- Jun 12, 2014
- 2,101
- 5,843
Founding Member
Chris Rock once astutely made the observation that “Every town has two malls. The mall the white people go to, and the mall the white people *used to* go to." After yesterday’s game, I can’t help but think our passing offense has devolved into the equivalent of the mall white people *used to* go to. Dimly lit, full of unattended kiosks selling cheap jewelry and cell phone cases, patrons shuffling around in slides wearing pajamas during the middle of the day. It resembles nothing of its glory years, nor even the years we watched it going into decline and decay as new, more attractive passing offenses popped up around the country. No, our passing offense may have the same logo across it, but the Boynton Beach mall of passing offenses is here now for Gator fans, and God help us if we have to live with it in our own backyard.
I speak of this not as a man speculating about what the mall white people used to go to looks like. I speak of it as a man who *actually* went to such a mall yesterday – not metaphorically – but upon the insistence of my children. We’d just left the Boynton Beach Cinemark after seeing Lyle, Lyle Crocodile, (more on this later). In trying to be a good and over-compensating single parent, I obliged to their pleadings and entered this mall, thinking that the minute they set foot in the place they’d want to bolt just like I would. What followed, though, was a 2.5 hour journey into a cultural crevasse of wig shops (I counted six), dollar stores, high-top sneaker emporiums, questionable food choice, amusement “rides” that were sometimes broken but somehow never overpriced, hoop earrings, lots and lots and lots of screaming children with no fathers in sight, and boner-inducing mannequins like these:
For their part, my kids loved it. But then again, they would have also loved the experience of being at the Swamp on a Saturday, with all the fans and the storied history, watching the back-alley abortion we now call our passing attack. The innocents among us, those who never saw Wuerfful and Spurrier, those who have never slurped an Orange Julius or shopped for scented candles at “Wicks and Sticks,” simply don’t know any better.
Our defense mostly looked very good against a weak Missouri offense. Ventrell Miller is a fkkn animal. We have some very good players. But they gave away way too many Third and Granthams. They came up big a few times when they needed to and they did win the game for us. That was a fantastic stop at the end of the game. (No PI, BTW, the pass was uncatchable). But all told, it’s hard for me to imagine us keeping pace with the UGA Bulldogs in any part of the game. I feel I may have to cling to this small victory I experienced yesterday while watching “Lyle, Lyle Crocodile” with my kids: Lyle the Crocodile’s only chance of exploring the big city without frightening off bystanders was to don Florida Gator attire and pretend to be our beloved mascot, Albert. Upon encountering some UGA fans, (who for unexplained reasons were cruising around New York City in Bulldog Jerseys with UGA pennants), Lyle releases a thunderous roar toward them and frightens them away. (Do crocodiles really “roar?”). Anyway, as we’re getting our asses handed to us in Jacksonville, I’ll replay that scene in my mind for small comfort.
Our running game is exciting and dynamic. Napier deserves all the credit in the world for transforming it. I don’t know what he’ll do about Richardson’s penchant for throwing interceptions and watching his receivers run down the field from snap to throw, but he better do something quick. Our schedule won’t allow for the clusterfk we saw in the air yesterday. It’s obvious he has a lot of good qualities as a coach, but he’s got some deficiencies on his team that will take time to fix.
I speak of this not as a man speculating about what the mall white people used to go to looks like. I speak of it as a man who *actually* went to such a mall yesterday – not metaphorically – but upon the insistence of my children. We’d just left the Boynton Beach Cinemark after seeing Lyle, Lyle Crocodile, (more on this later). In trying to be a good and over-compensating single parent, I obliged to their pleadings and entered this mall, thinking that the minute they set foot in the place they’d want to bolt just like I would. What followed, though, was a 2.5 hour journey into a cultural crevasse of wig shops (I counted six), dollar stores, high-top sneaker emporiums, questionable food choice, amusement “rides” that were sometimes broken but somehow never overpriced, hoop earrings, lots and lots and lots of screaming children with no fathers in sight, and boner-inducing mannequins like these:
For their part, my kids loved it. But then again, they would have also loved the experience of being at the Swamp on a Saturday, with all the fans and the storied history, watching the back-alley abortion we now call our passing attack. The innocents among us, those who never saw Wuerfful and Spurrier, those who have never slurped an Orange Julius or shopped for scented candles at “Wicks and Sticks,” simply don’t know any better.
Our defense mostly looked very good against a weak Missouri offense. Ventrell Miller is a fkkn animal. We have some very good players. But they gave away way too many Third and Granthams. They came up big a few times when they needed to and they did win the game for us. That was a fantastic stop at the end of the game. (No PI, BTW, the pass was uncatchable). But all told, it’s hard for me to imagine us keeping pace with the UGA Bulldogs in any part of the game. I feel I may have to cling to this small victory I experienced yesterday while watching “Lyle, Lyle Crocodile” with my kids: Lyle the Crocodile’s only chance of exploring the big city without frightening off bystanders was to don Florida Gator attire and pretend to be our beloved mascot, Albert. Upon encountering some UGA fans, (who for unexplained reasons were cruising around New York City in Bulldog Jerseys with UGA pennants), Lyle releases a thunderous roar toward them and frightens them away. (Do crocodiles really “roar?”). Anyway, as we’re getting our asses handed to us in Jacksonville, I’ll replay that scene in my mind for small comfort.
Our running game is exciting and dynamic. Napier deserves all the credit in the world for transforming it. I don’t know what he’ll do about Richardson’s penchant for throwing interceptions and watching his receivers run down the field from snap to throw, but he better do something quick. Our schedule won’t allow for the clusterfk we saw in the air yesterday. It’s obvious he has a lot of good qualities as a coach, but he’s got some deficiencies on his team that will take time to fix.
Last edited:
