The New joke thread

[Nalt]

An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth.
He spoke to his toes "Hello, toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know,
you are 92 today.
Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park in the summer
every Sunday afternoon.
And remember the times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!"
"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 92
today. Oh, the times we've had!
Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we've jumped together.
Happy Birthday knees!"
"Hello, hands," he reminisced, "How are you hand and fingers? Today you are 92.
We've done so much over the years, lots of good things and some wicked
things too.
Happy birthday hands."
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You Little bugger, if
you were still alive today, you'd be 92."

 

[Nalt]

Henry and Alice had been married for 65 years. Although well into their eighties, they were both in excellent health, due primarily to Alice’s insistence on a healthful diet and regular exercise.

But one day while walking home from Whole Foods, they were hit by a truck, and the next thing they knew, they were standing together just outside the pearly gates.

St. Peter welcomed them and escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion and said, “This will be your new home.”

Stunned by the beauty of the place, Henry asked St. Peter how much it was going to cost.

“Nothing at all,” St. Peter replied. “This is heaven.”

Henry looked out the window, and saw that right outside the mansion was a championship golf course, more beautiful than any that existed on earth.

“What are the greens fees?” he asked.

“This is heaven,” said St. Peter. “You can play anytime you want, and it won’t cost a cent.”

Then St. Peter took Henry and Alice to the dining room, where they saw a lavish buffet set out with all kinds of delectable foods – juicy steaks, exotic seafood, gourmet cheeses, fine wines, freshly-baked breads and rolls, and rich desserts.

“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter. “This is heaven. It’s all free for you to enjoy.”

“Where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” Henry asked.

“There aren’t any,” said St. Peter. “In heaven, you can eat and drink whatever you like, whenever you like, as much as you like. You’ll never get fat and you’ll never get sick.”

“No gym to work out at?” Henry asked.

“Not unless you want to,” St. Peter replied.

“No testing my blood pressure?”

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

Henry glared at Alice and said, “You and your bran muffins! We could have been here ten years ago!”

 

[Spectator]

 

[Jake from State Farm]

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Jake from State Farm]

LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--
WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

 

[Jake from State Farm]

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 

[Jake from State Farm]

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

 

[GR8 2B]

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Female patient: No, I just lay there.

 

[Nalt]

CAN ADMINS OF THIS PAGE DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK WON'T TURN OFF.

 

[Turk182]

Whatever ya got in your mouth, spit it out before reading this!

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

 

[Nalt]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

[Spectator]

A very old man and old woman lived in this nursing home. The old man walks up to the woman and says 'I bet you can't guess how old I am.' She replies 'Well, drop your pants and let me feel your parts.' So he does, and she checks down there, then says 'You are 92.' He says 'Wow that's right! How did you know?' She says 'You told me yesterday.'

 

[TLB]

What do we want? A cure for Tourette's!
When do we want it? Cnt!

 

[TLB]

What's the bare minimum?
One bear
(that works better spoken lol)

 

[TLB]

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate

I experimented with oxygen and potassium. It was OK

^I just told a chemistry joke. There was no reaction.

 

[wrpgator]

 

[wrpgator]

Went for a walk past a farm with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"
I replied: "He can smell she is ready. That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.
Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram know when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."
We then went past another pasture and the bull was mating with the cow.

My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"
I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature. All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."

Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her at home and kissed her goodbye.
She said: "Take care and get yourself tested for Covid-19."

Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.

She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."

 

[wrpgator]

Getting Old is a test of time you don't want to flunk.

1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.

People get out of the way much faster now.

2. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.

Now they drink like their fathers.

3. I didn’t make it to the gym today.

That makes five years in a row.

4. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”.

I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

5. Old age is coming at a really bad time.

6. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment.

Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

7. The biggest lie I tell myself is . . . .

”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

8. I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"!

I’m just very wise.

9. If God wanted me to touch my toes,

He would’ve put them on my knees!

10. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.

We haven’t met yet.

11. Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to

transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

12. Of course I talk to myself.

Sometimes I need expert advice.

13. At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room

and remembering what I came in there for.

14. Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

I don’t have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don’t have a curfew.

I have a driver’s license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.

And I don’t have acne. Life is great.

 

[Gator515151]

A lady asked her husband, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"
After a little thought the man answered "Umm Yes honey I probably would after a little time".

The lady then asked, "Would you give her my car to drive?"
The husband answered, "Well, yes I probably would."

Then the wife asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
The man answered, "Yes I would Honey".

The lady was getting a little upset and asked, "You wouldn't let her use my golf clubs would you?"
The man answered, "Oh no Honey, She's left handed".

 

[Spectator]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: 'Nothing.'

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'