What question would you ask to determine a Redneck?
- Thread starter Turk182
- Start date
- Jun 11, 2014
- 8,664
- 2,104
Founding Member
Just go and look up old Foxworthy jokes.
- Jun 11, 2014
- 36,557
- 37,723
Founding Member
WobbleGator;n3254 said:
Point system. Here is one just based on what what you drive.
Drive a truck? Plus 5.
Is it jacked up for mudding? Plus 8.
Jacked up but never actually went mudding? Minus 3.
Trailer hitch? Plus 5.
Never actually hauled anything on the hitch? Minus 4.
Long gun in truck? Plus 5.
Never actually killed anything with the gun? Minus 3.
Never actually ate what you killed? Minus 2.
Ate roadkill? Plus 8.
Brush guards or Light bars (that you would never use to shine deer)? Plus 2 for each.
Tobacco juice stains on driver's door? Plus 3.
Tobacco juice stains on floor, seats, and dash? Plus 4.
Buck, NRA, hunting, military/patriotic, or anti-Obama sticker? Plus 2 for each.
Confederate flag visible? Plus 3.
Empty water bottle under driver's seat so you don't have to stop and pee? Plus 6.
CB radio and antenna? Plus 3.
Driven through a carwash? Minus 8.
Homemade spray paint camouflage? Plus 6.
Lost virginity in the truck bed? Plus 5 if human, plus 8 if livestock.
Alex.
Drive a truck? Plus 5.
Is it jacked up for mudding? Plus 8.
Jacked up but never actually went mudding? Minus 3.
Trailer hitch? Plus 5.
Never actually hauled anything on the hitch? Minus 4.
Long gun in truck? Plus 5.
Never actually killed anything with the gun? Minus 3.
Never actually ate what you killed? Minus 2.
Ate roadkill? Plus 8.
Brush guards or Light bars (that you would never use to shine deer)? Plus 2 for each.
Tobacco juice stains on driver's door? Plus 3.
Tobacco juice stains on floor, seats, and dash? Plus 4.
Buck, NRA, hunting, military/patriotic, or anti-Obama sticker? Plus 2 for each.
Confederate flag visible? Plus 3.
Empty water bottle under driver's seat so you don't have to stop and pee? Plus 6.
CB radio and antenna? Plus 3.
Driven through a carwash? Minus 8.
Homemade spray paint camouflage? Plus 6.
Lost virginity in the truck bed? Plus 5 if human, plus 8 if livestock.
Alex.
- Jun 10, 2014
- 802
- 294
Founding Member
Hmmm.
- Jun 12, 2014
- 7,195
- 6,327
Founding Member
Gives "Whoa, Nellie" a whole new perspective.AlexDaGator;n3279 said:
- Jun 13, 2014
- 401
- 470
Founding Member
~~You might be a Redneck if ...
•A full moon reminds you of your mother-in-law pullin' weeds.
•A night on the town includes city jail.
•All of your relatives' cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.
•All of your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.
•All your tupperware is old butter containers.
•All your wall decorations have horns on them.
•All your wedding guests were seated on the same side of the church.
•Any of your children are the result of a conjugal visit.
•Anything outside the Lower 48 is "overseas."
•At the dog track, you always bet on the dog that "does his business" right before the race starts.
•Counting sheep makes you more aroused than sleepy.
•Coworkers start a petition over your coffee cup.
•Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
•Drying your clothes depends on the weather.
•During your wedding ceremony the minister said, "Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?"
•Every room in your house is a junk room.
•Every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.
•Everyone in the house learns something from the potty training videotape.
•For your anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-Mart snack bar.
•It's midnight and everyone on your street knows what album you're playing.
•It takes an entire dumpster to clean out your car.
•Most of your family have appeared on COPS.
•Neither your nor your husband's job requires you to wear a shirt to work.
•No matter which side of the track you live on, it's the wrong side.
•Nobody can rebuild an engine like mama.
•None of the tires on your car are the same size.
•On stag night, you take a real deer.
•One of your top concerns is going to the electric chair.
•People are scared to touch your bathrobe.
•People hear your car a long time before they see it.
•Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
•Someone asks to see your marriage license and you have to dig through the back floorboard of the G.T.O.
•Someone says that your mother wears army boots and you say, "So?"
•The "Save Naugahyde" protection group chooses your house as a picket site.
•The beer truck delivers door-to-door in your neighborhood.
•The biggest sign on your place of business says "Minnows!"
•The cleaners inform you that they can't get the sweat stains out.
