that period. We enrolled her in a Catholic school the next year to repeat 9th. They didn’t want to accept her based on her grades, so I begged—begged for them to accept her for at least one semester, and if she doesn’t cut it—kick her out. They agreed, she made new & better friends, graduated and went on to 4 yr college degree & a great life now. Our son decided to go gangsta style--wearing pants falling down, underwear showing. After a few warnings (unheeded) I drove him under false pretenses to the bad-ass section of Ft Myers, Anderson Av (now named MLK Jr Blvd), stopped the car where all the brothers hang out on the streets and said "Get out". "Wha??? What for??" You want to act gangster--here's your life: Get out. "Dad NO! That's crazy!" He swore he wouldn't do it again--and he didn't (in front of me, that is).

I can’t emphasize this enough--take control when kids start hanging with a bad crowd. I don't care if they hate your guts for it. I listened to every CD they brought into the house--and smashed to pieces many of them. "Dad! You have to pay for those--they belonged to So-And-So!" "No, YOU have to pay for them. I warned you to never bring anything into this house with that language." This, of course, was ugly, nasty rap "music", and I forbid it under my roof.

My older sister went through similar trials with her kids and she advised me: "If you think you've lost them in their teen years--they'll come back to you around age 18 - 20 if you raised them right [and it sounds very much like you did raise him right]" And right she was. My 3 kids have thanked me for lowering the boom when they were kids [their mother always wanted to be their best friend--I was the perpetual bad guy]. They see now what they couldn't see then--the trouble they were headed for.

Best of luck, Crete. I would not want to relive those days. But know this: better days are ahead.
wrp

 

[Spurdog98]

I have two kids a daughter 21 and my son who just turned 18. I have been super blessed, they are both good kids. I can say looking back that the amount of time we spent with them, quality time(camping, fishing, sports) made a HUGE difference. My son has been a affected a bit by the year and half he spent in his room during covid for school. He does has some social anxiety but he seems to be getting much better with that. When the were younger they both got that ass whipped but only a couple of times, they got the message. My wife isn't a spanker but I am. But I also believe that has a shelf life as a tool for discipline and by the time they hit 10-11 you have to find other ways.

I can only give advice and my advice is to spend as much time as possible with them. Talk to them, ask them how their day was and how life is going in general. Stay in their business but don't do it in a way that is super intrusive unless there is cause for alarm then you have to intrude. Unconditional love is what they need the most even when they seem receptive to it. but they also HAVE to know that negative actions have negative consequences and parents have to begin that lesson. Being a parent is damn hard and particularly in this current climate.

 

[TLB]

My wife isn't a spanker but I am.

This is me. It worked on me and my sister, and I'm fine carrying it to my kids. However, neither have really earned it (I am blessed). Once, when my son was about 6-7 he did something that warranted significant discipline, so he said he'd prefer to get spanked thank whatever grounding I had in mind. This is the only time either were spanked. He chose it more out of curiousity than any other reason. I hit him maybe 2-3 times as hard (with my hand) as I possibly could in hopes it would generate enough fear....he didn't cry, but I nearly did because my hand hurt to bad.

Stay in their business but don't do it in a way that is super intrusive

This is my wife. Any little thing and she goes into 20-questions with them. They shut her down quickly and bluntly with "I am not answering any more questions."

 

[Detroitgator]

I have two kids a daughter 21 and my son who just turned 18. I have been super blessed, they are both good kids. I can say looking back that the amount of time we spent with them, quality time(camping, fishing, sports) made a HUGE difference. My son has been a affected a bit by the year and half he spent in his room during covid for school. He does has some social anxiety but he seems to be getting much better with that. When the were younger they both got that ass whipped but only a couple of times, they got the message. My wife isn't a spanker but I am. But I also believe that has a shelf life as a tool for discipline and by the time they hit 10-11 you have to find other ways.

I can only give advice and my advice is to spend as much time as possible with them. Talk to them, ask them how their day was and how life is going in general. Stay in their business but don't do it in a way that is super intrusive unless there is cause for alarm then you have to intrude. Unconditional love is what they need the most even when they seem receptive to it. but they also HAVE to know that negative actions have negative consequences and parents have to begin that lesson. Being a parent is damn hard and particularly in this current climate.

I'm with you 100000000% on the bold parts, and the "talk to them" part has to be MEANINGFUL and about things... not just checking the block. I'd add "reading" (and reading with them or same books) to your list, especially if you can start that very early. Also totally with you on the "staying out of their business" while simultaneously stating and enforcing the "negative action have negative consequences" part. I always told them, "I hope that we will be friends one day, but that's not my job right now." We told them that their "job" was school, and the things that went with that. Do your job. Now that Son #1 is 25, nothing makes me prouder/happier than the handful of times he has told me that adults in his work life with kids his age have asked him, "What did your parents do?" and he answers, "They told us what was expected of us, and we knew the consequences if we didn't do our part... other than that, they pretty much let us do what we wanted."

As for spanking and similar, I think it all depends on the kid. I got spanked a LOT as a kid (and probably up to about 12 years old?)... I don't think it ever deterred me from any stupid thing I did, my dad just didn't know what to do with me (and he didn't do all the things you stated, and I agree, need to be done). I never once came even close to having to even threaten anything physical with Son #2 and my daughter. ONCE when Son #1 (the most like me) was around 13, I lost it, throttled him by the throat, took him back over his bed, and got right in his face... it was ugly, never had to do it again. I think it was because of the COUNTLESS hours we spent focused on our kids that we got so "lucky." But man, it would have been a blast to be like the other parents in the neighborhood going on adult trips to New Orleans and doing whatever the fuk else they did other than focus on their kids and then wondering why outcomes are different.

And for full context, both my wife and I were the "problem children" in our families growing up... took my first ride in a cop car in 8th Grade, stole my first (and only) car in 10th Grade.

Sad thing is, my advice requires one to start when the kids are literally 4 or 5 and then it is continuous to this day (it doesn't end). I wish I had advice for "what do I do with my teen?", but there appears to be plenty of good advice here for that. I can't imagine how tough it would be to try and "fix" something after 15 or 16 years.

 

[Spurdog98]

"Problem child growing up"? yeah check that box with. Fuq up is more like it.

 

[Concrete Helmet]

"what do I do with my teen?", but there appears to be plenty of good advice here for that. I can't imagine how tough it would be to try and "fix" something after 15 or 16 years.

Well not entirely sure if this was directed at me but I haven't been the absent Dad that you may be implying if in fact it was directed at me...

As far as spanking goes yes I did on probably more than a dozen occasions between the ages of 2-8 or 9ish.....And yes I have also grabbed not only my blood son by the throat at about the same age you mentioned but also my then young adult stepson who was living at home when he told me he was "going to get his Glock"...

Funny thing is for how bad of a Dad that I've been both my stepdaughter 35, and my stepson, now 30, consider me their "Dad" and completely disown their biological father who beat them during their mothers divorce from him. In fact "my" 3 grand kids don't know that he even exist and they have NO plans of ever telling them...Both of them despite being mind f vcked by a drunken moron somehow with my and their mothers guidance went on to get degrees from college with my "daughter" graduating magna cum laude from a private college. Both have bought homes(with "Dads" guidance and blessing which they ask for)have started families and are great parents to my grand children..

You wanna try walking into that mess when they were 17 and 13? Maybe then you can be a better judge of what kind of parent I am...

 

[Detroitgator]

Well not entirely sure if this was directed at me but I haven't been the absent Dad that you may be implying if in fact it was directed at me...

As far as spanking goes yes I did on probably more than a dozen occasions between the ages of 2-8 or 9ish.....And yes I have also grabbed not only my blood son by the throat at about the same age you mentioned but also my then young adult stepson who was living at home when he told me he was "going to get his Glock"...

Funny thing is for how bad of a Dad that I've been both my stepdaughter 35, and my stepson, now 30, consider me their "Dad" and completely disown their biological father who beat them during their mothers divorce from him. In fact "my" 3 grand kids don't know that he even exist and they have NO plans of ever telling them...Both of them despite being mind f vcked by a drunken moron somehow with my and their mothers guidance went on to get degrees from college with my "daughter" graduating magna cum laude from a private college. Both have bought homes(with "Dads" guidance and blessing which they ask for)have started families and are great parents to my grand children..

You wanna try walking into that mess when they were 17 and 13? Maybe then you can be a better judge of what kind of parent I am...

No Crete, that wasn't my intention... my posts in this thread are "in general", not specific to anyone, and I completely get that every kid is different. My point was that I don't have any experience with "what to do with a 15-16 year old," that's it. I have no frame of reference on that one other than what my Dad did with me at that point which was "hope."

As for my kids, I can only talk about what we did with them starting from Day One, because that is my experience. My point there is that we spent an inordinate amount of time focused on/doing stuff with our kids (like, all our time), and it worked out. I'm sure part of that is just luck, but I can only talk about what we did and what the outcome for us was, and my message was therefore for people that still have younger kids, and I said that at some point.

I honestly feel for you, truly. I've read your posts (and a few of the others) and yes, selfishly, thought "Thank God we didn't have to deal with any of that" because I know that it could happen to anyone, including me.

