- Oct 26, 2015
- 4,058
- 14,182
The New joke thread
- Thread starter deuce
- Start date
- Oct 26, 2015
- 4,058
- 14,182
Levy the old man on his deathbed looks his wife Ruth in the eye:
"Honey, please be honest with me. I'm not long for this world, and something has really been eating at me for a while.
I've always found our 6th son a bit weird...different, if you may. He has a different father from the other ones, hasn't he?"
The wife, in tears and sobbing uncontrollably, asks for forgiveness and buries her face in her hands, while nodding.
The husband, curious:
"So, who's the father?"
The wife, very sincere, answers
"It's you..."
"Honey, please be honest with me. I'm not long for this world, and something has really been eating at me for a while.
I've always found our 6th son a bit weird...different, if you may. He has a different father from the other ones, hasn't he?"
The wife, in tears and sobbing uncontrollably, asks for forgiveness and buries her face in her hands, while nodding.
The husband, curious:
"So, who's the father?"
The wife, very sincere, answers
"It's you..."
- Jan 6, 2015
- 14,136
- 26,530
- Oct 26, 2015
- 4,058
- 14,182
- Oct 26, 2015
- 4,058
- 14,182
- Mar 14, 2015
- 3,375
- 14,227
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,824
- 18,671
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a golf ball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a sand wedge.
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad."
The father says, "What?! How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that with me again. You're in my closet now."
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a golf ball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a sand wedge.
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad."
The father says, "What?! How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that with me again. You're in my closet now."
- Jan 6, 2015
- 14,136
- 26,530
- Jun 12, 2016
- 4,070
- 5,382
The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".
Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does About 90% Of The Work Around Here. He Makes About $10 Per Week, Pays His Own Room And Board, And I Buy Him A Bottle Of Bacardi Rum And A Dozen Budweisers Every Saturday Night So He Can Cope With Life. He Also Gets To Sleep With My Wife Occasionally".
IRS AUDITOR: “That's The Guy I Want To Talk To - The Mentally Challenged One".
Boat Owner: “That Would Be Me. What Would You Like To Know”?
IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".
Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does About 90% Of The Work Around Here. He Makes About $10 Per Week, Pays His Own Room And Board, And I Buy Him A Bottle Of Bacardi Rum And A Dozen Budweisers Every Saturday Night So He Can Cope With Life. He Also Gets To Sleep With My Wife Occasionally".
IRS AUDITOR: “That's The Guy I Want To Talk To - The Mentally Challenged One".
Boat Owner: “That Would Be Me. What Would You Like To Know”?
- Sep 6, 2019
- 8,948
- 28,274
Irish Logic and Divorce
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, I told you there had to be a simple explanation. She never got your email!"
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, I told you there had to be a simple explanation. She never got your email!"
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,824
- 18,671
Was this the same "Paddy" that used to be on Gatorsports.com and a couple of other Gator message boards?
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,824
- 18,671
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to Yellowstone.
They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals.They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.
The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female. Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist. They killed the female and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, " You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger responded.. "I guess it means the Czech's in the male."
They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals.They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.
The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female. Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist. They killed the female and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, " You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger responded.. "I guess it means the Czech's in the male."
- Feb 15, 2016
- 6,061
- 11,276
So, an airliner over the middle of the Pacific has a engine blow up and the wing catches fire. The pilot comes on the intercom and informs the passengers and crew that the plane is about to come apart and everyone should take whatever steps they need in preparation for imminent death. In the front of the plane, a 20 something female stands up a yells that she wants someone to make her "feel like a woman." In the back, a young well built athlete jumps up and starts walking toward the front. As he goes, he unbuttons his shirt and takes it off revealing a ripped torso and massive biceps. As he gets closer to the woman, she is just stunned and has obviously forgotten about the circumstances, unable to take her eyes off the young man. As he get to her, he takes the shirt, hands it to her and says, "Iron this, now."
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,824
- 18,671
A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you, Grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.
At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
"How are you, Grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.
At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
- Jun 12, 2014
- 8,966
- 32,438
Founding Member
Long time friends and political contemporaries @Swamp Donkey and @CaribGator were quail hunting in South Georgia on a Winter afternoon. The weather was starting to warm so they agreed that the next point would be the last of the day. Pretty quickly, the dogs pointed and the hunters cleanly dropped the two birds that flushed.
Law quickly picked up his bird and was turning to go help Carib when he heard his partner cry out. Rushing over, he saw Carib writhing in pain on the ground and a large rattlesnake coiled nearby. After dispatching the serpent, Law knelt at Carib’s side and calmed him enough to find that the snake had struck him on the left cheek of his @ss as he reached down to pick up his bird.
Thinking quickly, Law realized that they were over a mile from their vehicle and that he would need to call for an ambulance to meet them if Carib was to survive. Law was able to get the EMTs, who would send an ambulance immediately to them, but instructed Law that if Carib was to have the best chance to survive, he’d need to administer first aid. The technician explained that as quickly as possible, Law should pull down Carib’s hunting pants, cut an “x” on the fang marks on his @ss, and suck out as much of the venom as he could while the ambulance was in route. If this was done, he’d have a good chance.
Law thanked them, then hung up and proceeded toward Carib, who’d calmed some, but was still in great pain. Carib anxiously asked “Law, what did the medics tell you? What are my chances?” Law answered “Man, they said you ain’t gonna make it!”
Law quickly picked up his bird and was turning to go help Carib when he heard his partner cry out. Rushing over, he saw Carib writhing in pain on the ground and a large rattlesnake coiled nearby. After dispatching the serpent, Law knelt at Carib’s side and calmed him enough to find that the snake had struck him on the left cheek of his @ss as he reached down to pick up his bird.
Thinking quickly, Law realized that they were over a mile from their vehicle and that he would need to call for an ambulance to meet them if Carib was to survive. Law was able to get the EMTs, who would send an ambulance immediately to them, but instructed Law that if Carib was to have the best chance to survive, he’d need to administer first aid. The technician explained that as quickly as possible, Law should pull down Carib’s hunting pants, cut an “x” on the fang marks on his @ss, and suck out as much of the venom as he could while the ambulance was in route. If this was done, he’d have a good chance.
Law thanked them, then hung up and proceeded toward Carib, who’d calmed some, but was still in great pain. Carib anxiously asked “Law, what did the medics tell you? What are my chances?” Law answered “Man, they said you ain’t gonna make it!”