•The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
•The cottage cheese container in your refrigerator holds night crawlers.
•The dishwasher and your wife are one and the same.
•The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
•The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
•The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
•The last thing you read was a syphilis pamphlet at the clinic.
•The liquor store knows you by your first name.
•The man from the power company threatens to cut off your service, and you threaten to cut off something of his in return.
•The morning after your kids' slumber party, the dogs have fleas.
•The National Guard had to be called out to your last family reunion.
•The oil stain on your driveway looks like the result of a tanker spill.
•The only scales in your bathroom are leftovers from the fish cleaning.
•The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.
•The police regularly come to your house to break up a fight, and you live alone.
•The primary color of your car is Bond-O.
•The quality of your birthday present depends on how mama finishes in the wet t-shirt contest.
•The school principal has your number on speed dial.
•The sound of a siren sends your family running for the woods.
•The strongest smell in your house is butane.
•The tires on your car don't fit under your fenders.
•There are engine parts on your coffee table.
•There are more than 4 hats in the rear window of your car.
•There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
•There is a hot water bottle hanging from your shower curtain.
•There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.
•There is more oil in your baseball cap than in your car.
•There is not room for one more bumper sticker on your car.
•There is the equivalent of 3 large orders of fries scattered on the floorboard of your car.
•A full moon reminds you of your mother-in-law pullin' weeds.
•A night on the town includes city jail.
•All of your relatives' cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.
•All of your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.
•All your tupperware is old butter containers.
•All your wall decorations have horns on them.
•All your wedding guests were seated on the same side of the church.
•Any of your children are the result of a conjugal visit.
•Anything outside the Lower 48 is "overseas."
•At the dog track, you always bet on the dog that "does his business" right before the race starts.
•Counting sheep makes you more aroused than sleepy.
•Coworkers start a petition over your coffee cup.
•Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
•Drying your clothes depends on the weather.
•During your wedding ceremony the minister said, "Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?"
•Every room in your house is a junk room.
•Every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.
•Everyone in the house learns something from the potty training videotape.
•For your anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-Mart snack bar.
•It's midnight and everyone on your street knows what album you're playing.
•It takes an entire dumpster to clean out your car.
•Most of your family have appeared on COPS.
•Neither your nor your husband's job requires you to wear a shirt to work.
•No matter which side of the track you live on, it's the wrong side.
•Nobody can rebuild an engine like mama.
•None of the tires on your car are the same size.
•On stag night, you take a real deer.
•One of your top concerns is going to the electric chair.
•People are scared to touch your bathrobe.
•People hear your car a long time before they see it.
•Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
•Someone asks to see your marriage license and you have to dig through the back floorboard of the G.T.O.
•Someone says that your mother wears army boots and you say, "So?"
•The "Save Naugahyde" protection group chooses your house as a picket site.
•The beer truck delivers door-to-door in your neighborhood.
•The biggest sign on your place of business says "Minnows!"
•The cleaners inform you that they can't get the sweat stains out.
•The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
•The cottage cheese container in your refrigerator holds night crawlers.
•The dishwasher and your wife are one and the same.
•The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
•The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
•The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
•The last thing you read was a syphilis pamphlet at the clinic.
•The liquor store knows you by your first name.
•The man from the power company threatens to cut off your service, and you threaten to cut off something of his in return.
•The morning after your kids' slumber party, the dogs have fleas.
•The National Guard had to be called out to your last family reunion.
•The oil stain on your driveway looks like the result of a tanker spill.
•The only scales in your bathroom are leftovers from the fish cleaning.
•The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.
•The police regularly come to your house to break up a fight, and you live alone.
•The primary color of your car is Bond-O.
•The quality of your birthday present depends on how mama finishes in the wet t-shirt contest.
•The school principal has your number on speed dial.
•The sound of a siren sends your family running for the woods.
•The strongest smell in your house is butane.
•The tires on your car don't fit under your fenders.
•There are engine parts on your coffee table.
•There are more than 4 hats in the rear window of your car.
•There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
•There is a hot water bottle hanging from your shower curtain.
•There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.
•There is more oil in your baseball cap than in your car.
•There is not room for one more bumper sticker on your car.
•There is the equivalent of 3 large orders of fries scattered on the floorboard of your car.
- Jun 13, 2014
- 401
- 470
Founding Member
~~•Three weeks after the circus, you're still talking about the elephant's accident.
•Trick-or-treaters are scared to come to your door.
•Trimming your beard requires lawn equipment.
•Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
•When paying for beer, spare pistol shells fall out of your pocket.
•You're considered an expert on worm beds.
•You've ever backed down an exit ramp.
•You've ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
•You've ever been arrested for loitering.
•You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
•You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
•You've ever been on television not wearing a shirt.
•You've ever borrowed chewing tobacco from your wife.
•You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
•You've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
•You've ever freshened up with a Slim Jim.
•You've ever given yourself a social disease.
•You've ever had hot flashes at a cattle auction.
•You've ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
•You've ever had to turn your truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
•You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
•You've ever hitchhiked naked.
•You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."
•You've ever made love on top of a dog house.
•You've ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.
•You've ever read the entire Sunday paper sitting in the bathroom.
•You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
•You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone who was inside.
•You've ever thrown a tailgate party at a tractor pull.
•You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
•You've ever used panty hose as a coffee filter.
•You've ever walked through a drive-thru window.
•You've ever watched the game warden through your scope.
•You've ever water-skied in your underwear.
•You've ever worn camouflage pants to church.
•You've never made up your bed.
•You've never paid for a haircut.
•You've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something.
•You've seen Walking Tall more than 50 times.
•You've talked to your mama on the C.B., but have never met her in person.
•You've totaled every car you've owned.
•You always answer the door with a baseball bat in your hand.
•You always use tape to hem your pants.
•You applied for a job while wearing a stocking cap.
•You burn out your clutch in a funeral procession.
•You burn trash in your Sunday clothes.
•You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
•You buy lard wholesale.
•You call the operator to get the number for 911.
•You can't spell your name without looking at your belt.
•You can distinguish between the taste of 'possum and groundhog, blindfolded.
•You can do a moose mating call from an orifice other than your mouth.
•You can drink beer through your nose.
•You can eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one bite.
•You can field dress a deer, but can't change a diaper.
•You can name the entire cast of The Dukes of Hazzard, but not your congressman.
•You can readily describe the taste of squirrel.
•You can take your bra off while driving.
•You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
•You check your shirt to spell your name.
•You clean your hands daily with gasoline.
•You consider a spotlight hunting equipment.
•You cried the day your son tapped his first keg.
•You develop a 1 to 10 warning system for your intestinal gas attacks.
•You don't recognize several relatives when they're sober.
•You drew "horns" on your new bride in your wedding pictures.
•You drive 600 miles to see an image of Elvis that has miraculously appeared in water stains on the ceiling of a trailer.
•You eat a bowl of beans in order to take a bubble bath.
•You fix holes in your truck with duct tape.
•You get homesick watching cops.
•You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
•You get your oil changed by your barber.
•You give "chinette" as a wedding present.
•You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
•You go fishing with a generator and copper wire.
•You go to a party and the punch bowl flushes.
•You go to the ear, nose, and throat doctor to have your finger removed.
•You go to your sister's wedding just to kiss the bride.
•You haul more than U-Haul.
•You have a beer can crusher mounted on the dashboard of your car.
•You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
•You have a feed store nightgown.
•You have a Jack Daniels poster in your living room.
•You have a refrigerator just for beer.
•You have a subscription to Hound Dogs Today.
•You have a tennis ball on your truck antenna.
•You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.
•You have eight cars and still have to bum a ride to work.
•You have fake fur on your dashboard.
•You have lots of hubcaps on your house, but none on your cars.
•You have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can't identify.
•You have orange road cones in your living room.
•You have season tickets for the tractor pull.
•You have three first names.
•You have to dress up the kids to go to K-mart.
•Trick-or-treaters are scared to come to your door.
•Trimming your beard requires lawn equipment.
•Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
•When paying for beer, spare pistol shells fall out of your pocket.
•You're considered an expert on worm beds.
•You've ever backed down an exit ramp.
•You've ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
•You've ever been arrested for loitering.
•You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
•You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
•You've ever been on television not wearing a shirt.
•You've ever borrowed chewing tobacco from your wife.
•You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
•You've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
•You've ever freshened up with a Slim Jim.
•You've ever given yourself a social disease.
•You've ever had hot flashes at a cattle auction.
•You've ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
•You've ever had to turn your truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
•You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
•You've ever hitchhiked naked.
•You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."
•You've ever made love on top of a dog house.
•You've ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.
•You've ever read the entire Sunday paper sitting in the bathroom.
•You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
•You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone who was inside.
•You've ever thrown a tailgate party at a tractor pull.
•You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
•You've ever used panty hose as a coffee filter.
