Crete, I've been reading this thread for a bit and it has been interesting in terms of your anecdotal summaries and the feedback and advice from the posters. I'm no expert in child psychology by a long shot, but having worked in education for the last 27 years, much of what you have shared is familiar and I can still put a student's face with some of the situations. I'll share a few thoughts, but take them for what they're worth:
- I think spanking is a good behavior management tool if it is implemented at an early age, done consistently, agreed upon by you and the missus, never administered in anger or to excess, and directed primarily at behaviors that are defiant or pose a health/safety risk. I was lucky that my wife and I were on the same page and neither of the in-laws ever posed issues with our family discipline. As a football coach back in those days, my wife was a great calming influence on me and I learned to be a better parent and educator/coach as a result. Once the kids grew beyond toddlers, where a swat on the seat worked, we progressed to 3 licks with the belt for the defiance/safety problems. For other issues, like "forgetting" their chores or homework, we'd take away the electronics or TV. By the time they were teenagers, the frequency of behaviors that warranted a spanking decreased each year until they were 16 and we didn't need to spank anymore. Consistency was the key and the kids came to know what to expect. They aren't perfect by any means and we joke about them being "for sale cheap" sometimes, but they have learned how to behave themselves around us and in public. I guess I'm at odds with those who think any corporal punishment is abuse. My folks used it and though I hated everyone I got at the time, I'm glad now that I got them. I wouldn't start spanking on a pre-teen or early teenager if I hadn't done it before and obviously it shouldn't be used for any children who have been abused.
- Kids are like flowing water and seek the path of least resistance. Even the best grandparents (and spouses in some cases) can be great enablers. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for your MIL to countermand your initiatives where your son's behavior is concerned. I can also only imagine how the family dynamic would be affected if you forbade the MIL from her practices. Sounds like your plan to take him to your office will not only get him away from the opportunity jump the fence with grandma, but will also allow you to help him develop some responsibilities and also spend some time with you and see you model proper behaviors and relationships in a setting outside the home. Soon, if it is not already happening, your son will have some activities that will put him in a structured after-school environment (sports, clubs, etc.) that will continue to reinforce effort and acceptable behaviors along with developing positive social interactions. My wife and I were fortunate that our kids really enjoyed sports and played something different every season and both reaped the aforementioned benefits.
- If I am remembering from earlier in the thread, your son is somewhere around middle school age? If so, the hormonal changes during this period can wreak its own havoc. If he takes any medication, it can easily get out of whack and add to the confusion. You also mentioned some of his new peer classmates and their behavior issues. May or may not be the case, but if they are/were kids he looked up to (because they are simply new or represented someone with exhibited skills or behaviors that for whatever reason were appealing), they can certainly have an adverse affect. Peer pressure, overt or otherwise, can really cause a kids to make decisions that go against what they have learned at home or from the positive authority figures. Teaching them to be independent thinkers (and basing their thinking on ideals that are right and proper) is an important, yet difficult task. It sounds like you know this and will do what it takes to get this developmental task completed.
Stay the course, my friend. Your son will love you and appreciate it at some point down the line. Where your MIL is concerned, I'll wish for peace and understanding. Barring that, maybe a painless and non-lethal malady that will deprive her of speech for a while. Good luck.