Offseason Topic: "Intestinal Requirements" while driving

[oxrageous]

Princess, is there something special about that delicate little ass of yours that you think you're going to get ebola if it touches the same piece of plastic that some other ass touched recently? People like you ruining perfectly good public restrooms because they aren't potty trained is one of the scourges of our society. You're so worried about touching a germ you destroy the only place to take a crap in the vicinity. You probably go into a stall to take a piss instead of using a urinal and then don't even lift the seat and spray the place down like an out of control firehose.

I've never understood it either, especially in an emergency. If I'm about to fill my drawers, some possible germs on the seat are the least of my concerns at that moment.

 

[Concrete Helmet]

Princess, is there something special about that delicate little ass of yours that you think you're going to get ebola if it touches the same piece of plastic that some other ass touched recently? People like you ruining perfectly good public restrooms because they aren't potty trained is one of the scourges of our society. You're so worried about touching a germ you destroy the only place to take a crap in the vicinity. You probably go into a stall to take a piss instead of using a urinal and then don't even lift the seat and spray the place down like an out of control firehose.

Look I never relish the thought of having to shiest in a public place so I usually take care of things at home. It's not like I'm some sort of Una Pooper that takes pleasure in destroying public facilities or something.....I guess I just got caught with my pants down on this occasion....I had no idea that 44 ounces of iced coffee on top off 15 jerk wings would create what seemed to be well over 10 gallons of watery brown waste...
And no I'm not worried about eboli on my ass......Herpes, crabs and syphilis yes.....

 

[Zambo]

 

[CGgater]

I was never that much of a germophobe, but 3 years of working construction and over 5 years at sea have definitely cemented the rules of engagement - bodily functions trump any concerns over germs. Wipe the seat down and take care of business. Or buy Depends in bulk if public restrooms cause that much stress.

 

[NVGator]

I thought my wife was going to spray my car seat yesterday and she will kill me if she knows I said anything about this.

Went to Costco and when we arrive back at the car, she looks at me, wide eyed, and says she has to sit down. I thought she might be feeling dizzy for some reason but instead it's to try and help hold it in. I ask if she's ok and if she needed to run back into Costco? She says no and if she gets up she won't be able to contain it. So, I load up the car with our stuff, get the kids in their seats and off we go back home. Now, this is probably a 10 minute ride home, 15 tops. Halfway there she's grasping the arm rest and the dashboard. She also begins to twist sideways, I guess to help torque the muscles?

The kids are talking, singing, doing their normal annoying stuff and she's screaming at them to "Shut-Up! I'm trying to concentrate" By this point, I'm hauling ass to get home, doing 55 down the road in a 35. Weaving in and out of other Sunday drivers. She's sweating and cursing. I barely get in the driveway and start to open the garage before she's jumped out and running into the house. I believe she made it, but there was something thrown away. We didn't talk about the incident anymore.

 

[Alagator]

I'm cracking up reading through all this... This thread is full of some funny azz sh!t !

 

[CGgater]

I thought my wife was going to spray my car seat yesterday and she will kill me if she knows I said anything about this.

I’d like to make a motion now to create an GC Legal Fund if NV or any other members brave enough to share these stories need financial assistance to either:

1. Hire a good divorce lawyer, or
2. Ensure a thorough murder investigation.

 

[Concrete Helmet]

I thought my wife was going to spray my car seat yesterday and she will kill me if she knows I said anything about this.

Went to Costco and when we arrive back at the car, she looks at me, wide eyed, and says she has to sit down. I thought she might be feeling dizzy for some reason but instead it's to try and help hold it in. I ask if she's ok and if she needed to run back into Costco? She says no and if she gets up she won't be able to contain it. So, I load up the car with our stuff, get the kids in their seats and off we go back home. Now, this is probably a 10 minute ride home, 15 tops. Halfway there she's grasping the arm rest and the dashboard. She also begins to twist sideways, I guess to help torque the muscles?

The kids are talking, singing, doing their normal annoying stuff and she's screaming at them to "Shut-Up! I'm trying to concentrate" By this point, I'm hauling ass to get home, doing 55 down the road in a 35. Weaving in and out of other Sunday drivers. She's sweating and cursing. I barely get in the driveway and start to open the garage before she's jumped out and running into the house. I believe she made it, but there was something thrown away. We didn't talk about the incident anymore.

Well just looking at our Costco receipt every month makes me wanna sh!t myself before we get home anyhow so I can kind of understand her position.....Please tell me you guys didn't eat any free samples that they were pimping.......and never, and I mean ever get their pre made chicken salad

 

[NVGator]

Well just looking at our Costco receipt every month makes me wanna sh!t myself before we get home anyhow so I can kind of understand her position.....Please tell me you guys didn't eat any free samples that they were pimping.......and never, and I mean ever get their pre made chicken salad

No, no... we don't sample the stuff they are pimping. Mostly because we aren't interested in fighting for position to grab whatever they are putting out.

 

[Thick&ThinG8r]

This is not really a driving story nor an emergency but you know sometimes sh!t happens. Occasionally my ability to reminisce gets the best of me and on this occasion my young family and I was making our first trip to Godfathers Pizza in Gainesville which happened to be located in what older members might remember as the old JM Fields department store or younger ones as a Pic & Save.

As we entered the restaurant I thought back to how the garden center and toy department had once occupied this space and how much time I had spent there as a child. While standing at the counter I asked my wife if she minded ordering while I used the restroom and proceeded to walk down the hallway thinking how in the early seventies this was one happening place. As I entered the bathroom that was confirmed because of the number of stalls inside; I'm not sure I had ever seen so many.

So, I picked out a center stall and proceeded to take the nastiest crap I have ever had the pleasure to leave in a public restroom. But before I could even give a courtesy flush I heard a concerning noise. I swear you could have seen actual cartoon bubbles above my head as my brain processed the next fifteen seconds and it went like this bloop "Is that women I hear talking"? Bloop "Is that women coming in the men's bathroom"? Bloop "Am I in the women's bathroom"?!? I immediately pull up my feet and go into a sitting fetal position and as I peer from under my baseball hat I notice that daughter has entered the stall next to me and I can hear mom washing her hands but astonishingly grandma walked straight to my stall and by the way her lower legs swayed side to side I knew she was looking through the crack in the door (maybe the ladies can explain this one to me) before washing her hands and exiting the bathroom with her family members.

I knew there was absolutely no way I could clean up and get out without being detected but somehow pulled it off. As I reached our table I realized the offended family, of 10 people, was seated next to mine and took a seat with my back to them as my mind raced wondering if they may have known! That's where my 11 year old son enters the story, he says "dad where were you" and I quietly say "in the restroom" and he says "no you were not" and I say again quietly "yes I was now shut-up" to which he says in his loudest voice "dad there is no way you were in the men's bathroom you had to be in the women's bathroom". Other than making the strangling motions with my hands I have no memory of what happend next but I do know it has been 25 years since this happened and to this day I check the bathroom sign twice, and at times touch it as if I can read brail, and am forever scarred by this incident.