The New joke thread

[Treebeard]

What's the difference between Vegas and Wuhan?

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas...

 

[Treebeard]

What do you call children born in a whorehouse?

Brothel Sprouts!

 

[Spectator]

 

[Treebeard]

 

[B52G8rAC]

An old Scotsman lay in his deathbed barely able to talk. He called his best friend close and made him promise to pour his last bottle of 25 year old single malt scotch over the grave after he had been laid to rest. The friend promised to do as requested. The doctor in attendence, having overheard the conversation, asked the friend is that wasn't a waste of fine scotch. The friend replied, "aye, twould be unless I filter it through me kidneys first."

 

[Gatordiddy]

lol - she is funny

 

[Spectator]

 

[Treebeard]

 

[deuce]

When Miley Cyrus struts around half naked licking a hammer, they call it art!
When I do it, I get kicked out of Home Depot!

 

[Nalt]

When Miley Cyrus struts around half naked licking a hammer, they call it art!
When I do it, I get kicked out of Home Depot!

Try doing it with the upper half of you naked... I'm sure they will recognize the artistic flavor then... You're welcome...

 

[Treebeard]

 

[Treebeard]

 

[B52G8rAC]

One day a Hell's Angel was riding past a farmhouse that was on fire. He saw a woman and her four kids in a second floor window. Not hesitating, he ran into the buning building and rescued all five. While he was recovering sitting on his Harley, he heard the voice of God. The Almighty said he had watched the whole episode and wanted to reward the gang member with an answered prayer request. The biker said he didn't even need to think about it, he wanted a highway from LA to Honolulu so he could ride his bike to Hawai'i. The LORD replied that creating such a road would be an enormous task even for Him and the effects on the envirnoment would take a heavenly host to manage; could the biker think of another request. The biker replied he would really like to understand how women think and how to make them happy. God replied, "do you want that highway two lanes or divided?"

 

[deuce]

The answer: Dry Wall, Christmas Ornaments and Jeffrey Epstein.

The question: Name 3 things that don't hang themselves!

 

[TLB]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

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