Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,906
- 18,817
If I "identify" as a passenger in my truck then that meets the criteria, right?
The New joke thread
- Thread starter deuce
- Start date
- Jun 19, 2014
- 9,557
- 15,657
Founding Member
Two owls, sitting on a branch. One has laryngitis, the other is constipated.
One can't hoot worth a ****, the other can't **** worth a hoot.
One can't hoot worth a ****, the other can't **** worth a hoot.
- Jun 14, 2014
- 1,290
- 663
Founding Member
New CEO
A man who had just been hired as the new CEO of a large
corporation met with the outgoing CEO, who gave him three
numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a
problem you can't solve," he said.
Six months later, sales took a downturn and the new CEO was
really catching a lot of heat. Uncertain about how to
proceed, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer
and took out the first envelope. The paper inside simply
said, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid
the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with
his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded
positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon
behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a
slight dip in sales, combined with serious product
problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the
CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read,
"Reorganize." He did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company
once again fell on difficult times. The CEO headed straight
for the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
A man who had just been hired as the new CEO of a large
corporation met with the outgoing CEO, who gave him three
numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a
problem you can't solve," he said.
Six months later, sales took a downturn and the new CEO was
really catching a lot of heat. Uncertain about how to
proceed, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer
and took out the first envelope. The paper inside simply
said, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid
the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with
his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded
positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon
behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a
slight dip in sales, combined with serious product
problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the
CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read,
"Reorganize." He did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company
once again fell on difficult times. The CEO headed straight
for the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
Last edited:
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from CBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from CBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.
Jake from State Farm
I'm wearing Khakis, why?
- Sep 6, 2014
- 489
- 794
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,906
- 18,817
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".
I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When
I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the
clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like
to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't
care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I
have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must
have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I
told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But
Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves
around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life
and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would
enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at
the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church
from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a
room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that
every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't
understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me
too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking
around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He
said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand,"
I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody
of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but
Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock
in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up
next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn
troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day
when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best
friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live
any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should
understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When
I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the
clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like
to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't
care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I
have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must
have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I
told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But
Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves
around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life
and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would
enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at
the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church
from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a
room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that
every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't
understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me
too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking
around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He
said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand,"
I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody
of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but
Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock
in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up
next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn
troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day
when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best
friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live
any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should
understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
- Nov 1, 2017
- 3,262
- 7,327
Young couple getting it on when the bedroom door opens and there stands little Jimmy with eyes and mouth wide open
Dad says I’ll go talk with little Jimmy
Dad gets to Little Jimmy’s room ,opens the door and there’s Little Jimmy mounted on GrandMa trying to knock the bottom out
Dad say oh my god
Little Jimmy says it’s not so funny when it your Mama is it
Old Robin Williams joke RIP
Dad says I’ll go talk with little Jimmy
Dad gets to Little Jimmy’s room ,opens the door and there’s Little Jimmy mounted on GrandMa trying to knock the bottom out
Dad say oh my god
Little Jimmy says it’s not so funny when it your Mama is it
Old Robin Williams joke RIP
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,906
- 18,817
The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Preacher there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my
friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Preacher there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my
friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,906
- 18,817
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford on the subject of modern nutrition.
“The rubbish we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet,
a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said:
“Wedding Cake?”
“The rubbish we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet,
a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said:
“Wedding Cake?”
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,906
- 18,817
A gentlemanly Louisiana farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked; would you like to buy some peaches?
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked; are they as firm as this?
He nodded his head and said, yes ma'am, and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, Are they nice and pink like this?
The farmer said yes, and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked; Are they as fuzzy as this?
He again said yes, and broke down crying.
The lady asked, why on earth are you crying?
Drying his eyes he replied, The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a hurricane leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked; are they as firm as this?
He nodded his head and said, yes ma'am, and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, Are they nice and pink like this?
The farmer said yes, and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked; Are they as fuzzy as this?
He again said yes, and broke down crying.
The lady asked, why on earth are you crying?
Drying his eyes he replied, The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a hurricane leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.
- Jun 12, 2014
- 30,602
- 16,993
Founding Member
And if you act now, for an additional $10 we will throw in MSNBC.
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,906
- 18,817
If they accept that offer then they are totally ripping Musk off...
Nalt
Well-Known Member
- Jul 23, 2020
- 6,906
- 18,817
You may have heard on the news about a southern Californian man...
Who was put under 72 hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammo stored in his home.
My favorite quote from the dimwit TV reporter: "Wow! He has a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache."
By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds of ammo would be called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived somewhere else.
In Arizona and New Mexico he'd be "an avid gun collector"
In Arkansas and Oklahoma, he's "a novice gun collector"
In Utah he's "moderately well prepared" but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of food stored.
In Colorado and Montana he's the "neighborhood 'go to' guy"
In Idaho he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate"
In Wyoming, he's "an eligible bachelor"
In Louisiana, Mississippi, and Texas, he would be called "a deer hunting buddy "
And in Alabama, he's just "Bubba" who's short on ammo.
Who was put under 72 hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammo stored in his home.
My favorite quote from the dimwit TV reporter: "Wow! He has a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache."
By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds of ammo would be called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived somewhere else.
In Arizona and New Mexico he'd be "an avid gun collector"
In Arkansas and Oklahoma, he's "a novice gun collector"
In Utah he's "moderately well prepared" but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of food stored.
In Colorado and Montana he's the "neighborhood 'go to' guy"
In Idaho he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate"
In Wyoming, he's "an eligible bachelor"
In Louisiana, Mississippi, and Texas, he would be called "a deer hunting buddy "
And in Alabama, he's just "Bubba" who's short on ammo.