 

[Bushmaster]

I didn't know my dad growing up. Grandad was the disciplinarian who handed out frequent beatings. His favorite was a razor strop. 36 inches long and he hit you wherever he could. At the far, it was an ax handle. Worse than getting jumped into the Bloods or Crisp. We went to the mountains one year and he bought a bull whip. Instantly thought it was for us and not the cows. Sure enough.
So imagine growing up doing excellent in school, AG program, staying out of trouble, and getting best with a bull whip or ax handle, shovel, stick, etc for the smallest infraction. Could be notnrinsing your plate COMPLETELY before putting it on the counter. Not COMPLETELY wiping the breakfast table. He sometimes would beat us so much he would start crying. I remember watching him beat my 12 year old uncle so long that me (8) and my other uncle (12) were begging him to stop because we thought he was going to kill him. That uncle wound up going to the ER after a vicious beating from a bull whip. Got popped in the eye when it snapped and it swole shut.

I spanked my boys pretty hard. One way more than the other.. Hand or belt, no more than 5 licks, 3 most of the time, butt only.

My experience, spanking kids doesn't work. The only thing that worked with my oldest was grounding him and ignoring him for a few days. He hated it.

So my perspective is different from most.

 

[g8tr72]

Parenting is one of these most difficult and (can be) rewarding experiences of our lives. Here's a simple summary of my observations and experiences. Every situation is different and every child is different, so there isn't a "cookie cutter" recipe that is a guarantee.

My wife and I have raised two sons who are now both in their 20s with kids of their own. Because of what and who they are today, (definitely not perfect) we get asked about parenting advice often. Here is what we tell them.

Consistency. It's difficult for kids to endure inconsistencies in parents' attitudes and decisions. Parents have to have self discipline to exercise this. When we failed, we were very quick to apologize and confess our mistakes. The "do as I say not as I do" philosophy we were raised with doesn't work. Hypocrisy and parents going behind each other's backs have altered many paths.

Communication. Lots of it. Face to face and heart to heart. My guys told us that as much as they hated all the talks at the time, today it's what they are most appreciative of.

Compromise. Don't. Set boundaries and stick to them. Explain and acknowledge that they won't agree or (maybe) even understand the purpose of certain rules and guidelines, but ultimately they will benefit from them.

Corporal Punishment. I believe in it, but ONLY when applied the correct way. Never in anger, never in frustration, always in love. When they're younger, it is important to take the time to explain why and (according to our value system) Who it ultimately offends.

I wholeheartedly agree with others' opinions regarding sports being healthy for kids to learn sacrifice, discipline and commitment - all qualities parents must learn and apply first.

 

[Detroitgator]

My experience, spanking kids doesn't work. The only thing that worked with my oldest was grounding him and ignoring him for a few days. He hated it.

So my perspective is different from most.

This one got me thinking about me growing up. The "silent treatment" is obviously risky, but...

While I never got beaten like you describe, I got spanked, a LOT, probably up until I was about 12 (?), always with a leather belt. I can assure you that it never had any effect on my future bad/dumb behavior. I also thought it was dumb that he would always tell me to go think about what I had done and WHY I had done it first... there was no "why" other than "seemed like a good idea in the moment."

The height of my stupidity was Spring of 10th Grade. On the night of March 31st when the latest "good idea in the moment" was to steal a car from one of Ford's massive holding lots for new production cars. We "succeeded", even got a license plate, and went joy riding. Also, we were "smart" and wore rubber gloves! We went joy riding. Near downtown Detroit, we needed gas. The Mercury LN7 was a "new fangled" car and one of the first with a gas cap release inside the car. We didn't know that, so we pulled into an alley and were in the process of popping it open with the screwdriver we had stuck in the steering column. That's when the DPD car rolled by and we got arrested (and stuffed the rubber gloves between the seat cushions in the DPD car)... on April Fools Day.

The single mom's of the two guys (my parents would call them "bad influences") I was with came and got them out pretty fast. My Dad (against my mom's wishes) made me sit in that Detroit jail all night, then picked me up, drove home, then ALMOST punched me square in the face, but stopped himself. I'll never forget the look of animal aggression on his face (and I know mine was the same the day I throttled Son #1) then didn't speak a single word to me for 4-5 weeks (my sister and I still talk about it)... not a word.

That is when I started changing my behavior. Can't explain why, it just did, but I think it probably had something to do with my Dad's response being so different than the past (I also think he didn't punch me because he knew he'd "lose" me forever if he did, which is what happened when he was in 10th Grade, dropped out of school, and left home).

 

[Detroitgator]

Parenting is one of these most difficult and (can be) rewarding experiences of our lives. Here's a simple summary of my observations and experiences. Every situation is different and every child is different, so there isn't a "cookie cutter" recipe that is a guarantee.

My wife and I have raised two sons who are now both in their 20s with kids of their own. Because of what and who they are today, (definitely not perfect) we get asked about parenting advice often. Here is what we tell them.

Consistency. It's difficult for kids to endure inconsistencies in parents' attitudes and decisions. Parents have to have self discipline to exercise this. When we failed, we were very quick to apologize and confess our mistakes. The "do as I say not as I do" philosophy we were raised with doesn't work. Hypocrisy and parents going behind each other's backs have altered many paths.

Communication. Lots of it. Face to face and heart to heart. My guys told us that as much as they hated all the talks at the time, today it's what they are most appreciative of.

Compromise. Don't. Set boundaries and stick to them. Explain and acknowledge that they won't agree or (maybe) even understand the purpose of certain rules and guidelines, but ultimately they will benefit from them.

Corporal Punishment. I believe in it, but ONLY when applied the correct way. Never in anger, never in frustration, always in love. When they're younger, it is important to take the time to explain why and (according to our value system) Who it ultimately offends.

I wholeheartedly agree with others' opinions regarding sports being healthy for kids to learn sacrifice, discipline and commitment - all qualities parents must learn and apply first.

In raising our kids (25, 23, and 21), I agree with you 10000%. And if not sports, some organization that does the same (Boy Scouts and then Sea Cadets in HS did that for me).

And yes... long talks and explain, explain, explain the "WHY's".

 

[Concrete Helmet]

Damn Deet was a f vck up....

I'm not sure if I have a guardian angel who watches over me but I had friends who did a lot of the same things(one was actually charged with manslaugher over a drug deal gone bad after we turned 18) BUT somehow I was never with them when they decided to do really stupid stuff.

Other than getting caught with a bong by Feds(never found my stash though)and drag racing up and down 436 a few times I always seemed to get away with "it".

I will say I did have the common sense to bail on these friends a few times before they were about to do something stupid though too....which had a lot to do with the few times my Father did punish me. He had superhuman strength(no BS) and could grab you with one hand and ruin your sh!t even as a 200 plus pound young adult. In fact at 80 years old from a wheelchair in a nursing home with his one good hand after having a stroke, he threw a male nurse to the ground when the guy interrupted our visit.

My wife happened to be there and noticed the "animal look" in his eyes....I told her that look alone probably saved me from going to jail as a teenager. She has also told me that she has seen that same look in my eyes(my dad and me look very similar at similar ages) on the 2 occassions where I throttled my son and stepson.

 

[Detroitgator]

Damn Deet was a f vck up....

I'm not sure if I have a guardian angel who watches over me but I had friends who did a lot of the same things(one was actually charged with manslaugher over a drug deal gone bad after we turned 18) BUT somehow I was never with them when they decided to do really stupid stuff.

Other than getting caught with a bong by Feds(never found my stash though)and drag racing up and down 436 a few times I always seemed to get away with "it".

I will say I did have the common sense to bail on these friends a few times before they were about to do something stupid though too....which had a lot to do with the few times my Father did punish me. He had superhuman strength(no BS) and could grab you with one hand and ruin your sh!t even as a 200 plus pound young adult. In fact at 80 years old from a wheelchair in a nursing home with his one good hand after having a stroke, he threw a male nurse to the ground when the guy interrupted our visit.

My wife happened to be there and noticed the "animal look" in his eyes....I told her that look alone probably saved me from going to jail as a teenager. She has also told me that she has seen that same look in my eyes(my dad and me look very similar at similar ages) on the 2 occassions where I throttled my son and stepson.

Regarding the two guys I was with, it turned out that the main one was working with the Auto Shop teacher at our HS... there were several kids that were stealing cars (or wheels and other like items) and the shop teacher was selling them (and went to jail). The other one is a friend to this day. We decided half way through our Senior year to join the Army together, went to Ft Knox together after graduation for OSUT and were in the same platoon, went to Germany together, and crazily both got assigned to 1/11 ACR together but he went to Alpha Troop and I went to Bravo. He got PCS'd to Ft Bliss after 2 years (I was there for 4), and we basically lost touch... until we ran into each other in Afghanistan and then Dubai around 2012. He had retired as an E-8 and was training Afghan Commandos with our SF guys and I was doing my thing. Still keep in touch now.

 

[cover2]

Some good info and sharing. Hoping things start clicking with you and your son @Concrete Helmet . 33 years in education saw a myriad of kids and the problems they encountered while they struggled to grow up. Some external; most internal it seemed. Having coached and been involved with sports and teams for the greater part of my time in schools, I’m a big believer in team sports, as much from the growth that is required where teamwork, responsibility, and work ethic are concerned. We had many kids that needed all of the aforementioned in their lives, but sports didn’t do it for them. Our Ag teachers provided a great avenue that provided similar development as athletics, but in a different atmosphere. They also did a lot of leadership, public speaking, and community goodwill activities. Just what a lot of the kids who might just as well sit in their rooms and play video games, watch tv, or listen to music for hours on end without social interaction need in order to learn how to fit in. I guess the salient points are to get involved with some activities that require interaction with a variety of other people and help drive the positive development of interpersonal relationships, particularly with others both alike and different from yourself.

With regard to correcting poor or unwanted behaviors, the wife and I primarily used redirection, loss of privileges, and spanking in that order, from minor to major. The big key for us, as has been mentioned, was consistency. Our kids knew that if we said it, we meant it and there was no going back or them wheedling their way out. It was hard, but we believed in letting them know the parameters of their required behaviors and stuck to it. Spanking can be a touchy subject, but our basic rules were that if they disobeyed us or engaged in anything dangerous that could harm them or others or that was illegal in the adult world, dad was going to light them up. Three licks with the belt, never in anger, and always followed by a very thorough explanation, then a hug, and finally a “we love you but we expect better from now on.” We didn’t have to spank either our son or daughter past 6th grade. They had pretty much figured out our expectations and we’ve been blessed that they developed their consciences pretty early. Did have one exception with the son (oldest) who decided it was ok to talk loud to mom when he turned 18. Corrected him but he backslid and the result was a brief tête-à-tête in the back yard when he decided to challenge my correction. In addition to learning not to disrespect mom, he also had to find out that the old bull was still in charge of the herd. Not proud of having to square up with him, but it was necessary and the resulting change helped with his clarity of thinking along with understanding the need for authority and how it comes about.

To sum it up, I wish you the best and that you soon find that place where cooperation and positive interactions are the norm. God bless you brother. It is out there, just keep working!

 

[Spurdog98]

There is no cook book approach to it and it's kinda like BN, on the job training but learning from mistakes and asking advice is part of what goes into it. But you have to know you kids and that only happens if you spend time with them...alot...from the very beginning if you can.

 

[CDGator]

First and foremost Crete, I hope this season with your son is one you can look back on in a few years and see a change for the better with him. Some of the most frustrating traits in our kids are a reflection of ourselves. Parenting is hard and it can be humbling.

I've hesitated to weigh in on the subject because I'm no expert and every family dynamic is different. There's a lot of good advice in here although most is in hindsight for how to start raising a child. For our family it made sense for me to stay home with the kids using "old fashioned" values. That's what we both wanted and made sacrifices for it to happen. We chose to stay in KY and be surrounded by the influences of Seedy's immediate family. His parents were an excellent role model of a healthy family that I didn't have growing up. That time and effort spent is something we will never regret investing in our kids.

It's by the grace of God that our kids are so good, although they are completely different from each other in their personality. What worked for one child did not work for the other. Our daughter didn't want to disappoint us so telling her what would happen if she proceeded was enough of a correction. I can't even recall the last time she was in trouble. Whereas the son was more of a try it and see if that's true type of kid. We made a lot of mistakes and we would do several things differently but if you give parents all the credit, then we would also have to take the blame too. Unfortunately there was no parenting manual for how to survive a pandemic in 2020-2022. Our kids were a sophomore and junior in HS when it started and the world went sideways for a time. Hopefully some good can come out of this period.

Advice to new parents would be:
1. Don't start something you aren't willing to continue
2. Consistency with expectations - as others stated
3. The days are long but the years are short. You can never get the time back so spend as much as you can with your kids.

I did spank the kids when they were really young and it corrected bad behavior but eventually taking away privileges worked even better. Find out what motivates them so you can make the punishment make sense. Our son was the only one to really test the boundaries and he lost the car, phone, computer, xbox, switch and any other form of electronic device for a time. He's incredibly social so no communication with friends motivated him to not screw up again, as far as we know. We are very close and while he was angry with us, we had a lot of good conversations during that time. I could draw from my teenage years and relate to what he was doing.

As an 18 and 20 year old in college and exploring their freedom I'm concerned about outside influences, but I'm praying daily that they remember the solid foundation we gave them. Like the prodigal son, we can all return to what we know is right.

My .02 on parenting the next generation of kids