•You've ever walked through a drive-thru window.
•You've ever watched the game warden through your scope.
•You've ever water-skied in your underwear.
•You've ever worn camouflage pants to church.
•You've never made up your bed.
•You've never paid for a haircut.
•You've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something.
•You've seen Walking Tall more than 50 times.
•You've talked to your mama on the C.B., but have never met her in person.
•You've totaled every car you've owned.
•You always answer the door with a baseball bat in your hand.
•You always use tape to hem your pants.
•You applied for a job while wearing a stocking cap.
•You burn out your clutch in a funeral procession.
•You burn trash in your Sunday clothes.
•You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
•You buy lard wholesale.
•You call the operator to get the number for 911.
•You can't spell your name without looking at your belt.
•You can distinguish between the taste of 'possum and groundhog, blindfolded.
•You can do a moose mating call from an orifice other than your mouth.
•You can drink beer through your nose.
•You can eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one bite.
•You can field dress a deer, but can't change a diaper.
•You can name the entire cast of The Dukes of Hazzard, but not your congressman.
•You can readily describe the taste of squirrel.
•You can take your bra off while driving.
•You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
•You check your shirt to spell your name.
•You clean your hands daily with gasoline.
•You consider a spotlight hunting equipment.
•You cried the day your son tapped his first keg.
•You develop a 1 to 10 warning system for your intestinal gas attacks.
•You don't recognize several relatives when they're sober.
•You drew "horns" on your new bride in your wedding pictures.
•You drive 600 miles to see an image of Elvis that has miraculously appeared in water stains on the ceiling of a trailer.
•You eat a bowl of beans in order to take a bubble bath.
•You fix holes in your truck with duct tape.
•You get homesick watching cops.
•You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
•You get your oil changed by your barber.
•You give "chinette" as a wedding present.
•You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
•You go fishing with a generator and copper wire.
•You go to a party and the punch bowl flushes.
•You go to the ear, nose, and throat doctor to have your finger removed.
•You go to your sister's wedding just to kiss the bride.
•You haul more than U-Haul.
•You have a beer can crusher mounted on the dashboard of your car.
•You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
•You have a feed store nightgown.
•You have a Jack Daniels poster in your living room.
•You have a refrigerator just for beer.
•You have a subscription to Hound Dogs Today.
•You have a tennis ball on your truck antenna.
•You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.
•You have eight cars and still have to bum a ride to work.
•You have fake fur on your dashboard.
•You have lots of hubcaps on your house, but none on your cars.
•You have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can't identify.
•You have orange road cones in your living room.
•You have season tickets for the tractor pull.
•You have three first names.
•You have to dress up the kids to go to K-mart.
- Jun 13, 2014
- 401
- 470
Founding Member
~~•You have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens.
•You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
•You have to wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.
•You have your own private booth at the Dairy Queen.
•You have your wife check the depth of the water before you drive your truck through it.
•You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
•You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
•You know how to milk a goat.
•You know your daddy's C.B. handle, but not his real name.
•You leave everything in your will to your mule.
•You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
•You made a cheat sheet for a hunter safety test.
•You made jewelry out of your gallstones.
•You make wind chimes out of frozen orange juice lids.
•You make your wife ride in the back of the truck so the dog won't get sick.
•You met your wife through a "personal ad" written on the men's room wall.
•You missed high school graduation because your kids were sick.
•You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays.
•You own a monogrammed minnow bucket.
•You own a pair of knee-high moccasins.
•You own a Waffle House credit card.
•You own all of the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
•You own half of a pick-up truck.
•You panicked when Sears discontinued its catalog.
•You pick your nose in line at the bank.
•You pick your teeth from a catalog.
•You play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and get 4 teeth knocked out.
•You practice fishing off your front porch.
•You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
•You proudly display a collection of automobile-shaped cologne bottles.
•You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
•You refer to hot sex as relative humidity.
•You refer to your van as "The Love Machine."
•You regularly answer the question "What have you been doing lately?" with "Partying."
•You repair your styrofoam cooler with duct tape and bubblegum.
•You rip a loud one and blame your date.
•You run out of beer and your friends go home.
•You sell rabbits out of your car.
•You shave your legs with your husband's fishing knife.
•You showed up drunk for your D.U.I hearing.
•You stockpile motor oil.
•You stockpile pork & beans.
•You sweep up the rice at the wedding and serve it at the reception.
•You take a spit cup out on the dance floor.
•You think "recycling" means going home from work.
•You think A-1 Sauce tastes great on 'possum.
•You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
•You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
•You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.
•You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
•You think espresso means 8 items or less.
•You think Liberation was that funny-dressed guy who played the piano.
•You think Long John Silver is formal underwear.
•You think Roe vs. Wade deals with boat ownership.
•You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
•You think that safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.
•You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and mother.
•You think the Bud Bowl is real.
•You think the last four words of the National Anthem are "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
•You think the Super Bowl is a top of the line bathroom fixture.
•You think the traffic sign "Merge" is a personal challenge.
•You think the Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.
•You thought Ned Beatty was sexy in Deliverance.
•You trim your beard and find a french fry.
•You use a piece of bread as a napkin.
•You use a screwdriver to open your chewing tobacco.
•You use your daughter's wedding as an excuse to buy a new shotgun.
•You videotape fishing shows.
•You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
•You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
•You wear tube socks with a dress.
•You wear tube socks with a dress.
•You went to the gun and knife show more than once in the same weekend.
•You were driving a tractor before you could walk.
•You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.
•You wore a three-day growth of beard before Don Johnson.
•You wouldn't dare go anywhere without jumper cables.
•You write off a radiator as a business expense.
•Your and your wife's family reunion are one and the same.
•Your arms are hairless from checking your knife's sharpness.
•Your bar tab always equals your paycheck.
•Your belt buckle trips the airport metal detector even when you aren't at the airport.
•Your best linens have Property of Motel 6 printed on them.
•Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat."
•Your bowling ball cost more than your college education.
•Your bra size is higher than your S.A.T. score.
•Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
•Your car alarm eats dog food.
•Your car burns more oil than gas.
•Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
•Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
•Your chili's secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.
•Your cigarette lighter is your stove.
•Your class reunion is a keg party in the woods.
•Your clothesline has at least two splices in it.
•Your daddy has ever said, "You kids run down to the dump and see what they left."
•Your dog drinks from the toilet and you don't care.
•Your dog goes "oink."
•Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
•Your family business requires a lookout.
•Your family talks just like professional wrestlers.
•Your favorite cologne is Blue Tick Hound.
•Your first pet was a chicken.
•Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
•Your grandmother, mother, and wife all have kids the same age.
•Your gun safe is bigger than your refrigerator.
•Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
•Your hood ornament used to be a bowling trophy.
•Your horse can count higher than you.
•Your horse lives in a better place than you do.
•Your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.
•Your husband chews the same brand of tobacco as your mother-in-law.
•Your idea of a big Saturday night is drinking beer and burning trash.
•Your idea of cleaning house is throwing everything in the back yard.
•Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday.
•Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
•Your little black book is a string of cocktail napkins.
•Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
•Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
•Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
•Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.
•Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
•Your neighbors refer to a double-wide on a sand mound as "the mansion on the hill."
•Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
•Your only trip to the dentist was to get your dentures made.
•Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.
•Your retirement plans include getting your own place.
•Your riding lawn mower has cup holders.
•Your satellite dish has more square footage than your home.
•Your school colors are camouflage.
•Your sex life improved with the invention of 4-wheel drive.
•Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
•Your tooth has a cavity.
•Your toothbrush has been in the family for generations.
•Your truck has ever been the scene of a crime.
•Your truck is insured by Smith & Wesson.
•Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
•Your TV remote control is your son Junior.
•Your Uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence.
•Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks.
•Your veterinarian is also a taxidermist.
•Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes three relatives to figure out how to fix it.
•Your wife's arms got so big from pushing your car.
•Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
•Your wife answers to "Cuz."
•Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
•Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
•Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
•You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
•You have to wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.
•You have your own private booth at the Dairy Queen.
•You have your wife check the depth of the water before you drive your truck through it.
•You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
•You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
•You know how to milk a goat.
•You know your daddy's C.B. handle, but not his real name.
•You leave everything in your will to your mule.
•You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
•You made a cheat sheet for a hunter safety test.
•You made jewelry out of your gallstones.
•You make wind chimes out of frozen orange juice lids.
•You make your wife ride in the back of the truck so the dog won't get sick.
•You met your wife through a "personal ad" written on the men's room wall.
•You missed high school graduation because your kids were sick.
•You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays.
•You own a monogrammed minnow bucket.
•You own a pair of knee-high moccasins.
•You own a Waffle House credit card.
•You own all of the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
•You own half of a pick-up truck.
•You panicked when Sears discontinued its catalog.
•You pick your nose in line at the bank.
•You pick your teeth from a catalog.
•You play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and get 4 teeth knocked out.
•You practice fishing off your front porch.
•You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
•You proudly display a collection of automobile-shaped cologne bottles.
•You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
•You refer to hot sex as relative humidity.
•You refer to your van as "The Love Machine."
•You regularly answer the question "What have you been doing lately?" with "Partying."
•You repair your styrofoam cooler with duct tape and bubblegum.
•You rip a loud one and blame your date.
•You run out of beer and your friends go home.
•You sell rabbits out of your car.
•You shave your legs with your husband's fishing knife.
•You showed up drunk for your D.U.I hearing.
•You stockpile motor oil.
•You stockpile pork & beans.
•You sweep up the rice at the wedding and serve it at the reception.
•You take a spit cup out on the dance floor.
•You think "recycling" means going home from work.
•You think A-1 Sauce tastes great on 'possum.
•You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
•You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
•You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.
•You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
•You think espresso means 8 items or less.
•You think Liberation was that funny-dressed guy who played the piano.
•You think Long John Silver is formal underwear.
•You think Roe vs. Wade deals with boat ownership.
•You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
•You think that safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.
•You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and mother.
•You think the Bud Bowl is real.
•You think the last four words of the National Anthem are "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
•You think the Super Bowl is a top of the line bathroom fixture.
•You think the traffic sign "Merge" is a personal challenge.
•You think the Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.
•You thought Ned Beatty was sexy in Deliverance.
•You trim your beard and find a french fry.
•You use a piece of bread as a napkin.
•You use a screwdriver to open your chewing tobacco.
•You use your daughter's wedding as an excuse to buy a new shotgun.
•You videotape fishing shows.
•You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
•You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
•You wear tube socks with a dress.
•You wear tube socks with a dress.
•You went to the gun and knife show more than once in the same weekend.
•You were driving a tractor before you could walk.
•You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.
•You wore a three-day growth of beard before Don Johnson.
•You wouldn't dare go anywhere without jumper cables.
•You write off a radiator as a business expense.
•Your and your wife's family reunion are one and the same.
•Your arms are hairless from checking your knife's sharpness.
•Your bar tab always equals your paycheck.
•Your belt buckle trips the airport metal detector even when you aren't at the airport.
•Your best linens have Property of Motel 6 printed on them.
•Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat."
•Your bowling ball cost more than your college education.
•Your bra size is higher than your S.A.T. score.
•Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
•Your car alarm eats dog food.
•Your car burns more oil than gas.
•Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
•Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
•Your chili's secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.
•Your cigarette lighter is your stove.
•Your class reunion is a keg party in the woods.
•Your clothesline has at least two splices in it.
•Your daddy has ever said, "You kids run down to the dump and see what they left."
•Your dog drinks from the toilet and you don't care.
•Your dog goes "oink."
•Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
•Your family business requires a lookout.
•Your family talks just like professional wrestlers.
•Your favorite cologne is Blue Tick Hound.
•Your first pet was a chicken.
•Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
•Your grandmother, mother, and wife all have kids the same age.
•Your gun safe is bigger than your refrigerator.
•Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
•Your hood ornament used to be a bowling trophy.
•Your horse can count higher than you.
•Your horse lives in a better place than you do.
•Your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.
•Your husband chews the same brand of tobacco as your mother-in-law.
•Your idea of a big Saturday night is drinking beer and burning trash.
•Your idea of cleaning house is throwing everything in the back yard.
•Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday.
•Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
•Your little black book is a string of cocktail napkins.
•Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
•Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
•Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
•Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.
•Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
•Your neighbors refer to a double-wide on a sand mound as "the mansion on the hill."
•Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
•Your only trip to the dentist was to get your dentures made.
•Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.
•Your retirement plans include getting your own place.
•Your riding lawn mower has cup holders.
•Your satellite dish has more square footage than your home.
•Your school colors are camouflage.
•Your sex life improved with the invention of 4-wheel drive.
•Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
•Your tooth has a cavity.
•Your toothbrush has been in the family for generations.
•Your truck has ever been the scene of a crime.
•Your truck is insured by Smith & Wesson.
•Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
•Your TV remote control is your son Junior.
•Your Uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence.
•Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks.
•Your veterinarian is also a taxidermist.
•Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes three relatives to figure out how to fix it.
•Your wife's arms got so big from pushing your car.
•Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
•Your wife answers to "Cuz."
•Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
•Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
•Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
- Jun 11, 2014
- 8,664
- 2,104
Founding Member
Did you just quote Foxworthy's entire redneck joke book?